A queen? Had her father known more than she realized? If so, this was rapidly turning into the worst-kept secret on the planet. “Mom loved him.”
“I know. I want that for my own marriage.” She clasped both her sister’s hands, her whisper-pale hair falling to mix with Eloisa’s jet black. “It just took me a while to realize it’s not about the trappings. I know you probably think I’m crazy for running off.”
She thought of her own elopement a year ago. It had seemed so right at the time, she could relate to how her sister felt. Guilt pinched at a corner of her heart. Maybe if she hadn’t kept it secret all year long, Audrey might have been encouraged to make her decision earlier. “I may understand better than you think.”
She looked out to the patio where Jonah and Joey chatted like old buds. How easily Jonah talked to people, how quick he was to put Joey at ease. Jonah might not embrace the public eye as much as his famous family, but he’d certainly inherited a winning way with people. He’d certainly won her over a year ago—and last night. He’d slid under her boundaries in a way no man ever had.
Audrey gazed out at Joey with a seriously love-sick look in her eyes. “I only wish I’d followed my instincts earlier. It would have saved you so much work and time.”
Her sister appeared amazingly calm. It seemed all the drama had come from Harry.
Eloisa sipped her tea while her sister shared details about her hurried wedding in a Vegas chapel. “And Joey says we really can’t build a life for ourselves here. His family would be involved in anything we try.” She took a bracing breath. “So we’re relocating. We don’t know where yet. He says that’s part of the adventure, figuring out where. Maybe we’ll toss a dart at a map.”
Audrey was embracing the same kind of future Eloisa could have with Jonah. Was that why her sister’s words sent a bolt of envy through her? Not that she wasn’t happy for Audrey, because this would be a wise move for her. But it would be difficult to see Audrey living the dreams Eloisa had walked away from.
Her eyes tracked back to Jonah again, his broad shoulders, his comfort in watching out for other people, whether it was his older brothers or her. She wanted this happiness for herself, too. She wanted to trust they could work out a way for her to fit her life with his.
She wanted to find the same surety she saw shining from Audrey. There was a vibrancy and strength of purpose in her sister that hadn’t been there before. Audrey had gone from pale and ethereal to glittering like a diamond.
“You’re really excited about the new adventure.”
Ashley clutched Eloisa’s hands. “Is that too selfish of me? You’ve always been here for me and now I’m leaving you.”
A deeper truth, an understanding resonated inside her. “You’re living your own life. You deserve that. We won’t stop being sisters just because you’re married, even if you live clear across country. I’ll come see you. Pick somewhere interesting, okay?”
Audrey nodded, tears in her eyes as she opened her arms. Eloisa gathered her sister close, hope for her own future glinting ever so warily inside her.
Jonah pushed open the French doors to the patio, his shoulders, his unmistakable charisma filling the void, filling her. She looked into those clear blue eyes of his and knew in her heart. He wasn’t out for revenge. He was here for her.
He’d stood by her today during a family crisis. Had intervened for her during her sister’s awkward engagement party, had hidden their secret from most of his family. He was a great guy and she trusted him enough to take the next step. She didn’t want him to leave for Peru. She wanted longer to test out what they had before it was too late. She deserved a future of her own with Jonah, and the time had come to claim it, obstacles and all.
Starting with telling him about their baby.
Thirteen
Eloisa closed the town house door after Audrey and Joey. Their laughter and playfulness out in the parking lot drifted through, teasing and tempting her with what a relationship could be.
Jonah walked up behind her, swept aside her hair and pressed his mouth to the sensitive curve of her neck. Her head fell back to give him better access. After the day they’d had, there was nothing she wanted more than to lose herself in the forgetfulness reliably found in his arms. Then she could curl up beside him and sleep like a regular married couple.
Except that would be hiding. That would be using sex to shield herself from making the tough step of opening herself totally to Jonah. Letting herself love him.
And even scarier, letting him love her.
She was actually pretty good at loving other people. Not so good at letting them be there for her. And wasn’t that a mind-blowing revelation she would have liked the time to mull over? Except she was out of time.
Deciding to do something and actually following through were two different matters. But she was determined to see this through before they landed in bed.
Eloisa stroked along the open collar of his simple button-down, wishing her nerves were as easily smoothed. “Thank you for being so understanding about coming back here for Audrey. I hated cutting short your visit with your family.”
“They’re the ones who showed up unannounced.” He looped his hands low around her waist. “We can have more time with them soon if you want.”
“I do.”
His face kicked up in a one-sided smile. “Good, good.”
Jonah tucked her against his side and strode deeper into the living area, out to the patio. He drew her down with him in the Adirondack chair, settling her in his lap with such an ease and rightness it took her breath away. How could such a big-boned, hard-bodied man make for such a comfortable resting spot?
Eloisa nestled her head on his shoulder and gazed outward. That would be easier than looking him in the face. The sky turned hazy shades of purple and grey as the sun surrendered and night muscled upward.
Jonah thumbed along the back of her neck, massaging tiny kinks. “I’m sorry for not taking into account your job, and your need for security. I can understand why following me from job to job may not sound like the best of lives for you. We’ll work together to figure out a solution.”
God, he made it sound possible to find a compromise. She wanted to trust it could be that simple.
“Is that what we’re talking about?” She swallowed hard against the hope. “A life together?”
“I think we’re most definitely moving in that direction.” His chin rested on top of her head. “It would be a mistake to pretend otherwise.”
“Okay then—” she inhaled a shaky breath, not nearly bolstering enough “—if we’re being totally honest here, there’s something I need to tell you, something that will be difficult to say and difficult to hear.”
His arms stiffened around her, but he kept his chin resting in her hair. “Are you walking out again?”
“No, not unless you tell me to.” Which could very well happen. A trickle of fear iced up her spine. What if she’d put this off until too late? Would he understand her reasons for waiting?
“That’ll never happen.”
“You sound so sure.” She wanted to be as certain. But hadn’t being with Jonah helped her see she couldn’t plan for everything? “You’re always full of absolutes, total confidence.”
“I have a vision for our future and it’s perfect.” He tipped her face up to his. “You’re perfect. We’re going to be perfect together.”
“You can’t really believe I’m perfect. And if you think that even on some level, what are you going to do when my many flaws show?” Of course she was afraid of rejection after a lifetime of being shuffled aside through no fault of her own. A child didn’t deserve that. Except now, she was an adult and had no one to blame but herself. “What if I don’t fit into the beautiful world of no boundaries that you’ve engineered for yourself?”
“We’ll work at it. Think about your graduate studies in Spain. You enjoyed your research contribution. Maybe that’s a path to blending our worlds again. Or we split time, both making compromises.”
He was offering her so much that she wasn’t prepared to think about yet. Not until she’d taken care of this old hurt. “That’s not what I’m talking about. It’s something different, something bigger, a mistake I made.”
He stroked her forehead. “You’re such a serious person, and while I admire the way you care about the feelings of everyone around you, I’m a big boy. Now just cut to the chase and say it.”
“I haven’t been completely honest with you—” her heart pounded so hard her ribs hurt “—about more than just my father.”
“Do you have a boyfriend on the side?”
“Good Lord, Jonah—” her hands fisted in his shirt “—I’ve spent the whole year aching for you. There’s no room for anyone else.”
“Then no worries.” He winked.
Winked, damn it.
“Jonah, please don’t joke. Not now. This is difficult enough as it is.” She pushed the words up and out as fast as she could. “After we split up, after I left you, I found out I was pregnant with your child.”
His hold on her loosened, his face swiped free of any expression. “You had a baby,” he said slowly, his voice flat, neutral. “Our baby.”
She nodded, her heart hammering all the harder through pools of tears bottled inside. The grief, the loneliness and regret splashed through her again with each thud of her pulse. She should have called him then. But she hadn’t and now it was time to face the consequences for that decision. “I had a miscarriage.”
“When?”
“Does it even matter?” She hated the way her voice hitched.
“I deserve to know when…how long.”
She flinched with guilt. He was right. He deserved that and so much more. “I miscarried at four and a half months. Nobody knew except my doctor and my priest.”
She wanted him to know that while she hadn’t told him, she’d nurtured and honored that life even if he hadn’t been there to witness it. Even if he was going to walk out, he deserved to know that.
The first shadows of emotion chased across his face—incredulity. “You didn’t even tell your sister?”
“Audrey had just gotten engaged to Joey,” she rushed to explain, and it sounded so lame now but had made such sense then. “I didn’t want to spoil her special time.”
“No,” he said simply, his body shifting, tensing, no longer the welcoming place to land. Something had unmistakably changed between them. “I’m not buying the excuses.”
She agreed, but still she’d hoped for some…understanding? Sympathy? Comfort after the fact? “What? I tell you my most heartbreaking secret and you just say ‘no.’ What’s the matter with you?”
She couldn’t bear to sit in his arms that had become so stone-cold. She rolled to her feet and backed away.
He stood slowly, his hands in his pockets. No warm reception for her revelation. “I think you didn’t tell your sister because then you’d have to let someone get close to you, be a part of your life. Don’t you think she would be hurt to know you didn’t feel like you could turn to her?”