“Look at me, Silken.” He was not going to take that from her, not when he couldn’t see her eyes. He had to know if she truly meant what she was saying. “Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll walk away. But as long as you love me, as long as there’s hope, I can’t let you go. Not like this.”
For a long time he stared down at her lowered head then, slowly, she lifted her face and looked into his eyes.
And as he looked back at her those eyes he’d grown to love so much were now deep, dark pools of sorrow.
“Let me go, Max,” she said, her voice gone cool and distant. “I can’t…I don’t love you anymore.”
***
“I’ve been doing a lot of research,” Suave said, her face glowing as she walked into Silken’s room, “and there’s hope for me yet.”
Silken smiled, not wanting to burst Suave’s bubble but not wanting her to hang on to false hope, either. “What did you find out this time?”
“Remember I told you when I was browsing on the net last week that I found this book written by a lady in the UK who’s had MS over thirty-five years?”
“Yes?” Silken was watching Suave’s face and there was such hope, such excitement there that she couldn’t help feeling excited herself. “And?”
“I got the book day before yesterday and I’ve finished reading it. Do you know that after thirty-five years she’s still active and mobile and most people don’t even realize she has MS?”
Now that caught Silken’s attention. “How is that? Did she try an experimental drug?”
Suave shook her head and she was beaming. “That’s the great part. It’s not like she’s pushing a miracle drug. She doesn’t speak against using prescribed drugs but she says a big part of managing the illness has to do with diet, supplements and exercise. That’s stuff we can control all on our own.”
Silken frowned. “But how? Could the answer be that simple?” And then her frown deepened. “And why didn’t the doctors tell us about this?”
For the first time since her illness a flash of something akin to anger crossed Suave’s face. “If it’s not a drug it’s not worth mentioning, as far as some of these medical doctors are concerned. That’s why it’s important to do your own research. Thank God for the internet.”
“So who’s this miracle woman? Can I see the book?”
“Sure. Give me a sec.” In less than a minute Suave was back, a thick white book in hand.
Silken took it from her. “Managing Multiple Sclerosis Naturally”, she read as she stared at the cover. She flipped it over in her hand and began reading the back material. “Are you sure this is good information? Is this woman credible? What kind of doctor is she?”
Suave rolled her eyes. “Are you even listening? She’s not a doctor but she’s probably the best advisor you could want. She’s been living with this thing for over three decades. And besides,” Suave took the book from her hand and began to flip through the pages, “the lady’s done her research.” Then she smiled and clutched the book to her chest like it was a treasured Bible. “Anyway, I’ve got nothing to lose. I’m heading out to the drugstore to stock up on my fish oil with omega 3, my vitamin D and my vitamin B12. I’ll catch up with you later.” She was almost out the door when she stopped and turned back to Silken. “Oh, and by the way, you thought I was a health nut before? Now I’m really going to go overboard. Judy says the trick is to consume no more than fifteen grams of saturated fat per day. That’s my new rule to live by.” Then she smiled. “I think I’m going to send Ms. Graham an e-mail.”
Humming to herself she walked out the door, looking and sounding happier than Silken had seen her in weeks.
Long after Suave had gone Silken sat on the bed, staring at the bedroom wall. This was the best news she’d had in such a long time. She was happy for Suave. Her sister’s future did not have to look grim. There was actually something she could do to slow the progression of this disease, maybe even halt it if she was lucky, and she didn’t even need a doctor’s prescription to do it.
And yet, although she should have been hopping up and down with crazy joy, what she felt was relief…but she also felt numb…and she felt drained.
The last several weeks had been difficult, shuttling Suave from her primary care physician to the neurologist to the X-ray department and to the lab as more and more tests were ordered for her. And even as they did all that, the numbness and dizziness did not go away, and they were even exacerbated by bouts of nausea.
It was only during the last week, after Suave read something on the internet about taking fish oil supplements, that she tried it and began to feel better. And now that she’d found the new ‘bible’, Silken was sure she would go all out with her supplement regime. She was looking forward to her sister feeling like her normal self again. As Suave had said, it was no fun walking around feeling like you were on the deck of a ship being buffeted by the waves. Silken couldn’t even begin to imagine living with such a feeling of imbalance.
But now maybe she could rest a little easier knowing that there were more options to explore. And maybe finally she could get some sleep.
Since Suave’s diagnosis Silken had not had a good night’s sleep for more reasons than one. She’d been fretting about her sister but she’d also been in mourning…for the loss of the love of her life.
Since she’d broken off her engagement with Max he’d spoken to her a few times, but only to find out how Suave was doing. Still, she could detect no resentment in his voice, only a cool distance and a formality that told her everything between them was different.
Not that she’d expected otherwise. She was the one who had made things different. She had no-one to blame but herself.
Her wedding day had come and gone and here she was, six weeks later, the ‘almost’ bride. At the thought of what could have been Silken pulled her legs up onto the bed and wrapped her arms around them. She dropped her chin on her knees, fighting the urge to cry.