None of this was the right foundation for a relationship. It was probably borderline criminal. And yet…yet I still wanted him.
Oh, God. Have I already given into him? Have I lost all my pride?
What was wrong with me? Didn’t I always swear I’d never be like the long line of Gabriel’s broken hearts? It wasn’t fair. I wasn’t supposed to be this weak! Not for him, not for anyone.
“Emma?”
You are who you are. It’s always been a question of time as to how long you’d be able to hide it. In that way, you’re no different from Gabriel.
I had to at least appear to be in control. I couldn’t let on to the downward spiral dragging me down. Not without a fight. “Fine. Let’s go into the living room.”
Gabriel followed me closely. I wasn’t going to bolt but apparently he’d rather be safe than sorry. I sat down on the love seat. Gabriel sat next to me, trouser knee brushing mine, and held my hand.
“I want you to know I’m not going to lie to you, Emma. No matter how bad it makes me sound. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“What do you want me to answer first?”
That was easy. “Why didn’t you tell me the truth about Embry?”
He didn’t hesitate in answering. “Because I didn’t want that relationship to damage the one I’m building with you.”
“Keeping it from me did more damage than if you’d been truthful.”
Gabriel winced. “I didn’t love her, Emma. I never did.”
“Then why were you going to ask her to marry you?”
He didn’t look away from me even though his words were enough to make me want to weep and scream. “Because I thought she was the best choice for my life.”
Just breathe. This was before you. It was past tense.
“Okay, that makes sense.”
Gabriel squeezed my cold hand. “It did on paper. She’s beautiful and she loved me. I didn’t see why I shouldn’t marry her, especially because my lack of real feelings was no different with her than anyone else.”
“And don’t forget she’s submissive.” I couldn’t help how sarcastic I sounded. The word that should’ve been an insult was now only an insult about me. I wasn’t submissive. At least not in the way I understood it to be.
“And she’s submissive.”
“So why’d you break it off?”
He turned my hand over and studied while answering, “I saw you, Emma. The girl I never forgot, the one who stole my heart seven years ago and never gave it back, standing only a few feet away. I couldn’t believe it. The day I was going to propose and there you were.”
His gaze softened. Gabriel was clearing remembering the moment. I imagined that day, filling in gaps with how I hoped I looked—confident, serene—because I remembered feeling none of those things.
“Emma, I knew in that moment that I’d been on the verge of making the biggest mistake of my life. I was going to marry someone I didn’t love all because it was the most logical decision. No matter what happens from here on out, I want to thank you for being there right when I needed you.”
My heart squeezed. I wanted so badly for his words to be the forever truth. I didn’t want him to look back and realized he’d made a mistake. I didn’t want to wreck his life or take away his chance for happiness because I was the wrong girl for the right reason.
In the end, Gabriel doesn’t want to be alone. And I don’t want that for him either.
“Then what happened?”
“That night I told Embry we were through. She stayed in the penthouse and I stayed at a hotel. She didn’t leave it until last Thursday. I wanted to move her out immediately, but I’d already hurt her so badly with my abandonment I didn’t want to rush her out on top of that. Now, I wish I had. I had no idea Embry was going to try to turn you against me. I severely underestimated her. I won’t make that mistake again.”
His coldness served to remind me of Gabriel’s darker side. I dug further, apparently masochistic in my need to understand just how close Embry had been to keeping the man I loved.
I can’t let him know that yet.
“Did you buy the penthouse for her?”
“I bought it for the life I thought I was going to have with her.”
Knowing how committed he’d been to her stung more than I’d like. I knew I had no right to be jealous about who he’d been with before me. Still it hurt. “Why didn’t you just come out and tell me, Gabriel? Why’d you pretend she was just some ex?”
“Because of the pain I see in your eyes right now. I didn’t…no, I still don’t know how to explain my decision to be with someone I didn’t love.” His smooth brow creased as he struggled to make sense of it. “All I could describe it was like living in a fog, Emma. Life didn’t have color or texture. I went with the flow because I couldn’t dream of anything better. All my feelings were numb, you see. I didn’t think myself capable of feeling anything real for anybody. It didn’t matter who loved me because I wasn’t capable of loving them. I know what a piece of shit that makes me.”
I didn’t deny that. I also didn’t share that I’d felt the same until I let myself open up to him again.
“I know I hurt you, Emma, and I’m sorry.”
As much as I didn’t want to point it out, I did. “You hurt her too.”
Gabriel sighed loudly. Guilt glimmered for a moment in his expressive gaze. “I know I did. I also know I would’ve hurt her worse if I stayed.”
I studied my hand in his. It seemed safer than letting him see the confusion and shameful need in my gaze. He wanted me enough to upend his life just so he could crash into mine. I should’ve been horrified.
I wasn’t.
“Why are you having me followed?”
Gabriel’s grip tightened briefly. “Because I didn’t want to take the chance that you’d slip away again. Not until I can make you love me.”
And there it was. Love. Love the great justifier, the emotion that allows any and all actions to be excused—no matter how hurtful.
Yet whose love was right and pure? Gabriel’s for playing with my life as if I were nothing more than a puppet on his stage? Embry’s for shamelessly manipulating the man she claimed to love? Or me, the girl who ran away seven years before because she was too afraid to believe in him?
The questions pounded me, relentless.
Were we all just demented? Was madness inevitable when you dared to fall in love with Gabriel?
“You know this makes us both unstable, right?”
“What?”
“The fact that you can admit to any of this and the fact that I even understand it.”
His brief smiled lacked any trace of humor. “Who wants to be normal, anyways?”
“Apparently you do.” I girded myself and charged right through. “Why didn’t you tell me about your sexual needs? Did you think I’d turn you down right off the bat?”
“Wouldn’t you?”
“I don’t think I would.” I took a moment, imagining myself chained to a wall with him wearing nothing but leather pants and wielding a whip. “Actually, I’m not sure.”
“I wasn’t about to take that chance, Emma. Not with you.”
“Still, couldn’t you have said something?”
“It’s hardly the first thing that comes up in conversation. ‘Hello, how are you? I’m fine. Thanks. By the way, did you know that I love to spank girls silly? I also like to tie them up and play with them until they scream?’ Wait. Where are you going?”
Lust jolted right through me, awakening my body to near-painful awareness. Gabriel in nothing but leather pants took center stage in my mind once more. The whip was replaced with a blindfold.
That doesn’t scare me at all. In fact, I want to know more…maybe even a demonstration?
I licked my lips and hoped my voice didn’t betray the lurid thoughts curling about. “All right, I’ll give you that. That isn’t exactly the best conversation starter.”
Gabriel looked at me and then away. His shoulders drew up even as he attempted to make his voice light and casual. “Aren’t you going to ask about my father? I know I would if it was the other way around.”
“Only if you want to tell me.”
“There’s not much to tell. My father was a very mean piece of work. He beat my mother and then moved in on me when I got big enough to stand up for her. I didn’t want to be anything like him, never imagined I could be, so imagine how I felt when I discovered that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the diseased tree.”
I ached for him. I could only begin to imagine the torment he suffered at the hands of someone he should’ve been able to trust above all others. The anger I’d seen during high school, the detachment all made sense now.
“Have you really hurt anyone you’ve been with?”
“Physically? No. Still, I don’t necessarily feel that great about my needs.”
“Would you ever do it to someone who wasn’t into pain?”
His dry laugh brought a pang to my heart. “I’ve never had to. You’ve been the only woman I was with that I’ve never been rough with. I was actually normal with you our one night.”
“But what about how you said you’d been pretending all this time with me? Why did you do that?” Again, the thought of Gabriel adopting a different persona just to herd me in the direction he wanted...it made me feel a rejected fool.
“I wasn’t trying to trick you, Emma. I just…I don’t know…I just didn’t want to be how I’d been with everyone else. Not with you. So I just tried to be the man I thought a nice girl like you would want.”
“Was any of it real?”
“Yes.” Gabriel looked at me tenderly. He tipped my chin. “That wasn’t fake, Emma. Every smile, every laugh—all of it was real. Please believe me.”
Relief pounded. “How were you with the others?”
“Indifferent. Cold. Arrogant.”
“I got one out of three. I guess that means you weren’t a complete liar.”
Gabriel knew exactly what I was talking about. “I tried to tone down the arrogance. I guess I didn’t do so well, huh?”
“No, I think you blew that one out right about the time you moved in next door.” We both looked down, awkward because of the identical but inappropriate grins on our faces. “Why did you move in?”
“Because I didn’t want to scare you off.”
I cut him a skeptical glance. “Gabriel, normally that would scare a girl off.”
“Yes, but it was different with us. I know how you feel about my money. I wanted you to see me without all the trappings that make you uncomfortable. Even if I didn’t hate my penthouse, I still would’ve moved in right next door. I just wanted you to see me as a man, not a billionaire.”
“Weren’t you afraid I’d freak out because of it?”
“I was willing to take that gamble. And no, I wasn’t that afraid. Not after Friday.” He carefully brushed back a strand of hair off my face. “I didn’t want the night to end. I don’t remember the last time I was that happy. All I could think was ‘This could be forever.’”