This time he let go of me when I pulled away. “Gabriel, you can’t shut off such a big part of yourself.” Although I wished more than anything he could. Or that I didn’t have to care about it this much.
“Why not? If I can shut off my heart to do that, why can’t I shut off that so I can love you?”
Damnit. There it was. I wasn’t the only doubter in our relationship.
“So you do think I can’t fit into that part of your life.” I got off the bed and went to my dresser. My hands shook. I wasn’t angry with him. I was angry at fate and life for teasing us both with the idea that we could be different from who we really were.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m not going to have this conversation with you nak*d.” I slipped on some panties before shoving my legs into a pair of worn pajama pants. I hurriedly put on a fitted gray T-shirt and turned around. Gabriel hadn’t moved from his position.
I crossed my arms and leaned against the dresser. I didn’t know what to say now that what I feared was out in the open.
“Won’t you sit down, Emma?”
“No, I’d rather stand.”
“I see.” Gabriel nodded his head and gracefully folded his hands in his lap. “You’re angry with me.”
“I’m not exactly happy at the moment, but I’m not angry with you.”
“Then what are you angry at?”
My shoulder lifted up in a sharp shrug. “Why did this have to happen like this, Gabriel? Why can’t love be enough for us?”
“Who says it isn’t?”
“You and I both know it won’t be. Eventually we’ll need more.”
He sighed. “What do I have to do to convince you of my sincerity, Emma? I’ve given you more of myself than I’ve ever given anyone else. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
Put that way I couldn’t help but feel like a spoiled cow. I wasn’t any good at this, probably because I had no real experience with being in any kind of a real relationship.
“I’m sorry that I’m coming off as ungrateful. I know this has to be as hard, if not harder for you, Gabriel.”
“Then why are you trying to push me away, Emma? Why are you always pushing me away?”
“I’m not trying to. It’s just that I’m worried. I want you happy.”
“I’m happy with you. Haven’t you been happy with me these last few days?”
A ghost of a smile passed across my lips. “These have been the happiest days of my life, Gabriel. I mean it.”
“Then what’s the problem? We can have many more days, better than these.”
“You can’t split your life in two like that. Eventually this wildness between us will fade and your sexual needs will call for you. You won’t be able to resist. If you want to be with me, then you can’t shut me out, Gabriel.”
“You say it as if you know from experience. Are there naughty things you haven’t yet shared with me, Emma?” Although said lightly, his teasing words belied the seriousness of his stare.
Maybe I wasn’t the only one consumed with jealousy and insecurity? Petty as it was, Gabriel’s reaction definitely made me feel better.
“No.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. You’re the reason why I know. You are the last person I should be trying to have a relationship with, Gabriel. You’ve lied to me, tricked me, manipulated my world, and have been the direct cause of much of my pain—past and present.”
Glib words failed to materialize. Gabriel merely sat still and waited for me to continue my angry declaration of love.
“Yet, I can’t resist you. I tried to live without you, successfully I might add, but seeing you again…all of those feelings I thought I had killed and buried came back.”
“They’ve never gone away for me, Emma. I’ve loved you for over a decade. I’ll die still loving you.”
My legs folded beneath me. I slid down the dresser. “You’re a part of me, Gabriel, in a way that I can’t explain or deny anymore. Still, I could end things with you, go on and find a kinder man, marry him and have his children…a boy and a girl.”
Gabriel’s eyes instantly darkened with anger. He did an admirable job of not letting it change his placid expression.
“I imagine it would be a happy life. Baseball and ballet. Family dog and cozy house in the suburbs. It would be normal. Happy.”
“You deserve that, Emma. I could give you that.”
I continued as if Gabriel hadn’t spoken. His outline buckled beneath the weight of my watery gaze. “But all it would take to destroy all of that is you. Seeing you, hearing your voice, being the center of your smile…I wouldn’t be able to deny who you are to me.”
This time I let the tears spill. “That’s how I know. You can’t lie about who you really are. It always comes out in the end. I want to be with you no matter what.”
Gabriel stood up and squared his shoulders. Although nak*d, he seemed far from vulnerable. His large powerful body held my attention completely. He strode towards me, completely natural with his nudity.
I scrambled to my feet and hurriedly wiped my cheeks with the heel of my palms. I felt dwarfed when he reached my side. I wanted to reach out and touch him. I didn’t trust myself just yet to do it.
“Emma, have a care with me. If I push too hard, if you decide you can’t handle it…what I like…it will gut me completely. I don’t want to damage you, Emma. I just want to love you, but I don’t know how. I never did.”
I whispered his name helplessly. My hand hovered above his hip. “I want you to be open with me. I want to at least try this.”
“I’m afraid to risk you, Emma.”
“But—”
“Those women entered into a relationship with me knowing full well what I expected. You didn’t. I can’t treat you the same.”
“So what will we do? Pretend like this isn’t a part of who you are? That we’re normal?”
Gabriel shook his head. “Never that.”
“Then what?”
He stayed silent for a long time before saying, “Remember the story from earlier?”
I nodded, confused as to why he was bringing it up.
“The despot lord won in a way. Although the concubine loved her husband, she never fully trusted him enough to completely retire her blades. They lay there by her side, ready to be used at any moment. I would not have it be that way with us.”
“Oh.” It was the only thing I could say. Maybe our love story wasn’t going to be a happy one after all. We didn’t trust each other completely. I closed my eyes, heart twisting in violent agony. No, this wasn’t going to be the end. If Gabriel wasn’t going to make a decision then I was.
We didn’t come this far to let a little pain and fear stop us.
Renewed with determination, I looked up at him. “Are you hungry?”
Gabriel shrugged and admitted, “A little.”
“Good. Let me make you something to eat.”
“It’s late, Emma. I can pick something up.”
“No, I want to cook for you. Come on.”
Gabriel picked up his discarded pants from the foot of the bed and slipped them on. I waited at the doorway, hand held out. His fingers closed over mine. Gabriel followed me down the short hall into the kitchen where he then sat at my tiny bar.
Neither of us was very talkative, but I noticed Gabriel seemed fascinated in watching me do my domestic goddess duties. His gaze followed me from sink to stove to cupboard, gradually losing their stormy color and returning to crystalline blue. I ruffled his hair from time to time, gliding my thumb across his lips and relishing at how soft they were.
In no time at all, I made us spaghetti, salad, and garlic bread. I set the table and pulled back a chair for Gabriel. When he sat down, I leaned forward and kissed the side of his neck.
“I love you.” I slid my arms around his wide shoulders. “I really do.”
Gabriel kissed my hand. “I love you too.” Our grumbling bellies broke us apart. We weren’t where we wanted to be, but we were getting there. He ate every bit on his plate and asked for seconds. His smiles lost their melancholy edge as I chatted brightly about any and everything. When I served us chocolate pudding for desert, Gabriel pulled me onto his lap and kissed me soundly.
I knew it wasn’t just because he loved pudding so much.
“Are we going to be okay, Emma?”
“More than okay.”
“Swear it.”
I swore and sealed it with a long open-mouthed kiss. Eventually we broke apart and I led him to the couch. All too quickly our clothes were scattered on the ground. We agreed to keep boxes of condoms stocked in all rooms when I had to sprint back to my nightstand.
Once set, I slid slowly down over Gabriel. We both groaned loudly as I rocked over him, again and again. Love words devolved to whispers of pleasure until he said, “Faster.”
I obeyed his ragged command. Gabriel hit my backside sharply and growled, “I said faster.”
Excitement shot through me starting from the handprint on my ass. Fingers digging into his shoulders, I gained my feet and bounced up and down. Gabriel purred. His hand cupped my unmarked cheek. Although his grip was gentle, I took it as an unspoken threat.
My core flooded. Gabriel’s feral smile told me he noticed my body’s reaction. When his thumb and forefinger found my cl*t I lost it. Gabriel’s free hand held my chin. Staring into his eyes as I came, I felt a part of me fall away from me and into him.
Gabriel soon followed afterwards.
Panting and temporarily satiated, we held onto each other in a sweaty sprawl. My thigh muscles burned and my bottom did too. It felt glorious.
“Emma, how adverse would you be to going on the pill?”
I cracked open one eye. “You want me to make an appointment tomorrow?”
“Yes, please.” Gabriel nuzzled my ear. “Once we’ve got our clean bill of health and you’re safe, I’m so going to come in you until you’re dripping.”
I moaned my acceptance and called him a “filthy boy.”
Gabriel showed me explicitly just how filthy he could be. When my muscles were jelly, we got dressed again and watched some TV until my official bedtime rolled around. Cuddled in his arms, I asked, “Do you want to stay here tonight, Gabriel?”
He looked down at me and nodded. “I just need to grab some things from my apartment. I’ll be back in a minute.”
“Sure.” I walked him to the door and kissed him before Gabriel slipped out. My body already missed him terribly.
I couldn’t lose Gabriel. Not when I’d just found him.
Knowing I only had a little bit of time left before he returned, I picked up my cell phone and quickly scrolled through my contacts. A push of the button and then I heard the familiar husky notes of an old friend.
“Hello, Gretchen? I’m sorry for calling so late, but I have a huge favor to ask you. Can you meet me for lunch tomorrow?”
FIVE
Not seeing Gabriel for lunch was difficult to say the least. He sighed, pouted, and grumbled when I told him over the phone I wasn’t free. He even came down to my office, barging into my cubicle, and dared me to tell him again.