****
He felt so f**king helpless in the back of the ambulance with a pale and bleeding Saffi lying unconscious on the stretcher. Staffan gazed down at her and everything became so f**king clear in an instant, like he had been blind all his life and this one moment had gifted him with precious clarity.
But the cost of it was too f**king much.
“Saffi, please God, Saffi, wake up.” His voice broke, and with every second that she did not answer, Staffan felt his whole world closing down on him until he was all alone in the darkness.
“Please, Saffi, wake up, please.”
But she still didn’t answer and he remained alone.
****
Around him, Staffan dimly heard Saffi’s family speaking with the doctors. He didn’t give a f**king piece of shit about what they had to say. All he needed was Saffi to wake up so he could say he was sorry – he was so f**king sorry.
And that he loved her. He would always love her.
“Saffi, baby, please open your eyes.” His voice was raw from speaking for almost 24 hours. But he couldn’t stop. He felt alone and he knew if he felt like that, then she was probably feeling it too. She was all alone in her pain and he needed to find a way to pull her out of the darkness.
But she still didn’t answer.
“Son.” Pearl’s voice was reed-thin. “The doctors are saying it’s fatal…”
She was saying something else, but he couldn’t hear her. All Staffan could see was Saffi. He gripped her hand tightly. “Wake up, Saffi, please. You need to wake up.” Slowly, Staffan placed his hand on her stomach and it felt so f**king still.
His control broke.
“Saffi…” God, these f**king tears were choking him. “You two need to wake up now, Saffi. Please wake up.”
But there was still no answer and they both remained in the darkness.
Another day passed. Silver and Steel offered to relieve him, but Staffan didn’t want to leave, didn’t dare risk having Saffi wake up and think he had left her. He would never leave her again. Never.
“Saffi, baby…”
Her eyes flickered.
His heart stopped beating.
The monitor went crazy, and there was chaos all around but Staffan didn’t see any of it. Saffi’s eyes were dull with fear. “Staffan?”
He started to speak, but she shook her head. “Staffan, I can’t…” She gasped. A loud warning siren burst out from the monitor.
Saffi gazed at him in horror. “I can’t feel my baby.”
And Staffan knew then, it was his f**king payment for all the things he had said and done. Saffi had come back, but she came back alone. He didn’t need to hear the doctors’ words. She knew and he knew because that baby had been theirs – and now their baby was alone in the darkness, and it was his f**king fault.
Staffan flew into a rage as the doctors tried to drag him away from Saffi’s side. Saffi started to cry and with a roar, he pushed everyone away so he could go to her. Saffi needed him and he had promised himself he would never leave her again. He didn’t want to risk her going into the darkness. He didn’t want to lose her again.
But everyone was holding him back.
Steel and Silver were the only ones who managed to drag him out of the emergency room. “I’m sorry, Staffan, I’m sorry…”
The pain in their voices made the truth real and he fell to his knees, weeping. His baby – their baby – was all alone in the dark and it was his f**king fault.
From within the room, he could hear Saffi crying, and he knew she knew their baby was lost in the darkness, too.
I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry. It’s Daddy’s fault. It’s my fault. I’m so, so sorry.
****
“I need to see her.” Staffan wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer this time. He needed to see Saffi, needed to know she wasn’t lost in the darkness like their baby. It had been days since she had woken up, days since he had to sign the papers that declared their little girl was dead.
“You can’t stonewall me forever,” he said grimly when Steel didn’t budge an inch from the door.
“If you really love my sister, then you won’t force more pain on her.”
“You don’t f**king understand. She needs me---” He shoved Steel, but Steel shoved him right back.
“Why would she need a man who almost f**king killed her?” Steel snarled.
“I LOVE HER!”
“IT’S TOO FUCKING LATE!” Steel roared back.
The door opened, and Pearl’s appearance made Steel and Staffan freeze. “Let him go, Steel,” she said quietly.
Staffan’s heartbeat became erratic. “Is Saffi---”
Pearl made a choking sound of distress.
His heart shattered. What the f**k was wrong? He rushed inside and when Saffi looked up, he knew. The brightest stars in the sky tended to die in silence, the gaping darkness swallowing it in an instant. In Saffi’s eyes, he saw that darkness and he felt like there was no way for the stars to ever come back in her eyes.
He stumbled towards her, not knowing what to say or do to make everything okay.
“Staffan.” Her voice was so thin, he had to lower himself to the chair next to her bed to hear her.
“I’m here, baby.”
She shook her head. “Staffan – our baby’s dead.”
Pain clawed him inside and out at the words. Even though he knew that, had already known for days, it f**king hurt to hear Saffi say it, knowing it was his goddamn fault their baby was gone. “I’m sorry. I’m so f**king sorry.”
She turned her head away. “It’s my fault,” she whispered. “My fault.”
“No, baby, it’s not---”
She was restless, fidgeting. Staffan stilled, panic blazing inside him as he tried to figure out what was wrong. And then Saffi turned back to face him, and he realized that she had been using all her strength to remove his ring.
He shook his head wildly. “Saffi, no, no---”
“No more lies,” she whispered and pressed her ring into his palm.
The darkness was coming back, and there was no pushing it away. “Saffi, please.” He started to weep. “Don’t f**king do this. Let me fix things. Let me love you---”
“No more lies.” She pulled her hand away, her voice lifeless. “I don’t want to see you again.”
****
The funeral mass was held a week later, with only a select number of people invited. Silver went up the podium, speaking on behalf of the March family. His voice shook as he thanked everyone who came, his message perfunctory. And at the end, he ignored every warning that his family had given him and looked at his brother-in-law. They had told him that Saffi would not be able to bear the stress of hearing Staffan speak, but he didn’t give a damn. It went against his very nature to be unfair, and his whole family was being f**king unfair to make it seem as if his sister was the only one who hurt. Staffan had lost a child, too, and whatever their differences may be, it did not stop Silver from seeing that Staffan felt the loss just as deeply as Saffi did.