Usually, she would talk a mile a minute when they were alone, even if all he did was grunt and nod or shake his head. He didn’t talk to her so much because he didn’t want to risk Saffi learning the truth before she was ready. This time, she remained quiet as he strove to be as gentle as possible in applying the ointment and bandaging her injured foot. He cursed himself when he gazed at his handiwork. Every f**king time he wanted to make her feel good, he just ended up making Saffi feel bad.
Was this a f**king omen?
He looked up, and his heart broke.
She had tears in her eyes as she choked out, “Did you really think…this close…I wouldn’t know it was you?”
The tears started to fall and he couldn’t bear it. He tried to take her in his arms but she struggled, pushing him away. “Let me see you first…please. I need to see it’s really you.” Saffi watched Staffan remove his extremely elaborate disguise. Bit by bit, he returned to his original persona – Sweden’s #1 sex god, Mr. Fuckstatic – the rock star she had fallen in love with.
“Staffan…”
This time when he took her in his arms she let him, and she sobbed on his chest. She had missed him. Oh God, she had missed him even though she had nightmares every night about what it would be like to see him.
Saffi had faithfully followed his movements online and though he had posted daily – almost as if he was updating her indirectly – there had been no pictures at all. It had made her uneasy, wondering if Staffan was holed up somewhere with women to heal his broken heart. But now she knew. Now she understood.
“Who knows about you?” she whispered.
“The boys and their manager.” He lifted her chin up so their gazes could meet, and his eyes searched her urgently as he asked unevenly, “Are you angry…about what I’ve done?”
Should she be? She just couldn’t make herself angry even if the answer was supposed to be yes. He had been with her. Every day of the two months she had healed – he had been there, and he had helped her heal even though he had been pretending to be Bryan.
“What made you do this?” she asked tremulously.
His lips twisted. “You did. I remembered how you pretended to be H – and how you changed my life completely as H, and I thought maybe this time I could be the one to do it for you. Because I know…” Staffan inhaled sharply. “I know that two months ago I wasn’t the right person to make you heal. No one could make you heal except yourself – and I had to do what I could to make sure it happened.”
She said quietly, “I miss her. Is that crazy?”
He flinched at the word. “No, baby, it’s not. Because I miss her, too.” Staffan’s arms tightened around her. “And I’m so f**king sorry for saying you were crazy. You’re never that, Saffi, never that. I just…I’m the one who’s f**king insane to have hurt you so much, to forget how sweet and beautiful you are---”
Saffi put a finger on his lips. “I understand.”
And the wealth of emotions in those two words broke him because Staffan knew that she more than understood. She forgave him, completely, selflessly.
“Ah, Saffi, I love you.” He kissed her hair. “I love you so goddamn much and no matter what happens, I will never ever f**king doubt you again.”
She didn’t pull away, but she didn’t answer.
The silence hurt, but he didn’t complain because he knew he deserved it after all the things he had done to hurt her. She fell asleep in his arms and he carried her to his bed. And then he sat across her, simply watching Saffi because right now Staffan felt it was the only thing he deserved to do.
****
Staffan was gone when she woke up, and she stretched her body luxuriously, feeling like she hadn’t slept this well for weeks. She hopped on one foot out of his trailer and the moment she did, Saffi realized one thing.
Staffan might be gone – but the entire world was still there.
The entire crew of Celsius stopped at the sight of her coming out of Staffan’s van.
The Celsius boys were there, too, and all four of them made an “ooooooh” sound of interest. The entire crew laughed, just in time for Staffan to stride back into the site, dressed as Bryan once more and carrying boxes of supplies.
He didn’t appear to notice how all the gazes followed him as he walked right up to her. He smiled at her and when he did, Saffi felt faint because she no longer saw Bryan. She saw Staffan and he was beautiful.
“Good morning,” he said in his usual gruff voice. “Did you sleep well?”
Before she could answer, one of the guys behind them made a choking sound. “What the f**k? She went for the redhead fattie?”
Saffi colored at the words. It didn’t feel right for anyone to doubt Staffan’s worth over her. “I’m sorry,” she said with a wince.
Staffan shrugged. “He is right. I don’t deserve you.” He paused, his face hardening. “But it doesn’t mean I’m giving you up without trying my damnedest to make you love me again.”
The entire crew didn’t stop ribbing them throughout the day and well into the night, which was the last performance of the band before they were scheduled to go on a short hiatus. Staffan took everything in stride, but for the life of her, Saffi couldn’t do the same. All the time they teased Staffan mercilessly for aiming for someone who was “out” of his league, she wanted to melt into the ground.
That’s Staffan Aehrenthal you’re talking to, she wanted to shriek at them. He deserved any girl he wanted! Any girl!
Or at least he deserved anyone…except her.
“Let’s watch the concert together?” Staffan suddenly appeared at her side just as she finished double-checking the last set of wardrobe change for the band.
She started at his invitation.
He smiled wryly. “It’s our only chance when I’m…like this.”
Her eyes widened at understanding and she heard herself saying shyly, “Yes.”
It was surreal, watching the concert with thousands of girls who probably knew him but did not pay attention to Staffan because of his disguise. As Celsius started to sing its last song, she felt Staffan taking her hand slowly in his.
And she let him.
By the middle of the song, Staffan had his arm around her shoulders and she was leaning against him. It felt completely natural for him to lift her face up to take her lips for a kiss. But she wrenched away before their lips could meet, her heart screaming in protest even as every cell in her body hungered to be reawakened by his touch.