“This whole nightmare brought everything to surface, most especially my parents’ passing, and I realized that if grandfather died, I’d have no direct kinship by blood. There’s Clive of course, but he’s my second cousin. It’s a tad difficult to express what my heart truly wants to say, but I’ll say it in the easiest way that I know…” He paused, searching for my eyes while I remained at the edge of a cliff, ready to throw myself down the second he said anything that had divorce in it.
So I waited with bated breath.
And kept waiting…
Until he finally had the courage to continue.
“I want a baby.”
I blinked back a few times, staring at him in shock. “I beg your pardon?”
“I want a child of our own. I want—need—a child with you.”
Bloody fuck. The tightness in my throat worsened. This was the opposite of what I had expected. Staring back at him, wide-eyed and speechless, I kept repeating the word baby in my mind.
He wanted a baby. With me. He needed a child.
“But why; we’re still so young?” I asked like a ninny, even though I knew what he was going to say. I still needed him to clarify.
“I know I promised I’d wait, but this was before Grandfather’s near-death encounter. Call me selfish, but I want him to see that I’m continuing our bloodline. I want him to leave this earth knowing he need not worry about me, that I will have a child to focus on instead of mourning the loss of losing him. All of these reasons have placed my desires of being a father in the forefront. But most of all, I want to see you ripe with child—my child—growing inside of you. The minute the image of you pregnant was instilled in my brain, I simply couldn’t live without it…”
“Is this really about your grandfather, or Kyle’s visit stirred your dominant, possessive streak again?” Heck, it had been obvious he had been rattled with Kyle’s presence, but I was also glad he’d had enough courage to even try and had succeeded at composing himself. What if William’s sickness brought out the greatest excuse for him to milk it in the process? Knowing how he worked, he’d seize that opportunity so he’d secure me for his own. He was selfish. I knew that much because I could be just as selfish as he was.
“I’ve long accepted that there’s always going to be your connection with Kyle that will get me jealous, but as much as I want you to sever your ties with him, I knew asking this of you would truly hurt you. I also know you’d do it, even though it would simply cripple you emotionally.” His words rung in my ears, and yet my heart agreed with him.
“But as much as I want to be happily rid of him for the rest of our lives, I don’t want to see you in pain. I love you, and I made vows to put your needs before mine, even though it guts me alive to see him look at you with such love and devotion.
“You must also know, as my wife, as my partner, as my lover, and as my friend that this yearning of being a father has been growing quite steadily through the months we’ve been together. I’m willing to do anything to make this process the easiest possible. I’d be the one in charge of our son or daughter. I’d take months off work, or maybe I could make it so I could work from home, and while doing so, I could hire a full-time governess and nurses to care for our child while I’m in the library so he or she wouldn’t have to be alone. Or if you’re against help, I’d gladly do it all by myself.” He was pleading. His heart, his soul, his eyes—they all sought me incessantly, wanting me to sooth his worries.
“I’m willing to put everything on the line. I’d do anything—anything—if you could only grant me this one wish. Even though I promised not to hound you about this subject…” he rasped out, sounding more desperate by the second. “My heart can’t be denied any longer. I want to hold my child in my arms.
“I want what Chad has, and what Callum will have in months’ time. I’d give anything to see my own flesh and blood smile at me as if I was the most wonderful thing he or she has ever seen. Most of all, I want something that’s ours. Solely ours. You and me as one. Our baby, with your features and mine. I want to love another being just as much as I worship their mother.”
Dear God, I had meant it when I’d said I wasn’t ready. How did he even let himself wish, or better yet, let himself daydream this could happen any time soon? It was five years—not four or three, but bloody fucking five. I couldn’t simply switch off what I wanted in life. Fuck, I wanted to be well over twenty-five, at least, before I was to become a mother.
Being a mother was not something to be taken lightly. I’d forever be responsible for the baby. It’s not something I could walk away from or take back once it was born. I’d have to stick with my decision, even if I didn’t agree to it. Besides, we weren’t ready to be parents, were we? No, I thought we weren’t.
“Blake…” I started. “You know how I feel about this. I don’t even know why you’d bring this up, knowing what I’d say anyway.”
“Sienna,” he begged. “Please. You don’t have to do much else if you don’t feel like it. I won’t let our baby hinder your goals in life. You can do as much you want—school, opening your own business, travel, party with friends. Whatever you want, I’d happily go along. I won’t even complain, I swear it.”
I shook my head, having already made up my mind long ago. As much as I wanted to comfort Blake’s worries, I couldn’t bend my wants and needs for someone else’s happiness. “Blake, I can’t. I’m sorry.”
His crestfallen face broke my heart, yet I couldn’t find it in me to undo my words in order to brighten those dimmed depths. We’d had an agreement. He had promised. And I needed him to stick with that promise. Five years.
“Don’t be mad at me, please? You can’t expect me to change my mind just because circumstances have changed. I haven’t; I’m still the same woman who made that promise to you during our honeymoon.”
“If the situation were reversed, I’d happily give you anything you want, Sienna. I suppose it’s good to know now that you’re different from me.”
How dare he slap this in my face? We’d had an understanding. “You’re asking too much from me. Don’t you see that?”
He shook his head, as if seeing me for the first time. “It’s a baby. Our baby. This little bundle of joy will provide you, me—us—more love and fulfillment than what we already know. Being a mother is a blessing, not a curse. If you’re so adamant and terrified about the prospect of it, tell me this, just once, Sienna, will you ever be ready to become a mother?”