***
Rain beat on the windows of the chauffeured town-car, smearing the lines of Des Moines into sad gray smudges. We drove by Gray's Lake and the crab-apple forest, but the blossoms were long gone. The lake was blocked by cement barriers displaying signs that the park was closed due to flooding. Over the softly playing radio, I could hear a weather report for yet more rain and increasing flooding throughout the area.
Owen and I sat on opposite sides of the vehicle. He hadn't said more than a word since we got off the airplane and into the car. We both knew that something we didn't want was going to happen. The flight had been painfully uncomfortable. Owen had focused on his work as we flew away from the thing he was trying to accomplish, the silence deafening. I appreciated that he was willing to drop everything for me, but I didn't want to ruin his dreams.
It wasn't even so much the leaving that was keeping us quiet; it was the fact that I would never go back. Rashid al-Saffar had too much influence in the region for me to ever feel safe there again. Unfortunately, that was exactly where Owen's job needed him to be. He would travel, and I would have to stay behind. It would be a long distance relationship that would never work. We both knew this was going to be the end, but we were trying to maintain the illusion of us as a couple for as long as possible.
The car pulled to a stop in the parking lot of my building. We sat silently, neither one of us really ready to say goodbye, but knowing it had to be done. The driver exited the car and started moving my suitcases toward my apartment. A small rumble of thunder echoed in the distance, breaking the silence.
"I can't live this lifestyle anymore, Owen. I love you, but I can't do this." The words trickled out with my tears. I didn't want to say them, but they needed to be said.
"There are other places in the world we can go," Owen replied halfheartedly. His dark blue eyes held an ocean of sadness. This wasn't how either of us wanted our relationship to end.
"No, Owen. No matter where we go, I would just end up resenting you, or you resenting me. I let myself get drawn into something I didn't want with my last boyfriend, and it nearly broke me. We have to be equals. We can compromise, but sometimes a person can compromise too much. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, but I have to stay true to myself. I'm sorry." I felt a hot tear leak out, burning as it slipped down my cheek.
Owen nodded slowly. "I understand." He reached out and wiped the tear from my face with his thumb, cradling my jaw in his hand. His eyes shone with tears as he leaned forward and kissed me softly. I closed my eyes and tried to put every detail of it into my memory. The way his lips were soft against mine, the taste of his skin, the warmth of his hand, the smell of his cologne. I mentally cataloged it, trying to secure it in my mind so I would forever remember it.
"I have to take care of some business, but I promise I'll be back." Owen's hand stayed on my cheek, even as he pulled away. I appreciated the lie. It made leaving the car easier. The driver had returned, shaking raindrops off his hat.
"Goodbye, Owen." I said it so softly I wasn't sure if he heard me. A single tear ran out of the corner of his eye, but he didn't move to brush it away.
"Goodbye, Kaylee," he whispered. I barely heard it as I bolted from the car. Thunder rolled in the distance as the car drove away, but all I could see was the rain.
Chapter 20
The next morning I woke to the soft sound of more rain on the roof. I lay in bed, staring at the dark ceiling, trying to fall back asleep but not having any success. My alarm clock told me it was only four in the morning. I groaned and tried to close my eyes one last time, but my body was convinced it was lunchtime and that I needed to get up. I realized that I hated jet lag with a passion.
I got up and walked into the kitchen, ready to start a pot of coffee and get something to eat. Halfway through the living room, I tripped on a laundry basket in the middle of the floor. After shouting swear words at the plastic hamper and threatening to melt it into sporks, I turned on a light and successfully navigated to my coffee pot. As I waited for the coffee to brew, I glanced around the small room. Even in the dim, pre-dawn light, it was a disaster area. Much like my life, I thought.
"I'm fixing this," I said aloud to no one. I started by putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher until the coffee pot sputtered to silence. It felt good to organize and put things away, trying to tame the mess that was my life. Mug in hand, I started to clean up my living room.
Three loads of laundry later, my house was spic-and-span again. I glanced around the room, smiling at how it felt more like home. I glanced at my phone on the now clean coffee table. I hadn't heard it buzz or chirp, and no light was flashing on it to indicate a new message. Before I could stop myself, I picked it up and looked just to make sure I hadn't missed one.
Empty. No new messages. I set it down, wondering if I should send Owen the first message. The blank screen stared up at me. I wasn't sure what part of the world he was in. He never said whether he was going back to Dubai or back to New York. My fingers itched to text him, but I was the one who said I couldn't live his executive lifestyle. I was the one who had asked to go home. I didn't want to get his hopes up for something I couldn't give.
I regarded the silent phone for a moment, willing it to ring. It simply sat there like the piece of plastic it was. I felt like screaming. I needed something to do. If I sat here much longer, I was going to burst into tears and I didn't want to cry anymore. The tears, anger, and hurt were all welling up in my chest, and I wasn't ready to deal with any of it. I wanted the illusion that things were the way they were supposed to be.
I went to the kitchen and started pulling out pots and pans, turning on the oven and pulling out my cookbooks. If I couldn't sit still, at least I could be productive. Flour covered my kitchen in no time as I went to work kneading bread, baking cookies, and using up all the baking supplies in my pantry. I only had a few things in my fridge, so I couldn't do much more than the basics.
After a run of cookies, a loaf of banana bread, and a failed experiment at egg-free brownies, I could go no further with my meager supply of groceries. I knew I wasn't going to eat all the things I had just baked, but at least it was now closer to lunch than to breakfast.
I picked up my phone, fully intent on calling Marissa, and if I happened to check my messages as a result of said phone call, I wasn't going to beat myself up about it. No messages.
I wanted to pout, but instead I did what I had intended, and called Marissa. I knew Allie was working today, but Tuesdays were usually Marissa's day off. All I got was a cheery sounding voice-mail recording.
"Hey, so, I'm back in town. Give me a call when you get this." I tried not to sound as dejected as I felt, but I knew she would see through me in an instant. Getting a call from a friend who is supposed to be on vacation saying they're back in town is a pretty sure way to know something happened.
The urge to do something, anything, was growing stronger. I needed to get out of the house. There wasn't anything for me here; no reason for me to stay indoors. I hopped in the shower, rinsed the flour out of my hair, and changed into jeans and a comfy shirt. I didn't need to impress anyone today.
A piece of paper fluttered from the door jam as I opened the it. My heart caught for a second as I thought of Owen leaving me a note, but I quickly recognized the apartment building's logo.
Dear Resident,
We are sorry to inform you that the intercom and door lock system for your building is currently broken. Please note that visitors will be able to use the intercom to notify residents of arrival, but the two-way communication and door unlock features are currently unavailable. The resident will have to manually open the door to allow visitors into the building.
We apologize for any inconvenience and hope to have this fixed as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
The Management
I crumpled the paper and tossed it into the trash bin before closing the door. Just my luck that the system would break, I thought. Then, I realized that I didn't have anyone to visit me anymore. My annoyance disappeared into a fog of self-pity as I stepped out to my car.
I headed into downtown Des Moines, looking for something to do. After driving aimlessly through the city, I decided I should at least get groceries. I turned to head toward the highway when I saw the dome for the botanical gardens.
We were in front of the Des Moines Botanical Gardens, the big glass dome glowing slightly from an inner light. Owen stepped out of the car and immediately shrugged out of his jacket and draped it across my shoulders without even asking. It was warm and smelled like his cologne. I took a deep breath, my insides going tingly at being wrapped in the scent. He grabbed my hand in his, his body heat seeping into my palm, and pulled me inside.
The memory hit me, and I turned into the parking lot unsure of what I was expecting to accomplish. Owen wouldn't be here with me this time. But I wanted so desperately to feel a connection, to feel that glow of happiness. I was going to just look inside, remember the good times, and then leave. Maybe it would help me find some closure.
Inside the dome, the air was hot, humid, and sticky to the point of being uncomfortable. Children in matching T-shirts shrieked through the exhibits, weary looking guardians chasing slowly after them. Some sort of children's tour was going on, filling the room with screaming kids.
I tried to work my way over to the waterfall where Owen and I had eaten our picnic dinner. It looked different in the daylight, the soft glow replaced by the harsh glare of the sun. I could barely hear the musical song of the water falling over the loud screeching of sugar filled kids. I stared at the waterfall for a moment, trying to recall exactly how it had felt the last time I was in this room, but instead of romantic kisses on my lips, strangers kept bumping into me. Everywhere I went, the crowd managed to jostle me.
I remembered the sweet scent of plumeria, and went to find one of the strange-looking trees. I walked around the room, but couldn't find a single one. When I saw a tour guide pointing out various species of edible plants to several interested adults, I headed over and asked where a plumeria tree might be.
"I'm afraid we don't have any plumeria here. I saw one once in Hawaii, though, and they sure are beautiful. Sorry about that," the young woman told me. I sighed, thanked her and headed back to my car.
I was drained. I didn't want to be out anymore. My throat hurt from holding back tears, and I felt shaky and sick. I just wanted to go back to bed. So I hopped in my car, went home, and did exactly that.
***
I woke up early again the next day and immediately got groceries and then hid in my house before the rest of the world could wake up and bother me. I still felt grouchy, and crowds were the last thing I wanted to deal with. I was giving very strong consideration to simply becoming a shut-in and never having to deal with human beings again when Marissa called.
"Hey you! Allie and I are coming to get you at five-thirty to go to Zoo Brew with us, so you'd better be ready," she said into the phone. She had been texting me nonstop from the moment she thought I was awake until well after lunch when she decided to finally just call. There was no doubt in her voice that I was going to go whether I wanted to or not.
"Marissa, I don't know... I mean I'm still jet lagged, and.." I said, trying to get out of it.