I opened my eyes at that and smiled at the awe on her face as she took that in. Only meaning to tell her that of course she was pretty, I found myself whispering, "I think you're beautiful." My voice came out nearly reverent and I mentally slapped myself. God, I might as well shove my tongue down her throat. It would be just as misleading. A warmth settled in me at that thought and I shook my head to break it.
Her eyes had moistened and her mouth dropped open again. Sighing at how my morning was not going as seamlessly as I'd imagined (maybe Sawyer and I had crossed that line of friendship too many times already ...), I shoved my hands firmly in my pockets and motioned with my head to the main building. "We're going to be late," I muttered and immediately started walking.
She fell into step beside me, and with her gaze never leaving mine for more than a few seconds, we made our way to class. On the way there, I noticed things I hadn't seen before - signs for the upcoming winter dance were everywhere. Handmade posters were taped up every few feet down the hall, a large banner hung over the window on the staircase and eight by ten notices were plastered on every classroom door, urging students to buy tickets to the last dance of this year. Now that I'd agreed to go, I couldn't seem to escape it. Interesting how I'd blocked all this out before.
Sawyer kept her distance from me but bounded to her seat with a grin on her face. I had no idea what was going on in her head. Was it really just about getting dressed up and having fun together, or was she imagining having her arms around my neck all night. I flushed as I thought about how close she'd be and for how long. I wondered if maybe I should talk to Lil, to reassure her that nothing was going to happen. I was just being a good friend and making my counselor happy. But, knowing Lillian, she would tearfully smile and tell me that I should let something happen, that I should be with Sawyer and not her, or something equally ridiculous. It didn't seem like she was going to break things off with me, but she was sure insistent for me to break things off with her. Like I'd ever do that.
I carefully walked past Will on the way to my seat. When I looked up at him though, he was busy in a conversation with Randy and didn't even notice me. Randy glanced up at me and then hurriedly shifted back to his almost intense sounding conversation with Will. They seemed to be arguing about the last football game.
The season had ended before Thanksgiving break and our team...hadn't done well. I'd run into Coach in the hallway after the final defeat and he'd actually scowled at me. Like the fact that Will tended to drop the ball, and the other team took advantage of that and scored a lot, was somehow my fault. He'd muttered that I'd probably let him down for baseball too and then stormed off down the hall. I hadn't seen him since, but got the feeling that when spring rolled around, he'd be all over me to try out. I had no plans to.
Sawyer had filled me in on bits and pieces of the football games, since she went to most of them. It had surprised me at first when she'd admitted that she did...I hadn't gone to a single one. She'd said that she went with the Safe and Sound club, and that a bunch of them from the club went to every game, trying to dissuade the ranks from the debauchery of post-game partying. Games were Friday nights and before that fateful Thanksgiving dinner, we'd generally parted ways Friday afternoon until Monday morning. It had never occurred to me that she'd go to the games without me. She'd said she wouldn't if her parents didn't insist on it. Apparently they wanted her to reconnect with the community as well.
She laughingly had told me about how awful things had gone. I think she'd been attempting to cheer me up, let me know I was missed. And in a microscopic way, it had. A small part of me enjoyed the fact that my absence was noticed in some small way. At least to Coach, if not the rest of the team. For the rest of them...well, I think they'd rather take the loss than have me play with them. And Will had been especially stormy around me when the loss after loss had started being attributed to him. He'd started acting like my being a better player was a character flaw that needed to be humiliated out of me. As I sat down, I was eternally grateful that he and Randy's conversation had kept him out of my hair, for one morning at least.
Sawyer had an adorable grin on her throughout the entire class. She seemed to find my multiple mortifying revelations endearing. I still felt flushed with embarrassment. I really hadn't wanted to say any of that, especially the being a virgin part, but I couldn't tell her the real reason why I needed space and it seemed as good of an excuse as any. Maybe if I hadn't added that last part about her being beautiful, she wouldn't look so thrilled.
We worked on our reports for the books we were supposed to have finished yesterday and she gave me small, knowing smiles every few minutes. I couldn't help but grin back at her, but I did wonder if any of my admissions had been for the best.
I walked her to the front doors after class and as we separated she leaned into me, but never actually touched me. With a laugh she jokingly stated that she was headed off to her workout, huffing over to the Science building for one class, only to turn back around afterwards and head right back up to the second floor. I laughed with her and wished her luck in her Chem. test.
When I saw her again she was huffing and getting her breath back, but her face was still excited, darn near elated. I mentally sighed, but returned her beaming smile for her benefit. She'd been running later than usual and just made it in the door when the bell rang. When I asked her what she'd been doing, she shyly admitted that she'd been talking to Sally Hoffen, the Safe and Sound club president, about the dance. They'd been going over hair styles and dress ideas. She was telling me she was concerned about how she'd afford a nice enough dress when I interrupted her.
"You told Sally that we're going together?" I hadn't meant for my tone to be rough, but in my surprise it kind of came out that way. I rarely talked to anyone besides Sawyer, so it always kind of threw me for a loop that she kept up conversations with other people besides me. Again, I can be a little self absorbed.
Her happy face fell as she looked over mine. I instantly felt bad for bursting her excited bubble and tried to apologize when Mr. Varner slammed his hand down on my desk. I jumped about a foot and turned to stare up at him with wide eyes.
"Mr. West, Miss Smith...do I need to separate you two lovebirds?" His eyes narrowed as he flicked his gaze between the both of us. He ran a hand through his hair and among the giggles running through the classroom, I heard someone dreamily sigh.
"No," I muttered, slinking back in my chair.
He crossed his arms over his chest, and even though I wished this were a dream and I could whisk him away, he remained standing imposingly in front of my desk. "What were you talking about anyway?" His eyes flicked around to the students listening intently and my face heated. "I've always wondered what's so vital that students choose to tune me out." His hands made a go ahead gesture and he sat on the edge of the desk in front of mine, the girl there nearly swooning out of her seat. "So, go ahead...we're all ears."
Sawyer flushed bright red and bit her lip, while I shook my head. No way was I fessing up to him, I'd rather have detention. Unfortunately, the girl with Mr. Varner's rump on her desk decided to be teacher's pet. I could only imagine what favors she thought she was winning. "They were talking about going to the dance together, Mr. Varner," she said brightly.
He smiled at her and then looked back to us with a tilted head. "A dance...how touching." He stood from her desk, making her sigh, and stepped up to mine, leaning over the edge. "I'll be going to that little dance as well, Mr. West." His eyes flicked down me a little contemptuously. "And if you so much as whiff of alcohol...you're gone."
My eyes narrowed and I felt myself starting to stand. I wanted to smack that smug look off his face, and with the surge of embarrassment and anger running through me, I thought I could do it. When I was in a half crouch, I felt a hand on my arm and looked over at Sawyer, who was shaking her head at me emphatically.
Mr. Varner smirked and stood up straight. He raised two fingers at me. "Two strikes, Lucas."
I clenched my hands into fists and made myself stay seated and quiet while he sauntered back to the front of the room. The students around me started giggling and whispering, and I knew the rumor mill had just ground out a new story. Maybe in this one I'd actually slug the bastard.
I was still steaming about the incident with Mr. Varner when Sawyer and I were huddled around her locker later. I kept my back to the lockers and didn't look at them. This morning had started out so well, but it was steadily spiraling downward. I tried to let the heat slide off of me as I rested my head back on the cool metal. I looked over when Sawyer slammed her locker shut.
"He's such an ass! I don't get what girls see in him." She looked at me pointedly. "Does a chiseled face really make up for poor social skills now?"
I grinned at her peevishness, feeling my own die down. "Chiseled?" I teased.
She returned my grin and then frowned a little. "Are you mad that I told Sally?"
She bit her lip and leaned against her locker. I watched her shoulder compress against the locker that should have been my girlfriend's and sighed. I wished Lil was here. I wished I was asleep and could see her. I startled out of my odd desire and shifted my focus back to Sawyer.
I shook my head at her. "No, it just surprised me, that's all." She tilted her head and I sighed again and shrugged. "Sometimes I forget that you have a life without me."
She smiled and started to reach out for me, but then stopped herself. I was glad she had, but found myself with an actual ache at the loss. This was going to be a lot harder than I thought. "I don't have much of a life, if it makes you feel better."
With a grin she started walking down the hall towards Math and I fell into step with her. She looked over at me with a seriousness on her face that I knew pretty well. She was about to say something beyond her years. "You could have it too, you know."
I scrunched my brow, confused. "Huh?"
She lightly shook her head. "Have a life. Have other friends."
Ice flashed through me, but I threw on a smile. "Why would I want other friends, when I'm perfectly content with you?" I shifted my grin to a crooked one and bit back what I was really feeling. No one in this school wanted a friendship with me. No one but Sawyer. She was all I had here. Really, she was all I had awake.
Sawyer seemed to hear my silent words as we walked among the crowds that I felt watching and whispering about us. My upcoming appearance at a school function would be well known by the end of the day. "I know I've mentioned this before, Luc, but not everyone here is against you."
I scoffed at that, not meaning to sound angry and bitter, but clearly hearing it in my own voice anyway. "Right, nothing but warm fuzzies here." I looked around the groups as we walked by. At the people I'd known since practically Kindergarten. I don't know what Sawyer saw, but all I saw were heads bent together in gossip, and I was tired of being gossiped about.
Sawyer sighed. "Well, there's Randy, and that's just one instance."
I stopped in the hallway as her casual remark settled in my system. Was she joking? She looked around when she felt that I wasn't beside her anymore and then looked back at me, her eyebrows raised. I stood a couple paces behind her, my mouth dropped open in what could only resemble a mentally impaired person. "Randy?" I said, incredulously while I heard the kids lining the hall quiet. "Are you serious? You know what Josh had him do to me. You think he wants to be pals?"