I wince at his admission. ‘So you had yourself whipped?’
‘Yes.’
My stomach joins my heart in my throat. ‘I don’t understand.’
His head remains dropped. ‘Ava, you know I’ve led a colourful life.’ His voice is quiet. He’s ashamed. ‘I’ve broken marriages, treated women like objects and taken what’s not mine. I’ve damaged people, and I feel like all of this is my penance. I’ve found my little piece of heaven and I feel like everyone is going out of their way to take it away from me.’
The lump in my throat grows further. ‘YOU are the only one who’s going to f**k this up. Just you. You drinking, you being a control freak, you f**king other women. YOU!’
‘I could have stopped it all. I can’t believe I’ve got you. I’m terrified you’re going to be taken away from me.’
‘So you ask a woman I despise, a woman who wants to take you away from me, to whip you?’
He frowns as he looks up to me. ‘Sarah doesn’t want to take me away from you.’
I shake my head in frustration. ‘Yes, Jesse, she does! You doing this to yourself is agony for me. You are punishing me, not you.’ I’m desperate for him to see this. ‘I love you, despite all of the shit you keep landing on me, but I can’t watch you do this to yourself.’
‘Don’t leave me.’ He grinds the words out, reaching up and grabbing at my hands. ‘I’ll die before I’m without you, Ava.’
‘Don’t say that!’ I shout at him. ‘That’s crazy talk.’
He yanks me back down to my knees. ‘It’s not crazy. That nightmare I had when you were gone. Just like that – gone. It gave me a clue of what it would be like without you.’ He’s in such a state. ‘Ava, it killed me.’
His repeated apologies in his sleep make sense now. I left him in his dream because I found out about the other women. ‘If I left, it would be because I can’t watch you hurt yourself – I can’t watch you torture yourself anymore.’
‘You could never understand how much I love you.’ He reaches for my face, and I pull away. That statement just makes me fuming mad. ‘Let me touch you.’ he demands, trying to grab at me. He’s becoming frantic and panicked and it’s ripping my insides out.
‘I do understand, Jesse, because I feel the same!’ I yell. ‘Even though you’ve f**ked me over completely, I still f**king love you and I f**king hate myself for it. So don’t you dare tell me I don’t understand!’
‘It’s not possible.’ He grasps the tops of my arms and pulls me forward on a hiss. ‘It’s just not f**king possible!’ His voice is severe. He really does believe that.
I let him pull me into his chest and smother me, but I can’t even put my arms around him. I’m emotionally drained and completely numb. My strong, dominant playboy is reduced to a frightened, desperate soul. I want my fierce Jesse back.
‘I’m going to get something to clean you up with.’ I struggle from his fighting arms. ‘Jesse, I need to clean you up.’
‘Don’t walk away from me.’
I break free and stand myself up. ‘I said I would never leave you. I meant it.’ I turn and leave him on his knees, walking from his office in a complete daze.
I’m not going to get anything to clean his back up. A bit of attention on his wounds is not going to prove anything. There is only one way I can get him to comprehend that I understand how he feels. And if that’s what it takes, then I’ll do it.
Chapter 31
I bypass the toilets, the busy bar and the restaurant quickly. I don’t need to be seeing Kate, or any of the others, for that matter. And if I clap eyes on Sarah, then I’m likely to end up at a police station because I won’t stop thrashing her with that whip until I’ve sliced her in half. Anyway, it won’t be long before he comes looking for me, so I need to be quick.
I reach the entrance hall and take the stairs two at a time, walking quickly around the gallery landing and ignoring the women’s harsh stares. But then I spot her. I know I should keep going. I know I should resist the temptation to throttle her, but the overwhelming urge gets the better of me.
I approach her. She’s chatting to a few female members, no doubt filling them in on the events of the past hour. She’s still kitted out in her leather gear, whip still in hand. I stop behind her, the other women silencing immediately. Obviously curious to the sudden halt in conversation, she turns to face me. Her expression is superior, with a little sick satisfaction mixed in there too. My blood boils as she stands in front of me, relaxed in her pose, twirling the whip in her grasp.
‘You sent me a text from John’s phone.’ I accuse calmly.
She almost laughs. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Of course you don’t.’ I shake my head disbelievingly. ‘You also let me into The Manor when I discovered the communal room.’
‘Now, why would I do that?’ she asks cockily.
‘Because you want him.’ My voice is amazingly calm, considering my blood is boiling and I’m physically shaking. I can feel the other women’s stares burning through my skin. I spread my gaze over all of them. ‘You all want him.’
None of them say a word. They all stand there watching me, probably anticipating my next move.
Sarah can’t keep her trap shut, though. ‘No, little girl, we’ve all had him.’
I snap.