“Do you want to call Lindsey?” he asked. “Or should I?”
“If you call again, she might not pick up,” I said. “I’ll do it.”
The call ended up going to her voicemail anyway. “Hey, Lindsey, call me back when you get a chance. I’ve got something to tell you.” I paused. “It’s not about…the other thing. You’re going to want to hear this. Talk to you soon.”
My phone started ringing almost immediately after I hung up.
“What? What? WHAT?” Lindsey shrieked.
“Guess,” I said, smiling.
“YOU’RE PREGNANT.”
“Apparently,” I said, pulling the phone away from my ear and turning it on speaker.
“OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. IT’S TRUE.” There some kind of loud, unidentifiable noise in the background. “How far along?”
“Twelve weeks,” said Daniel, coming over. “They think it’s a girl.”
“OH MY GOD!”
“I’ll send you some of the ultrasound pictures,” Daniel went on. “Maddy can’t look at them anymore. It’s going to give her nightmares.”
“Fuck off,” I said, grinning at him. “Lindsey, seriously, you need to come down and visit. I’ve got all this wine I can’t drink. I want to give it to you.”
“Uh, obviously I’m coming to visit!” There was a moment of silence. “What’s the situation with…you know, everything else?”
“He’s still in town,” Daniel said. “We don’t have to tell him you’re here, if you don’t want.”
Lindsey let out a gigantic sigh. “I just don’t know what to do, Danny. Of course I want to see him again, you know? I want to hug him, and punch him, and kick him in the testicles. But I don’t know if any of those things is a good idea.”
“He never was much of a hugger,” Daniel said, smiling. “Well, I’m sure he’d love to see you.”
“Ugh.” Lindsey sighed again. “But, you know, that’s great news. About the baby. I’m really excited for you. But I guess that article I saw was a little bit off on the timing, wasn’t it? You must barely be showing now.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t a real baby bump,” I said. “Just an unfortunate angle, and a hell of a coincidence.”
“I figured,” said Lindsey. “That’s why I didn’t bug you about it. I mean, how insulting, right? Your own sister in law believing news about your life from a tabloid. I figured you’d tell me when you were ready.” There was a slight noise, like her shifting the phone to the other side. “Danny, how are you taking it?”
“Fine,” said Daniel, looking remarkably complacent to fit his tone. “Just fine. It was a bit of a shock at first, we weren’t planning it. But all things considered, you know, I’m happy.”
“Well, that’s just great,” said Lindsey. “Look, I’ve got a meeting, I need to go, but I’m going to figure out when I can get away and come down for a visit as soon as I can. Okay?” She hesitated. “Don’t tell dad for now. I’m not sure about that yet.”
“Of course,” said Daniel. “See you soon.”
She hung up, and I still couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.
“Are you happy?” I asked, looking at Daniel. I knew the answer. I just wanted to hear it.
“Of course,” he said. “Of course I am.” He reached across the table and took my hand. “Seriously, for a girl, you don’t like Lila?”
“It sounds like…I don’t know.” I frowned. “It’s almost sinister, isn’t it? Like a demon or something.”
“That’s Lilith, dear.”
“Well, that’s still too close.” I shook my head. “I don’t know. I have no idea. I don’t want to saddle her with something she’ll hate.”
“Catherine is nice and versatile.”
“And boring.”
“You’re incredibly picky.” He frowned. “What about Olivia?”
“It’s so formal-sounding, don’t you think?”
“Christ.”
“Look, we’ve got plenty of time to figure it out. Why don’t you whittle it down to a top ten on your own time, and then I can shoot them all down later.” I smiled at him. “Besides, it might still be a boy.”
“If it is,” said Daniel, “let’s never speak of these few weeks when we were convinced he was a girl.”
I laughed for a solid minute and a half.
***
I stopped by the gallery again, armed with a few coffees - decaf for me - and hoping to have another conversation with Curtis, in which he might be a little more easily persuaded.
Walking through the main room, I couldn’t help but notice all the red dots on so many of the pieces. A seed of an idea was growing in the back of my mind.
“Maddy,” he said, when he saw me, “I didn’t expect to see you.”
“I was in the neighborhood, just thought I’d stop by,” I said, handing him his drink. “You’re really selling the place out.”
“Yeah, it’s amazing how many people turn out when they hear the phrase ‘going out of business.’” He sat down, and as I took off my coat, I noticed his eyes drifting to the increasingly obvious bulge in my stomach.
“Okay,” I said. “So elephant in the room, yes, I’m pregnant.”
“Oh my God,” he jumped up and ran over to me, hugging me sideways. “Honey, that’s so great. Congratulations.”
“It’s a little bit overwhelming,” I said. “We weren’t exactly…”
“Well, you’ll get used to the idea, I’m sure,” said Curtis. “How’s your husband taking it?”
“He’s sort of…” I had to search for the right word. “…in awe, I think. He’s scared to, but he seems to be taking to the idea. They say it’s a girl, probably.”
“A little girl,” he said. “Wow.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s a lot to think about. A girl, especially. There’s just so much pressure. How do you even raise a little girl in this world? I mean, I know how not to, thanks to my parents. But aside from that? God. I keep feeling like I’m going to make some kind of huge, horrible mistake.”
“I might be totally off-base with this,” said Curtis, “but I’ve always thought that the fear of making a huge mistake will usually keep you humble enough to be a good parent. That’s the trick, I think, really. You have to stay in awe of the fact that you have so much influence over another person’s life, rather than taking it for granted and getting drunk on the power of it.”
“That’s a great way to put it.” I smiled. “Daniel’s father, he…he was power-tripping pretty hard, from the sounds of it. My parents kind of did the same thing. Didn’t want to let me make any decisions about my own life.”
“It’s hard,” said Curtis. “Believe me, it’s hard.”
“I didn’t know you had kids.”
He raised his index finger. “Just the one. A daughter, as it happens. She’s…she’s very happy, she’s doing her thing. She’s nothing like me. Or her mother, really. Don’t know where that one came from.” He was smiling, but I could tell there was something beneath the surface. “Works for the government. I’m very proud of her. But…yeah, you know, there were times when I wanted to ‘put my foot down’ and tell her she was making the wrong decision. Because I was sure it was wrong. Which it would have been - for me. And sometimes, it was the wrong decision for her, too. But she had to make it herself. She had to figure it out on her own, or she’d never really learn. The last thing I wanted to do was raise someone who was terrified of making the wrong decision, because then, you just do nothing.”
I nodded, nursing my decaf.
“Letting go is the hardest thing,” he said. “You don’t ever stop thinking about them. It’s like having a limb cut off. A piece of you is out there somewhere, and you can’t really control what happens to it. You find yourself trying to read their minds, sometimes. You want to know what they’re thinking so you can really help them, really cut through all the bullshit, but you can’t. You just have to trust them to honest with you, and hope that they trust your advice. And, you know, throw out the stuff that doesn’t really apply to them.” He paused. “I guess really, at the heart of it, it’s just about accepting that they’ve grown up.”
“Ugh.” I stretched my legs out in front of me. “I’m so clueless.”
“You’ll figure it out.” He reached over and patted my arm.
“I can’t believe I won’t be able to bring her in here and tell her all about Mommy’s first art show,” I said. “Because I’m sure she’d find that absolutely fascinating.”
“She’ll be very proud of your art, I’m sure,” said Curtis. “As soon as she’s old enough to understand what it is.”
I rotated my cup around on the desk, slowly. “Have you thought any more about what we were talking about last time?” I met his eyes. “About opening a new gallery?”
He shook his head. “Maddy, you can keep barking up that tree all day and all night. It’s not going to happen. You can get a showing at any gallery you want now, you don’t need to waste any time worrying about me.”
“I can’t help it,” I said. “You deserve better than this.”
“Evidently, I don’t,” he said. “I made a series of decisions that landed me here. It might not be ‘fair,’ exactly, but I have to accept it.” He looked at me, and smiled. “Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate what you’re trying to do here. But I’m at peace with it now. I’m done with this business. It was great fun while it lasted, and it brought me a lot of beautiful things, but there’s no reason to extend it beyond what it was meant to be.” He let out a long, slow breath. “I’m done, Maddy.”
***
“Now, I don’t normally do maternity.” Emily was fitting a tailor’s tape around my waist. “But, I was able to make a few phone calls and get in some special orders for you. The problem, of course, is that by the time any alterations are done, it might not fit anymore and we’re back to square one. It’s a challenge. Which is, as I said, why we don’t really do maternity.” She stopped and smiled. “But for you, of course - anything.”
“I appreciate it,” I said, lifting my arms. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to send me on a guilt trip or not. With Emily, sometimes it was hard to tell.
“I know you’re going to be reasonable about it,” she said, going over to a rack in the corner. “Which helps. Some women, you know, they get angry, and they don’t want to accept that their body is changing even though they’re pregnant, of course it’s changing. But you’re not insane, so I’m more than happy to work with you.”