I ran to the phone, intent on doing just that, but Logan caught me before I was able to lift it off the cradle.
“The test results are correct, Clare. I have a form of lymphoma, Hodgkin's disease. Very easy to miss, since the symptoms are so slight. Sometimes non-existent for many patients.”
No, dear God no.
“Ethan has a rare form of brain cancer”, the doctor said “It’s why it was missed on the CT. We’re so sorry, Clare.”
The floor rushed up, and the room spun as I felt Logan’s sold arms wrap around my waist.
“It’s okay, Clare. Breathe,” he said, brushing the hair out of my face as he tried to calm me.
“No, it’s not okay Logan. It’s not okay.”
It would never be okay. How could fate be so cruel?
“This is why I didn’t want to tell you,”
“So, you broke up with me instead?” I snapped, anger replacing fear, flooding my system.
“I wanted to save you the pain of having to go through this again. I couldn’t ask you to do that for me.”
“How dare you make that decision for me? What gives you the right?” I seethed.
“Do you really want to go back to that hospital? Sit in the waiting room while I go through chemo treatments, give blood samples, and wait for test results? Can you honestly tell me that your heart can take that again, Clare?” he asked, his words full of emotion.
His words brought back every memory of Ethan’s sickness crashing back, watching my strong husband turn into nothing short of a weak child. It was a horrid experience no person should ever have to endure.
“It’s not your decision to make,” I whispered.
“No? I’ve been agonizing over this for weeks while I waited for those results. How would I tell you? Would you stay? I’ve seen the pain in your eyes, the grief you still endure over Ethan’s death. How could I ask you to stand by my side, knowing it could all have the same result?”
“You don’t think I’m strong enough?” I asked.
“I think you’re strong enough for anything. But how can I ask you to willingly suffer?” he admitted, his voice filled with regret and longing.
“But I love you,” I said softly.
“But for how long? Did you love Ethan until the very end, with all your heart?”
My heart skipped a beat, its pacing quickening, as my breath became irregular.
“What did you just say? Of course I did! How dare you!” I snarled.
“Did you really? You’d spent all that time caring for him, raising Maddie practically by yourself, and after everything, he was still dying.”
“It wasn’t his fault.” I whispered.
“But it didn’t change anything. He was still leaving you. How did that make you feel, Clare?” he demanded. I felt anger welling up in my veins, and the words erupted from my mouth before I could stop them.
“I HATED HIM!” I screamed, “Is that what you wanted to hear? I hated him for leaving me! I hated him for abandoning me and Maddie.”
Raw, angry tears splashed down my cheeks as he pulled me into his arms, and the sobs continued to rake through my body. With every sob, I felt like I was purging the soul-sucking secret from my body, like a dark weight had been lifted off my chest.
I had just uttered my darkest shame, my most unforgivable sin and I felt like I could breathe for the first time in three years. In my darkest moments, as I watched my husband, frail and sick, dying before me, I hated him. It was sick and wrong, and I could never forgive myself for it. He was the most selfless person in the world, and I sat there angry at him for something he couldn’t control.
“Shhh, Clare. Baby, it’s okay,” Logan soothed, running his hands through my hair and we held each other on the floor of his kitchen.
“No, it’s horrible.” I sobbed, “What kind of person am I?”
“You were losing the man you loved, Clare,” he said.
“It’s no excuse.”
“There’s no ‘how-to’ guide for death, Clare. You were faced with unimaginable circumstances and you faced them with so much strength and courage. Don’t carry around this burden,” he told me.
I let him hold me, feeling the security his arms gave, afraid I’d never know this feeling again.
“So where do we go from here?” I asked hesitantly.
He pulled back slightly so that I could see his face, still rough and unshaven from the night before.
“I still can’t ask you do this Clare, but it’s your decision. I understand that now,” he acknowledged.
“But,” he continued, “I want you to think about it, long and hard. It can’t be rash decision. I want you to take time, remember Ethan and everything the two of you went through, and decide if you can do it again.”
“Logan, I don’t...”
“Yes, you do. Please Clare. For me, give it some time. If you say yes, I want to know it’s for me, and not out of guilt, honor or a split-second decision. Those emotions you just felt. I need you to remember all of them. Every heart crushing moment. And then I need you to decide if you can go through it again, if that is where this road may lead us.”
Nodding, I started to pull away, knowing there was nothing else to say, but I needed one thing before I went.
“Logan, can you do me one favor?”
“Anything,” he vowed.
“Kiss me.”
“Always,” he answered, before pulling me back into a fierce kiss, full of desperation, passion and fire. It was the type of kiss that left you breathless, permanently altered, and stayed with you for the rest of your life. Slowly I pulled away, taking one last look into his beautiful blue eyes before I left, the fate of my future before me.
~Logan~
“So, you just let her go?” Gabe asked hesitantly as he entered the living room.
I didn’t bother looking up, continuing to strum my fingers on the strings of the guitar. The melody changed haphazardly from one song to the next, mimicking my thoughts.
A complete clusterfuck of chaos.
“Yup,” I said.
“You’re not going to run after her? Fight for her?” he inquired, settling himself on the sofa opposite from me.
“Nope. This is something she’s got to figure out.”
“And you really broke up with her, hoping she wouldn’t find out?”
It had been a dumbass move, I’ll admit to that.
“I was trying to protect her,” I explained as I plucked out the notes to “I Gave You All” by Mumford and Sons, before switching to something by Oasis, which was a little less depressing. Apparently, I was in a British mood tonight.