“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, I’m over it. But my point is you were the first person I allowed in, the first person I trusted, the only person I allowed myself to love after they died. And you let me down.”
“I know.” He ran a hand through his hair.
“I thought we had something special. Hell, I know we had something special. And you just walked away like I didn’t matter.”
“You mattered.”
“Not enough.”
This was killing him. He hadn’t expected her to be so open, and he had no clue how to deal with it. Also, despite her honesty, there was a sense of separateness to her as if she was already distancing herself. He had an inkling this wasn’t leading up to any sort of let’s-forgive-and-forget-and-fall-in-love-again statement. And that wasn’t how he wanted the evening to end.
“So you see,” she said, “whatever I feel for you now, whatever I think we could have is irrelevant because I just don’t want it. Yes, you’re a great fuck and no man has ever made me feel the way you do, but I will not allow myself to fall in love with you again. I won’t allow you to break me again.”
“We’re different people now, Jess. We were kids. Things won’t be the same this time.”
“No, they won’t because I won’t allow them to be. I’m not sure why you’ve had this change of heart, but really it doesn’t matter. You walked away last time. Walk away again.”
“I can’t.”
“Then I will.” She tugged her hand free and this time he let her go. Rising to her feet, she stared across at him.
Declan pushed back his chair and stood up. No way was she walking out of here without him. “You said until the job was over. We have two more nights, Jess.”
“You still want to sleep with me?”
“Hell, yes.”
…
She was drained from all the confessional stuff and from fighting her need for him. At the same time, she felt strangely clearheaded. As though setting it all out for Declan had made it clear to her as well.
Yes, she was a coward.
But it was a matter of self-preservation. He was a weakness ingrained in her character. Where Declan was concerned, she was all or nothing. She wouldn’t risk all again. So she had to accept nothing.
But being in contact with Declan and not touching him was driving her insane. How close had she come earlier today to giving in, giving them both what they wanted? What they needed.
Once this job was over, she would never see him again. It would take time to get over him, to forget, but she would do it. She was strong.
In the meantime, why fight it?
As she gave in, a wave of weakness washed over her and she reached out and rested a hand against the tabletop.
“Let me take you home,” Declan said.
She gave a quick nod and then searched the room. She found Kim and Dani leaning against the bar, drinks in hand, watching her. “Give me a minute,” she said to Declan and walked across to where they stood.
“So have you kissed and made up?” Kim said.
“Not exactly.”
“You know he likes you,” Dani added. “He’s watching you now. He doesn’t take his eyes off you.”
“Like a stalker,” Jess suggested, glancing across to where he stood. He looked so beautiful tonight, more like she remembered him from all those years ago. Still in his suit, but his tie was gone and his shirt open at the throat. His perfect image was unraveling. “I’m going to take a rain check on tonight,” she said. “Declan and I have things to…talk about.”
“Of course you do.” Kim leaned across and kissed her on the cheek. “Call us if you need us.”
Jess nodded and headed back to Declan. They didn’t talk as they made their way out of the bar and onto the street. She was vaguely aware of Declan’s bodyguards following them, but they kept their distance.
It was only ten minutes’ walk to her flat, one of the reasons they usually met at that particular bar, and they strolled along in silence not touching. She let them into the ground floor flat and then peered through the window. Steve was outside on the street, leaning against the wall. The other man was nowhere in sight, probably looking around the area. It was weird being on the other side of the bodyguard thing, but then she pushed them from her mind again and turned her attention to Declan.
He wandered around the small sitting room, lightly touching things as he passed. The place wasn’t much, but it was hers. She’d bought it outright with money her parents had left her. It was small but in a convenient location.
She shrugged out of her jacket and tossed it onto the sofa. “You want a drink?” she asked Declan.
He shook his head. “I want you.”
She forced her lips into a smile. “Well, you can have me. For one more day.” She thought he was going to argue, spoil things, and she wanted this, didn’t want to make him leave. She held up a hand. “No more talking. We’ve said enough.”
She turned around and headed out of the room, down the hall to her bedroom. Declan followed her in and the door closed. After reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of condoms and tossed them on the bedside table. She hadn’t realized how small the room was, most of the floor space taken up by the huge bed. She liked to sprawl.
She strolled around the bed, tugging her T-shirt over her head on the way. She toed off her boots and then stripped off her jeans leaving her in a plain black bra and panties. His eyes were fixed on her as she reached behind her and unclasped her bra, then pushed the panties down over her long legs and stepped out of them to stand before him naked. She pulled the band that tied her hair loose so it fell around her shoulders and she ran a hand over her scalp easing the tension.
He hadn’t moved, his gaze intent as it roamed over her body. “You’re so beautiful.”
She stepped toward him, her fingers trembling as they flicked open the buttons of his shirt. After dragging it down over his shoulders, she ran her palm over the satin skin of his chest, scraping over the nipples to come to rest on his belt. She opened it with fumbling fingers. Heat and need were building inside her, concentrating at her breasts and between her thighs. Finally the belt came undone, and she flicked open the fastener and lowered the zipper.
He took over then, pushing the pants and boxers down over his long legs, kicking off his shoes, until he too was naked. And so beautiful, he made her chest ache. Her gaze ran down over his lean ridged belly, then lower. He was already fully erect, his shaft vertical against his stomach, long and thick, pulsating under her stare.