Knowing that broke her heart, but there was nothing she could do about it.
When the twins had been fed their lunch and put down for a much-needed afternoon nap, Penny found Colt in the living room, staring down at the small fire he’d lit only an hour before. Flames crackled over wood and sparks shot up the chimney like tiny fireworks.
Outside, the day was cold and dark, threatening rain that Southern California desperately needed. Inside, despite the fire burning merrily, the cold was creeping in to encircle them both.
“The twins asleep?” he asked without tearing his gaze from the dancing flames.
“Yes. When they take a ride in the car they’re always ready to conk out when they get home.” It hadn’t been much of a trip, she thought. Just to the grocery store. But it was good to be getting back into her routine. Good to remind herself that even when Colt was gone, she would still have her life. Her children’s lives. Everything wouldn’t end when he left.
It would just be...emptier.
“You should have told me you needed to get groceries,” he said, gaze still locked on the fire.
“Why would I do that?” she asked. “It was just groceries. I do it all the time.”
Penny sat down on the worn sofa and stared at him. Even from the back, she could tell that he was upset. Every line of his body radiated tension. Frowning, she asked, “What’s wrong?”
Finally, he turned his head and speared her with a hard look out of narrowed blue eyes. “What’s wrong? I go to the office for two hours, then get back here just in time to find you carrying heavy grocery bags, not to mention the twins, and you want to know what’s wrong?”
Confused, she said, “Who do you think does it when you’re not here, Colt? Me. I also do laundry and mow lawns. What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is,” he said through gritted teeth, as if he were struggling to hold on to his temper, “you’ve had surgery. You shouldn’t be lifting anything heavy until the doctor gives you the go-ahead.”
Defending herself and her own choices, she said, “I see him in a few days and by the way, I feel fine. Hardly even sore anymore.”
“That’s not the point.”
“Well, what is the point then?”
He blew out a breath, pushed one hand through his hair and turned to face her. His blue eyes looked hard and remote and something inside Penny tightened. She recognized that look in his eyes. She’d seen it once before. The morning after their marriage when he’d announced that it was over and walked away from her.
So it had come, she thought sadly. He was leaving again. And she wasn’t ready to lose him. She wouldn’t ever be ready.
“I don’t like you having to do everything yourself,” Colt was saying. “I’m here now, you know? You could have waited for me to get back.”
“Waited for you, Colt?” she whispered, her voice nearly lost in the hiss and crackle of the fire. “How long? How long should I wait?”
“What’re you talking about?” he asked. “You knew I was going into the office to take care of a few things and then I’d be back.”
Her heart ached and a ball of ice dropped into the pit of her stomach. “I never know if you’re coming back, Colt,” she admitted quietly. “Every time you go out, I wonder if this is the time that you’ll just keep going.”
“What? Why?”
She hunched her shoulders and blew out a breath. “Because we both know you’re going to leave. The only thing I don’t know is when.”
Colt’s lips thinned into a straight, grim line. “This isn’t about me, Penny. It’s about you. You do too much.”
“How much is too much?” she argued, feeling the need to defend the way she lived her life. “I have two babies to take care of.”
“Yeah,” he muttered thickly, “I know, but you should have help.”
She’d had help. From him. Now he was taking that help away and wanted to replace himself with...what? “Help?”
“I can hire a nanny. Or a housekeeper,” he offered quickly. “Someone to take some of the load off of your shoulders.”
“You want to hire someone?” Penny sat up straighter and met his gaze. She could see the distance in his blue eyes. She actually felt him putting up a wall between them, shutting her out.
“Yeah. What’s wrong with that?”
“Throwing money at a problem isn’t the only answer,” she said.
“Give me another one,” he countered.
“Stay.”
Oh, God, the moment that word left her mouth she wanted to pull it back in. Wanted to pretend she’d never said it, especially when she saw shutters drop over Colt’s eyes.
“We’ve been over this. I can’t stay.”
“You say that but you don’t tell me why.” She jumped up from the sofa and faced him.
“And you won’t tell me why you won’t accept the help I can offer you.”
“Because I don’t want your money, Colt.” All she wanted was his love, and she wasn’t going to get that. “Or your guilt.”
He shook his head, threw his hands high and let them slap down against his thighs. “What’s guilt got to do with anything?”
“Do you think I can’t see it?” Penny took a step closer to him. “You’re getting ready to leave so you want to make sure you’ve covered all of your bases. It’s like you have a mental list. Help for Penny, check. Nanny for the twins, check. Money in her bank account, check. And once you’ve completed that list, you can leave with a clear conscience. Well, forget it. If I need help I’ll ask for it.”
“No, you won’t.” He laughed shortly and gave her a look that told her he was far from amused. “You think you’ve got me all figured out, huh? Well, I know you just as well, Penny. You’re too stubborn for your own good. You hate accepting help. Don’t want to lean on anyone.”
That verbal slap struck a nerve and Penny felt the sting of tears at the backs of her eyes. She blinked hard and fast, because she wasn’t about to cry. He was pulling away from her with every passing moment and had the nerve to accuse her of not wanting to depend on him?
“Why should I lean on anyone, Colt?” she asked, her voice hardly more than a whisper of old pain. “I’ve been taking care of myself for most of my life. I grew up taking care of myself and Robert. No one was there to help.”