“You’re a f**king coward!” I roared, slapping him hard across the face. He just took it, as his head snapped back against the impact. No emotion, no angry words. Nothing. The Logan I knew was gone, buried underneath newly formed sheets of ice. This was the old Logan, the one that existed before me.
“Get out!” I yelled. “Get out, please,” my yell turning into a whisper, as the energy in my voice drained. I could barely stand, my knees fought to keep me upright. Seeing my struggle, he hesitated, taking a step toward me, but just nodded, walking out the door and never looking back.
I collapsed onto the floor, tears flowing down my cheeks as my entire body shook and that nagging terror I had felt earlier took over my every thought.
~Logan~
Sitting at my familiar barstool in the same bar I had gone to the night I’d met Clare, I felt like shit. It was really a dumb move on my part, but I didn’t want to go home. Too many memories to haunt me, reminding me of everything I had lost. Everything I’d given up.
You’re a f**king coward!
I was a coward. I had set myself on this course thinking I was doing something noble, saving her another life of pain and suffering, but who was I really trying to protect? I never asked what she wanted to do, never told her what that call was about so many days before. What I had found out today. I’d kept to myself, saying I was protecting her. But I was protecting myself from the possibility of seeing her walk away. What if she didn’t want me anymore? What if she looked at me differently? I didn’t know if I could handle the possibility that one day I could stop being Logan, and instead be a constant reminder of Ethan and everything she’d lost.
Walking into that house, telling her I wasn’t ready and acting like what we had wasn’t the most goddamn important thing in my life was the biggest shame of my life.
She looked slain, like I’d ripped out her heart and thrown it to the wolves. And I just stood there, cold and emotionless while she’d fallen apart. I wanted nothing more than to close the distance between us, and tell her I was sorry, that I didn’t mean any of it, and everything would be okay. I would have pulled out the ring in my jeans pocket, the ring I would carry with me until the day I died, dropped to my knees and asked her to marry me. I would have begged forgiveness, carrying her upstairs and making love to her all night rather than sitting here in this bar alone, like I would be for the rest of my life.
“Hey, Doc,” Cindy said, as she made the rounds to refill drinks. “You haven’t been around in months.”
“Been busy,” I answered coldly, not bothering to look up from my glass.
“Yeah? Well I sure hope she was worth it because you look like hell,” she commented before walking away.
I felt like hell. I felt like I left my soul on that doorstep as I walked out of that house, leaving Clare and Maddie forever.
All that was left was numbness, that constant void of nothingness.
“Hey, stranger, long time no see,” a familiar woman’s voice greeted me from behind. I awkwardly swiveled around in my bar stool, seeing double. As my vision cleared, I couldn’t help but grin, stunned by who stood before me.
“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes, gorgeous.”
Chapter Sixteen
~Clare~
Sitting alone, on the floor in the middle of the family room, reliving the horrid events of the last night, I felt like there wasn’t enough air left in the room. I took another gasping breath, trying to fill my lungs between the echoing sobs, but it wasn’t enough.
Why did he leave me? I didn’t understand.
Would it always feel like this? I made it through Ethan, but I didn’t know how much more my heart could take. As my sobs filled the room, I silently thanked God Maddie’s wasn’t here. Leah had arrived early this morning, after I finally broke down to make the call and told her what had happened. After fifteen minutes of convincing her not to go to Logan’s place to rearrange his anatomy, I asked her to come here and pick up Maddie for the day.
“Don’t tell her. She can’t know yet. It will destroy her,” I whispered in her ear as they walked out the door, slapping on a fake smile as I gave Maddie a hug and waved goodbye. It was a miracle she didn’t notice anything, overjoyed to be spending breakfast with Leah.
And now it was just me.
And the silence. The deafening silence.
I’ve loved you, Clare, you every minute of every day, since the very first day.
Had it been a joke, a sick way to pass the time?
No.
I had felt it and seen it in his eyes when he looked at me, when he brushed his fingers across my skin and trembled as he came deep inside me. Whatever this was, whatever reason he had for leaving me last night had nothing to do with loving me.
Looking around the room, my eyes narrowed in on something spread across the corner chair next to the door, Logan’s jacket. He had left it here in his mad rush out the door. Out of my life. Knowing it would only cause more hurt, but unable to stop myself, I rushed over to the chair like someone in the desert desperate for water. I grabbed the now dry leather in my hands, bringing it to my nose, inhaling the rich spicy smell of Logan. Fresh tears blurred my vision, knowing this was the only thing I had left of the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
Knowing I looked ridiculous, but figuring the silence wouldn’t care, I slid the jacket on, letting the scent engulf me. I tried to imagine it was him wrapped around me, holding me tight. Slipping my hands inside the pockets, I wrapped my hands around my body, picturing his hands replacing mine.
My fingers rubbed against a piece of paper that was folded in his pocket, and I pulled it out and read it.
“What is this?” I asked out loud.
I saw lab results, something about a biopsy, and the worst part was Logan’s name at the top.
I’m sorry, Clare. You have no idea how much I wish things were different.
I gasped as everything fell into place. The mysterious phone call at the airport, his distant behavior over the last few weeks ending in his abrupt departure last night.
“Oh my God, no,”
Before the next thought was even formed in my head, I was rushing out the door, needing answers only one person could provide. I don’t remember the drive to Logan’s house, just the overwhelming desire to see him pushing me forward. When I arrived, I jumped out of the car, racing for the front door, ringing the doorbell in desperation. A few seconds passed and then I heard the growing sound of female laughter moving toward the door.