Sawyer's black hair entered my vision as she exited the classroom, a big smile on her face as she talked to a young looking blonde girl. She hadn't seen me yet, but I was positive that the moment she looked into my eyes, I'd start to cry. I didn't want to cry again in front of her, especially over Lillian.
I backed up and ran into Mrs. Ryans. She looked over at my panicked face staring at Sawyer and pulled me into a classroom. I broke down the minute the door closed. She held me and let me cry all over her. I hated it. I hated feeling so weak in front of a teacher-like figure. She only held me close and rubbed my back though, making soothing sounds and not commenting.
When I'd finished, I pulled away from her, wiping my nose on my sleeve and turning my face away from her. I sat on a nearby desk and sniffled, getting my breath and emotions under control. Mrs. Ryans sat on a desk near me and waited patiently for me to be more put back together.
When I was, she quietly said, "Lucas...can you talk about her now?"
I knew which her she meant and the beginning of a sob rose to my throat. I shook my head and looked at her, my eyes begging for the torture to be done for one day. She seemed to understand my expression and nodded. Her next words made that sob escape however. "I'm very proud of you for telling me. I know that was hard." As my eyes let more embarrassing tears escape, that I hurriedly brushed away, she brought a hand to my cheek. "We'll leave it for another day, okay?"
With a shaky exhale, I nodded, a numb sort of relief filling me. Relief that the burden of my hidden secret was lifted, relief that she hadn't outright called me nuts and relief that I didn't need to open up any more today; my fresh wound hurt enough. She moved her hand from my cheek to my knee and patted it a couple times.
"I do have an assignment for you though."
With an even shakier voice I muttered, "What?"
She smiled and tilted her head at me. "I want you to take Sawyer to the winter dance."
I shook my head like she'd just asked me to jump out the window. The winter dance was the last official school function before winter break. It was semi-formal and open to every student. I'd gone last year with Lillian and the others. It had been a fun night with lots of holding and kissing and...
"What? I can't... Sawyer and I can't..." I sputtered on my words and couldn't finish.
Her lips twisted and a somber look passed her. "This is important for you, Lucas. I want you to go. I think Sawyer is the best person to go with you, and who you take is ultimately up to you...but I do want you to go, regardless of your escort."
"But...I don't dance." Even I knew that objection wasn't going to get me anywhere.
She smiled with one corner of her lip. "It's not about dancing, Lucas, and you know that." Her face got serious again. "It's about you reconnecting with society, with your peers. It's about you stopping this shut down. It's about you living...in this world."
I bristled at that and pulled away from her hand on my knee. I waited for her to further comment on my dream life, but she didn't. She only held my gaze and I knew we both knew what she was talking about. I shook my head and she sighed, but shrugged. "I can't make you go, Lucas...but I do think it would help you." She stood up and put a hand on my shoulder. "Think about it." Her eyes drifted over my worn features. "Think about if what you're doing now...is making anything in your life better." Her voice was soft and concerned, full of genuine compassion and I found myself nodding.
I stayed in that classroom after she left, my body swirling with so many emotions, I could only feel numbness. My chin lifted when I heard the door open. Sawyer's head popped in, looking around. She spotted me still sitting on a desk and walked into the room. "There you are." Her brows creased together as I stared blankly at her. I wasn't sure what I looked like, but I knew how I felt: empty, alone...tired.
She sat beside me, not breaking our eye contact. Her hand came up to brush some hair off my forehead and she ran her fingers down my cheek, brushing away a tear I hadn't even realized was there. Her thumb continued stroking my face as we gazed at each other.
"Tough session?" she whispered. I could only swallow and nod in answer. The hardest one yet. With a sigh, she brought her arm around me and pulled me in for a tight hug. "I'm sorry, Luc." I exhaled as she said the words, feeling like she was apologizing for more than just my meeting with Mrs. Ryans.
Feeling the tension between us slip away, I hugged her back just as tight and whispered, "I'm sorry too." She nodded in my shoulder and I knew she knew exactly what I meant by that.
She drove me home and stayed with me for awhile, going over our Philosophy homework while slyly watching to make sure I was really okay. Other than homework, we didn't talk much. I didn't tell her about my session and she didn't ask. We didn't talk any more about what had happened between us; that was over and dealt with. And I definitely didn't ask her to the dance. It was such a crazy idea that I couldn't even entertain it yet.
I didn't really want to reconnect with society, with my peers. They didn't want to reconnect with me either. At least the rejection was mutual. I didn't see the point of it, and I didn't see the harm of having a better life in my dreams, crazy as that was. For now, going to a silly high school dance seemed the crazier suggestion and I didn't bring it up around Sawyer.
Dances were apparently in my thoughts when I fell asleep that night though. I blankly looked around at a fully decked out for a dance gymnasium, complete with blue and white crepe paper, generic popular music in the background and a revolving disco ball suspended from the ceiling, throwing sparks of light across the laminated floor. I looked down at myself, taking in the black slacks and white button-down dress shirt. I ran a hand through my hair and felt the product styling it back into more manageable waves. I looked around the empty room, feeling the lonely expanse of it. Where was everyone?
The room suddenly felt...thicker. The scent of lilies and vanilla hit me and I closed my eyes, remembering the fragrance Lillian used for special occasions. Dances, dates, nights when she snuck into my bed to be intimate with me... The memories assaulted me, and I swallowed and sat on the bleacher behind me. Panicky nerves shot through me. She was finally reappearing to me. I was about to finally see her again...and she'd know. She'd know I was unfaithful to her. She'd hate me. She'd finally hate me...and I deserved her hatred.
I felt her presence get even closer and my whole body tensed. I couldn't do this. I couldn't look at her and break her heart, without even having to say a word. Her high heeled shoes filled my vision as I regretfully opened my eyes. I swallowed but didn't look up at her, not wanting to see those achingly beautiful pale eyes fill with tears.
She wasn't just going to let me ignore her though. She squatted down and looked up at me. I avoided looking at her face, my gaze instead going to her dark blue silk dress, the spaghetti straps clinging to her pale shoulders. I swallowed again.
"Lucas," she whispered.
I closed my eyes briefly and then made myself look up to hers. Her hands stroked my knees as she squatted in front of me, a small smile playing on her peach lips, a trace amount of smoky eye makeup highlighting the brilliant blue irises gazing at me lovingly, only the slightest hint of moisture in them.
"I'm sorry," I immediately choked out.
She shook her head, the tight blonde curls of her intricate up-do bouncing as she did. "Don't, Luc...it's okay."
A tear dropped to my cheek as I swallowed and spoke the words I was terrified to say. "I...I feel like I cheated on you." My voice quavered horribly and I swallowed again, looking down at my hands pressing against my stomach.
Her hands came up to grab mine and I looked back at the hazy image of her in my watery vision. "That's ridiculous, Luc." She shook her pale head again. "You can't cheat on me...," she shrugged, "I'm already gone..."
I shook my head and grabbed her face. "Not to me...not to me..." I brought her lips to mine, needing her comfort. "I'm so sorry. It won't happen again, I promise," I whispered against her mouth.
She pulled back and sighed brokenly. "I want you to do this, Lucas. I want you to move forward with Sawyer." Her lips came up to a small smile and I felt my heart seize. "I'm telling you it's okay."
I reached up to stroke her cheek, brushing aside a tear as it spilled from her eye. "Then why are you crying?"
She swallowed, her smile slipping. "Just because I know it's right...doesn't mean it's easy."
I searched her face, not wanting to listen. "I can't be with her, Lillian..." She shook her head, like she knew what I was going to say next. "I can't be with her...because I'm in love with you." I searched her watery eyes as I reverently whispered, "I love...you."
Her eyes closed and tears fell from both of them. "Oh, Lucas..." She reopened them, pain and joy clear in her face. "I love you too." She leaned in to kiss me and I pulled her tight, never wanting to let her go.
Chapter 14
A Moment of Happiness
I awoke that next morning with a feeling in my chest that bordered on genuine happiness. I stared at my ceiling and absorbed every detail of the dream I'd just had: the way Lillian's hair caught the sparkling light of the disco ball, the way the silky dress she wore clung to her body when we danced, the way her lips repeated over and over that she loved me too.
We'd finally said it. We'd finally moved past that last barrier between us and exposed our hearts to each other. It was no great surprise, but we hadn't been able to make that leap in real life. Being able to do it at all, even in a fantasy world, gave me a nearly euphoric feeling.
I stretched out my muscles while a long grin spread on my face. The dream had lasted much longer than most dreams I'd had of late. It was like neither one of us had wanted to let go of that peaceful moment. We'd recreated the last dance we'd been to when she'd been alive, minus the swarm of people. It had just been Lillian and me on the dance floor and every song had been a slow one. Her arms had wrapped around my neck and mine had cinched tight around her waist. I'd told her nonstop that I loved her, that I needed her, and she'd run her fingers through the back of my hair and kissed me repeatedly.
I closed my eyes, remembering the feel of those lips on mine. I didn't care what Mrs. Ryans said - it was real. As real as lying awake in my bed, as real as plodding through school, and as real as hanging out with Sawyer.
I opened my eyes and sighed. Sawyer. While our relationship had coalesced back to normalcy by the end of the day yesterday, I couldn't help but think that we were on the edge of something. That, if I let that happen again, I'd push her to the point where there was no saving our friendship. She'd been unbelievably patient with me up until this point, but I could see the strain of my mixed signals getting to her.
I couldn't imagine being in her position; liking someone who seemingly flirted and acted like they liked you back, only to have them push you away from any real intimacy. But, we couldn't be like that...even if I did share her feelings, which I wasn't sure if I did or not. I mean, how can I be head over heels in love with Lillian and have my heart ache for Sawyer? I couldn't. I didn't. What I felt for Sawyer was immense comfort and limitless friendship - my body wanted to translate that into a physical relationship because I was a seventeen year old virgin. That made more sense.