“I’m being honest, Abby, as honest as I know how to be. No one has asked that of me, for a long time. But I need to know from you, if you’re going question me, question us...this...what does that say? About the trust between us? About your trust in me?”
“Do you trust me, Abby?”
In the moment I hesitated before answering, I saw something flash in Chase’s eyes. Resignation, loss...sadness. I dropped my eyes.
“I don’t know, Chase.” My voice was barely a whisper. “I don’t know how to think about this. And it scares me too.”
Chase reached over, taking my hand, rubbing my knuckles with his thumb. I could feel the calluses on his hands, the rough parts from being on the ranch, the soft parts that spoke of something else.
“For what it’s worth, however this ends, I think I’m a better man for having known you.” He leaned over, kissing my cheek.
I smiled. “Stacy said the same thing. You’d changed. She likes the new you.”
We sat for a minute, holding hands. I felt a welling sadness in my chest, like I was losing something valuable, that it was slipping away as I watched it go.
“Chase, you have to know how hard this is for me.”
He squeezed my hand. “I do. But you have to know it’s hard for me too. And to not have you trust me cuts like a knife. I’d lay my life on the line for you. You have to know that. I made mistakes. Hell, I’ll probably be making mistakes for the rest of my life.”
Chase stood, pacing again, unable to stand still. “I’m only human, Abby. You can’t expect me to be perfect.”
“I’m not expecting you to be perfect. I wanted honesty, not perfection. That’s all.”
Chase threw up his hands. “I’ve been trying to be honest with you, as best I can. I’ll fight for you, Abby. But I won’t do battle with you over this relationship.”
The anger I’d felt earlier came back, blooming hot and heavy in my chest.
“Do you think I’m doing all this on purpose to make it hard for you? That I enjoy this?” I stood, my face flushed.
“Because I don’t. I don’t want this...I didn’t ask for this.” I spread my hands, breathing hard.
The edge was back in Chase’s voice when he spoke, flinging the words at me. “Don’t want this...or don’t want me?”
He took two quick steps toward me, grabbing my arms, pushing me against the wall. Something close by fell to the floor. I felt his fingers tense against my skin.
“Because I want you, Abby, more than I’ve wanted any woman, ever. I want a relationship with you, not just for an occasional f**k in my bed or a roll in the hay. And I’m willing to work at that, to earn your trust, whatever I need to do. You have to know that. But you can’t hold my past against me going into the future. That’s not fair.”
Chase was breathing as hard as I was, his face close to mine. I could feel the heat of from his body, feel the tension, his fingers digging into my arms.
“Chase...please. You’re...”
“I’m hurting you? Yeah. I know. I want to get it through your head how important this is, that I think you’re about to throw something away that you really don’t want to...that I really don’t want you to.
“I love you, Abby. I want you. But I can’t force you to make a choice. I can’t...as much as I want to. But I can show you what’s good between us, what does work.”
His mouth was consuming me, his lips crushing mine against my teeth. I struggled in his grasp, desire and anger fighting for control. For the moment, anger won. I twisted my head, tearing my lips from Chase’s.
“Please...this isn’t...I don’t want...” But I did want, badly. And Chase knew that.
I was breathless, looking up at Chase, the intensity of his gaze startling me...and stoking that fire that burned deep inside me.
“Abby...” Chase’s voice was rough with anger or longing, I couldn’t tell. He buried his face in my neck, his fingers loosening their grip on my arms but his body still pinning me against the wall.
I wrapped my arms around him, my face against his neck. His pulse beat against my lips, hard and fast, matching my own.
His arms slid roughly down my body, cupping my ass, holding me while he pressed himself against my body, his arousal impossible to ignore.
As was mine; there was nothing I could do but give in. I pulled away from him, seeking his mouth with mine, my kiss as blistering as his had been.
He spun me away from the wall, walking me backward until I hit the edge of the couch. I sat down hard and we came apart briefly as I twisted beneath him, until he was lying on top of me, the length of his body touching mine, pressing his h*ps into me, mine rising up to meet him.
I ran my hands through his hair, holding him hard against my mouth. His tongue skated along my lower lip and I opened my mouth to him, pulling and sucking his lips and then, biting down on his lower lip. I tasted blood but it only fueled my desire.
Chase pulled away from me, running a finger along his lip. He looked at the blood and then down at me, his eyes dark.
“And who’s hurting who now, Abby?”
I had no chance to answer and I suspect Chase wasn’t interested in one anyway. Our hands were frantically pulling at clothes, Chase undoing enough buttons on my blouse to expose the tops of my br**sts, pulling my bra down roughly so he could pull one nipple to his mouth. I stopped tugging at his t-shirt, gasping as his lips tugged at me.
There was a rush of heat through my body as he sucked hard. Then there was a flash of pain as I felt his teeth nip my tender skin. I cried out and Chase lifted his head, his lips curved into a dark smile that held little warmth.
“Had enough?” His eyes were lit with an intensity that matched my own.
“No...have you?” I grabbed the front of his t-shirt with both hands, ripping it down the front, my hands sliding over his chest, around his back, raking my nails over his skin. I saw him wince and it sent a bolt of something dark through me, rocking me to the core.
“Now, Chase...now!” My voice was low, no longer breathless, but demanding.
“This isn’t going to be pretty, Abby. I hope you know that.”
Chase abruptly sat back on his knees, yanking down the zipper on my jeans, while I undid the buttons on his with trembling fingers. I lifted my h*ps as Chase grabbed two handfuls of denim, stripping my pants down my legs, tossing them on the floor. With little ceremony, he shoved his jeans down his h*ps far enough to free his cock, before pinning me to the couch again with his body.
It wasn’t pretty; Chase was right. It was brutal and hard and fast. We were both breathing heavily, Chase grunting, me making noises I’d never heard myself make. There was nothing about this coming together that seemed like it was anything but us taking from each other, the collision of two people intent on the satisfaction of animal needs.
But it was so consuming, in its aggressive way...so overwhelmingly right at that moment. As brutal and primal and out of control as we were, it united us on some level I didn’t understand, connected me with Chase, somewhere deep and dark. And that scared me...it scared the hell out of me.
When we were done, when I’d come so hard I thought I’d shatter, after Chase had almost pushed me off the couch as he sought his release, we lay in a sweaty tangled heap, trying to catch our breath.
I finally pushed myself away from Chase, sitting up to button my shirt, searching the floor for my jeans. He sat on the other end of the couch, his face flushed, hair damp from our encounter.
“What are we doing to each other, Abby? Why do we keep doing this?” He watched me struggle into my jeans, my hands shaking as I fastened the snap.
I sat on the edge of the coffee table, pushing my hair out of my eyes, looking down at my hands, clutching them together to try to stop them from trembling.
“I don’t know. I really don’t.” I took a ragged breath. “I’m not sure I can keep doing it, Chase.” There was a moment of quiet in the room.
“Do you love me, Abby?” Chase’s voice was low, questioning.
I looked up, meeting his eyes. “Yes. I love you, Chase. I do...probably more than is good for me...for you.” My voice broke.
“Come here.” His voice was soft and he held out his hand, an open invitation. I hesitated and then I saw the hurt in his eyes, hurt that mirrored mine. And that undid the tears. I crawled up on the couch and Chase wrapped his arms around me, holding me while I cried against his torn shirt.
“What we do to each other, Abby, what we do. Love shouldn’t be this hard, should it?”
I left Chase feeling betrayed...by myself. I hadn’t wanted to give in to myself, to the overwhelming attraction I have for Chase. But it’s so damned hard. He’d told me once he was irresistible and he’s right.
But as confused as I still was, each man had a claim on my heart. And each claim was tearing me to pieces.
I spent Sunday in bed, trying to sleep, convincing myself I needed to recharge instead of admitting what I really was doing... burying my head under the covers, trying to escape the swirling emotions inside of me. Trying to avoid the whole situation. Denial can be the perfect dominant, if you give yourself over to it completely. I couldn’t.
The following week began badly and went downhill quickly. Burke called me into a meeting Monday morning, asking for updates on all my clients, something he’d never done before. Afterward, in my office, I had the nagging sense I was in trouble, although he’d never said there was anything wrong. I’d spent the rest of that day working on proposals and dealing with emails.
Later in the week Burke called another meeting, this time telling me one of my clients had requested a new account manager within the company. I was stunned. I’d never lost a client like this. Burke laid it on the line for me.
“Abby, there’s been a real decline in your quality of work lately. I don’t know if it’s because of personal reasons, something medical, or if you’re not happy here, with the company. But something’s got to change. I’m here if you need to talk, if it’s something work related I can help you with. But if you’re not happy here, it may be time for you to consider a change.”
Burke looked at me over the top of his glasses. “I really enjoy working with you Abby, truly. You’re a fantastic employee. I’d like to help you if I can. But I also need to let you know your performance has come to my attention, and not in a good way.”
I left Burke’s office in shock. Burke was right; something did need to change. But he had no idea what that was. And I certainly wasn’t going to unload my personal problems on my boss. But I did need to do something.
Sometime after the meeting with Burke, Leslie called to see if I was free for lunch. When I declined, she came to my office, bringing the requisite salad and large iced tea.
“I won’t tell you how you look today, Abby. I’ve run out of colorful terms.” She sat down, pushing the salad and iced tea in my direction. I pushed them back, and her eyebrows immediately shot up in surprise and concern.
“What’s wrong, honey?”