I got out of bed and ran a hand down my face. I wouldn't take it there again though. I'd be the friend Sawyer deserved and keep my physical distance. I'd return us to a more normal guy/girl relationship of at least a foot apart at all times. Then my hormones would be kept in check and she wouldn't get hurt anymore. I could at least do that for her.
And for Lillian.
I made my way to the bathroom to shower and shave, all the while thinking of Lillian again. I'd hurt her. She may have tried to stoically brush it off as 'that's real life and you should embrace it', but I could see it in the slight tremor of her lip and the few tears she'd let slide down her cheek. I'd abandoned her, betrayed her and she'd been devastated. I'd never do that again. I'd never bring her pain again. I'd never let her go...we were going to be together forever.
As I sat down for my coffee with Mom, a smile was still with me and she delighted in seeing it. She commentated on it and I only told her things were fine. I didn't want to tell her that Lillian and I had finally moved up in our romance. She'd tell me that was impossible and I needed help...etc, etc, etc. I didn't want to hear it. I felt good today and I was going to keep that feeling, even if that meant being vague or even outright lying to people.
Sawyer surprised both my mom and me by arriving a few minutes early and coming inside. Mom stood up and gave her the chair she'd been sitting in, then poured her a fresh cup of coffee. Sawyer politely thanked her, twisting the ring on her thumb, and my mom leaned back on the counter, beaming at the two of us.
Mom believed Sawyer was making me happy and wanted to foster that, wanted us to be together, or maybe she thought we already were. To a casual observer it did look that way, especially with her still wearing my jacket. But we weren't, and even though she did make me happy, happier than any living person, she wasn't the one making me smile softly into my coffee cup.
"You seem...better today," she said quietly, once we were finally driving to school.
I grinned and flicked her disco ball hanging off her rear view mirror. It caught the early morning rays and threw tiny dots of lights across her dashboard. It reminded me of my dream so firmly that I let out a contented sigh and leaned back in my seat.
"Do I?" Even I could hear the bounce in my voice and I laughed lightly as I stared off into the window. "I guess I just had a good night."
"Oh." Her voice was genuinely surprised and I looked back at her. She met my eye and scrunched her brows. "That surprises me. Usually when you have a bad session, it takes you a couple days to get...well, to smile again, honestly." She shrugged, her concerned look not leaving her.
I sighed as I thought back over talking with Mrs. Ryans yesterday. I'd messed up. I'd said way too much and broken a wall I hadn't meant to break. I was hastily trying to repair that wall now; plastering the fragments before it completely fell apart on me. She knew I dreamed of Lillian. She knew I considered that a real relationship. She'd surely assign me medication now...but that didn't mean I had to take it. I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. Well, besides go in the first place.
I shrugged and told Sawyer the one thing we'd discussed that I could share. "She surprised me more than anything. She wants me to go to that stupid winter dance." I shook my head. "I haven't been to a dance since..." I bit my lip and looked back out the window. "It just took me back that she'd ask me to take you to something like that."
"She wants you to take me...to a dance?"
I spun my head back around to her at the incredulity in her voice. She was studying the road. Her hair was pulled back into a neat and orderly ponytail, giving me a perfect view of her expression. She was trying to keep her face neutral, but I'd studied her features long enough to know when she was excited. Her eyes flicked along the road, probably not even seeing it and a merry glow seemed to spark in the grayness. The very edges of her lips were curled up in a slight smile and her hands had tightened on the wheel.
Oh god, she wants to go. I'd never imagined that possibility. Not that I'd imagined going at all, but still, I'd pictured Sawyer being as resistant to the very idea of it as me.
"Do you...would you want to go?" I whispered, praying she said no...and meant it.
She bit her lip, her eyes sparkling even more as she sat up straighter in her seat. "I didn't get... I missed... " She stumbled around for words before finally shaking her head and sighing. "Yeah, I've always..." She bit her lip again and a light flush ran along her cheeks. She giggled nervously and simply said, "Yeah."
She flicked a quick glance at me, noticed the look on my face, that must have been somewhere between humor and horror, and frowned. "But you don't want to..." Her eyes went back to the main road. "No, of course you don't want that. That was something you shared with..." She shook her head. "Oh, that's why you were upset... "
I fixed my face and started to say something, but she cut me off. "I'm sorry...of course you don't want to go. That was stupid of me to think that you might..."
Her face flushed deeper and she fixed her eyes straight ahead. My thoughts stuttered and no coherent words came out of me. I shut my mouth and looked out the window as we made the final turn into the school parking lot. I'd never imagined that conversation playing out this way. I thought I'd tell her crazy Mrs. Ryans plans and she'd laugh it off with me, agreeing that the woman was loony. I'd never considered that Sawyer would actually want to go with me.
I watched her worry her lip as she parked the car. Of course...she was a girl. As different as she seemed from other girls, as mature and pragmatic as she could seem sometimes, she was still a girl. And I knew from a year of being with Lillian, that girls liked dances. They liked getting decked out to the nines in slinky dresses and professionally done up-dos. They liked the loud music and cheesy balloon arches and getting posed photographs taken. They liked seeing their men dress nice and act more gentlemanly than teenage boys generally did, bringing them flowers and taking them out to a nice dinner. They liked standing close and pressing their bodies right up against their men, nearly promising more intimate acts later, if they were taken care of in the right way.
I sighed as she shut the car off. If I did this for her, asked her to go, that last part might be a problem. Not that I would let anything happen between us...again, but it would violate my new "foot apart" rule if we slow danced all night. I looked back to her as she started to open her door. I suppose I could put that rule on hold, for one night.
"Sawyer," I said, stopping her from finishing cracking open her escape route. She looked back at me, a faint redness still along her cheeks. "Would you like to go to the dance with me?"
Her flush deepened and she let out a nervous laugh. I kept my face steady and even, so she'd know that I was serious, that I was seriously asking her. Her eyebrows rose as she took in my face. "Are you being serious?" Her voice matched her eyes.
I nodded and let a smile creep into my lips. "Yes."
Her eyes narrowed and her brow scrunched together as she twisted in her seat to face me, her escape route momentarily forgotten. "You didn't seem like you wanted to go...why?"
I shrugged. "Honestly, I don't." Her face darkened and I quickly added, "But you do...and after everything..."
My words drifted off as I looked over her softening face. The early light of morning backlit her dark hair and her face glowed at me like an angel. I swallowed as I looked over her features, resisting the urge to cup that porcelain cheek. Keeping a distance with her might be harder than I first thought. She tilted her head as she watched whatever emotion was sliding across my features. I swallowed again and looked down, pushing back the odd feeling that had started to build in me.
"After everything you've put up with from me, I could at least put up with this..." I looked up and met her eye again, "...for you."
She swallowed as she searched my face. I made myself calmly watch her, unblinking, unworried about the delightful tension building in the car. She locked her gaze to mine, leaning forward slightly. My eyes flicked down to her lips before I caught myself and forcefully looked back up at her eyes. Her hand raised and she brushed some hair off my forehead. I wanted to lean into her touch and made myself not react. I also made myself not pull away either. She didn't know about my new rule. She didn't realize she was breaking it. I couldn't just initiate something like that without warning her first.
When I didn't react or touch her back, she pulled her hand away and set it in her lap. "Okay," she said slowly. "I'd love to go with you."
She grinned and then turned to open her door. The tension left the car with her and I stayed in my seat a moment, wondering how so much had changed so fast. Wasn't I dead set against going just yesterday?
She stood outside her car waiting for me, delight clear in her eyes, and shaking my head, I opened my door and joined her. She held her hand out for me and stepped within the one foot radius I'd mentally set as a "do not enter" zone. I didn't take her hand and stepped back. She cocked her head at me and I sighed, knowing I'd have to talk about this with her sooner or later, and sooner was probably a better idea.
She started to take a step towards me and I put my hands out to stop her. She shook her head at my gesture, confusion, and maybe a bit of hurt, clear in her eyes.
"I've been thinking," I started, glancing around to see if any students were this far back in the lot with us. A few were and were watching, but I needed to do this, for her sake. I swallowed and continued, "I...don't want to hurt you any more than I know I have." She looked about to argue and I held my hands up higher. "No, I know you think you were as much to blame as me for what happened the other night, but the truth is..."
I paused, wondering what to tell her. I'd opened this conversation up without thinking about how I could explain keeping her away from me, without hurting her even more. She'd made every appearance that she liked touching me, liked being close. If I suddenly shoved her back and told her I didn't want her physically near me...well, I couldn't see how that wouldn't hurt her. Unless...unless I played the one card every guy my age has. God, I hated to play it. I wasn't a Neanderthal...I did have control. Usually.
I half smiled and shrugged. "I'm just a guy. You're a really pretty girl and when you're around me, my body reacts to..." My cheeks heated, but I made myself say it, "I've never had sex with anyone and I really want to...and when you're touching me all the time, I forget that we're only friends and all I can think about is that you have br**sts and that I'd like to..." I swallowed, wanting to crawl back in the car. "I'm sorry. I can only control myself so much. I think we should keep some distance between us from now on."
Oh, god. I wanted...to die.
Her face dropped in shock so many times while I was speaking that it was nearly comical. She sputtered on what to comment on first. "Distance? From me? You like my...? You want to...? Wait, you're a...virgin?" She shook her head in disbelief as I closed my eyes, wanting to skip forward to the part where this was just a fact between us, and we never talked about it...ever again. "You...you think I'm pretty?"