That was, I realized, what I wanted to have with him. What I had expected to have with him. Even though he’d made it clear from the beginning that it wasn’t going to happen.
My hands shaking slightly, I went to the closet and pulled out my empty suitcase. Since I’d packed for only a weekend, it didn’t take me long to put everything back in my suitcase. Not up to facing Shane or Jordan, I spent the rest of the time in my room, lounging on the bed and channel surfing on the stupid television hanging on the wall. Nothing appealed. Time dragged. I was so relieved when there was a knock on my door, and Shane called through it, “The boat’s here to take you back to Antigua.”
I opened the door, and felt a warm rush. It was so unfair that this had to end already. Shane and I did have some insane chemistry. I’d never felt like that with another man, like I couldn’t get close enough to him, couldn’t touch him enough, couldn’t kiss him enough.
“Have a safe trip,” he said as he moved aside to let me pass.
I stepped out of the room, set the suitcase on the floor and stared at him. Then, acting out of pure impulse, I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him. My body melted immediately. My nose and eyes started burning. And when he enclosed me in his embrace, a sob ripped up my throat. I clung to him, wondering if I would find the strength to leave.
His hands glided down my back, coming to rest on my waist. He pushed, gently, easing me away. “We’d better get you on that boat.”
Sniffling, I nodded.
When I passed Jordan, who was sitting in the living room, I made eye contact but said nothing to him. He intimidated me, now that I knew what he’d been thinking. When I saw something flicker across his face, I jerked my gaze away and followed Shane outside, down the steps and to the dock. He helped me onto the boat. I stood there, hands gripping the railing, as the engines started purring and we drifted out to sea. Shane remained on the dock, watching me, looking sad and alone.
It sure didn’t look like the domination and submission thing was working for Shane any more than it was working for me. Why couldn’t he give it up? Why couldn’t he just tell Jordan to go find his own f**king submissive?
Why?
* * * * *
“What happened?” Jill asked me the minute I was in her car. She didn’t even give me the chance to buckle my seatbelt.
“I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it yet.”
“Oh, hun. That bad?”
A horn honked behind us, and she flipped the driver the bird, shifted into drive, and hit the gas. “Effing jerk. He just couldn’t wait another second. One freaking second.” She steered her car around a hotel shuttle and zoomed toward the freeway. “Where did you go?”
“Antigua.”
“Antigua? It must’ve been really bad, if you had to leave early.”
“It was.”
Jill didn’t say another word. Not until I was home. She helped me drag my stuff into the condo.
Inside my living room, I gave her what was probably the lamest smile ever. “Thanks for coming to pick me up.” I blinked. I blinked again. Dammit, my eyes were watering.
Jill pulled me into a hug, ran her hand down the back of my hair. “The ass**le doesn’t deserve you.”
“It wasn’t so much that he was an ass**le.”
Jill gave me another squeeze then dragged me toward the couch. “Tell me.”
I flopped onto the couch. “It’s not that he’s a jerk. It’s that…he and I live in different worlds. And I’m not just talking about his money. He’s insanely rich. We flew in a private jet. And the house. Ohmygod. On the shore, ocean views from practically every room. An infinity pool. I could handle all that, I think. I mean, it wasn’t like I’ve met his friends yet. I take that back. I met one. He was the reason why I left.”
“Why? Did he call you a gold digger?”
“No. He expected Shane to share me.”
Jill’s eyeballs got huge. “Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. Evidently, he and Shane do a lot of that, sharing partners. And they haven’t stopped. I’m just another submissive to them. One of many.” I sighed. “You see, I might have been able to learn to live in his gilded world of wealth. But it was that world of domination and submission I don’t understand. I don’t want to understand it. It’s all just too…weird for me. I thought I understood it. I was wrong.”
“It would be too weird for me too.” Jill set her hand on mine. “You did the right thing. I mean, I know you were having fun with Shane, and that you care for him. You’ve known him since you were a kid. But cutting it off now, before there are any real feelings there is best.”
Real feelings. I’d had real feelings for Shane since I was twelve. “I’m sure you’re right.” I dropped my chin in my hands. “But dammit, this sucks.”
“I know.” She smoothed her hand up and down my back then wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me toward her, giving me a little shake. “I’m here, sweetie.”
“Thanks. You’re the best.”
“Hey, considering how many times you’ve been there for me, it’s the least I could do.”
My phone rang, and my heart did a little jerk in my chest. I checked the number.
“It’s him,” I said.
“Give that to me.” Jill grabbed the phone from me and hit the button to ignore the call. “Right now, you’re vulnerable. Talking to him would be a mistake.”
She was right. Of course. Yes. But how I longed to hear his voice.
The phone chimed. I had a text. Jill glowered at the screen. “He doesn’t give up.” She poked the button on the side, shutting the phone down completely.
“Maybe you should’ve read the message. Maybe something happened.”
“He’s rich. I’m sure he has plenty of friends he can call if his stupid private jet broke down.”
I loved Jill. She was angry on my behalf. That much I knew. But for some really crazy reason, I felt the almost overwhelming urge to defend Shane.
“Like I said, he wasn’t being a jerk—“
“Never mind the fact that he’s sleeping with other women, and doesn’t even bother to deny it. He was going to hand you off to his buddy. Who does that? A nice guy?”
She had a point. I’d been angry when I first found out about the sharing thing. But when Shane had explained it, somehow I couldn’t hold it against him anymore. It was just the way things worked in that world. And he hadn’t brought me there intending to share me. As for the other thing, that was my fault. Never had he led me to believe we were in some kind of committed relationship.