Walking over the soft, shorter grass of her lawn, I studied the dark rectangles of the bottom level windows. On the very back corner of the house there was one that had been opened for me. I glanced up at the first and second story windows, but everything was still dark inside. No giant-like shadow pacing on patrol, protecting the teenager's virtue within. Although, with what Sawyer had confessed to me tonight, my virtue would be the only one left in the house. Super.
I crouched down at the window and began to slide it farther open. It squeaked horribly and a "shhh" answered me from inside. Trying for silence, I carefully pushed it open the rest of the way. Most basement rooms have those odd half windows that push out and make access nearly impossible, but these windows had been converted to more traditional, although, still smaller windows. Either her parents or the previous owners hadn't wanted whoever lived in these rooms to be trapped down there if there was a fire. The unwelcome side effect of that was evident, as my body just slipped through the opening - a fire escape also served as the perfect "afterhours" boy's entrance.
I hopped down into Sawyer's room and smiled as I looked around. It was only sort of what I'd expected it to be. Her furniture was white and, although clearly hand-me-downs, were sort of grownup looking. But the curtains and bedding looked like a set for a younger girl, almost pre-teen, with shades of hot pink, neon green, and lavender. The walls were all painted in an infant-like shade of pink, almost like her dad was trying to keep her his baby girl through latex. The half dozen posters of various rock groups tacked up on those pink walls, would make it seem that her dad was failing with that.
CDs and their cases littered her desk, which had an older looking CD player on it along with her school bag. A bookcase beside her bed was overflowing with books - classic novels, romances, and that writer who wrote those mysteries where all the titles started with a different letter in the alphabet. She had up to M, as far as I could tell. Unlike my room, there were no clothes laying around the floor, all of them neatly in her drawers or in her closet, and her bed was neatly made, a faded white teddy bear sitting on her pillow.
She grabbed that teddy bear as she watched my eyes linger on it. A faint blush crept into her cheeks as she muttered, "Barney. I've had him since I was two." She immediately put "Barney" inside her dresser and a corner of my mouth lifted at her embarrassment. Turning back to me, she handed me a pair of sweats and a really big t-shirt. I took them and cocked an eyebrow.
With a pointed glance at my muddy slacks, she said, "I thought you'd get a little dirty walking through the fields, so I grabbed some of my dad's laundry." She shook her head and smiled wryly at me, her dimple showing itself. "You look like you found every mud hole."
I smirked at her and looked back out the pitch black window. "It's dark out there."
She nodded and went over to close the window I'd stupidly left open. "I know...sorry."
I nodded and smiled back at her, finally noticing that she had changed out of her dress. She was wearing lounge pants with the word "juicy" across her bottom. That's what got my attention. She had also slipped on a long-sleeve t-shirt, taken her makeup off and removed the pins from her hair, the dark, freed curls dangling around her shoulders. Apparently, I'd taken awhile getting here.
She looked over my face taking her in and explained. "My dad didn't really like that dress, so I got out of it as quick as I could." She rolled her eyes. "He was waiting for me in the kitchen." A small smile lifted her lips as my eyes widened, wondering if he'd come check on her while I was here. Almost reading my mind she said, "He won't come down here. He saw me getting ready for bed, so he won't worry about me sneaking out...not that I would."
She shrugged at that and I quietly nodded, still a little scared to make any noise at all. She laughed at the restraint on my face and then pushed me towards her door. I automatically tensed when she opened it, but it only led to what kind of looked like a tiny living room. There was a love seat and an old TV and a small stack of movies, all of them romantic comedies, a couple with Matthew McConaughey.
From there, she pointed to a room across from the couch. "The bathroom is there." She gave me a friendly push and was grinning when I looked back at her.
As I walked across the room, I noticed the stairs that led up to the main floor. I kind of felt exposed walking through the line of sight of those stairs, like any minute her dad was going to run down them and fillet me alive. I briefly considered not changing my clothes, so I could make a run for it if needed, but I was pretty dirty, and didn't want to be rude by messing up Sawyer's house.
I changed and got ready for bed, nerves creeping up on me at the thought of staying here with Sawyer all night. I'd never spent the night with a girl before, not even Lil. Not for a full night anyway. Not that I had to stay in Sawyer's bed with her or anything. I could crash on her floor, or better yet, the loveseat in the living room. Feeling more secure with that idea, I splashed some water on my face, grabbed my dirty clothes, and made my way back to her room.
I paused before walking through her doorframe, exhaling a quick breath. She looked up when she saw me, resting a book that she'd been reading on her knees, the letter L mystery, from what I could just make out on the cover. She flicked the corner of the pages with her thumb and bit her lip. I thought she looked as nervous about this as I was. I set my stuff down on a chair at her desk, leaving my shoes on top of my muddy pants, and pointed with my thumb out the door.
"I can... I can stay there..."
She frowned and shook her head, patting the bed beside her. "That couch is awful, really." Looking down shyly, she added, "You can stay...with me." She peeked up at me when she said that and I could clearly see the hope in her eyes. Knowing I shouldn't encourage that hope, I nodded and sat down on the bed.
I lay back on the pillows, adjusting my way too big clothes and propping my bare feet up, so my knees stuck up in the air just like Sawyer's. She put her book on her nightstand and shut off the lamp beside it. Darkness swept over the room and I looked over to the lump I knew was her.
"Thank you for doing this for me," I whispered into the darkness.
I felt her rustle beside me, still not able to see much but a vague outline of her shape. "It's alright, Lucas. I know tonight was hard for you."
"It was hard for you too," I whispered, the words barely audible. She must have heard me, for her hand reached over and grabbed my arm. Her fingers trailed down me until she reached my hand and I laced us together.
I felt the bed move as she shifted her body. I couldn't see her knees in the air anymore, so I thought maybe she'd switched to her side to face me. I shifted as well to face her. The night between us made it almost seem like we were the only two people in the world. A warmth and comfort spread over me and I scrunched closer to her in the small bed. I felt the edge of her body, her knees touching my thighs, and sighed softly.
"Luc?"
Her voice was directly in front of my face, the minty smell of her toothpaste washing over my skin. "Yeah?"
I felt her sigh and the shape of her head started getting clearer to me as my eyes adjusted. She was silent, not asking me anything, and I studied the darkness, wishing I could see more of her. Just when her features started to get clearer, when I could tell that she was biting her lip, she spoke.
"Is...Is Lillian the only reason we're not together?"
I tensed, not sure how to answer that. Finally, feeling that if anything, I owed her the truth, I sighed and said, "Yes." Seeing her brows knit together, but feeling safe wrapped in the night around me, I added, "I still see Lillian, Sawyer."
I felt a smile come to my lips as I thought about Lillian and how close we'd been lately. How any moment now, we'd be pushing past that last physical barrier in our relationship. "We're just like we used to be." I searched Sawyer's face, changing from an indistinguishable black to a faded gray as more light filtered through my eyes. Her face held a blank look as she listened, a forced blank look, and I sighed. Shaking my head, I decided to be as honest with her as I could. "I really hurt her, when she found out about what we...when we..."
Her eyes looked down and I knew she knew what intimate moment I was referring to, so I continued without pinpointing it. "You should have seen her face, Sawyer. I wrecked her." I bit my lip and shook my head, feeling the sudden tears sting my eyes. My voice trembled when I spoke again and Sawyer lifted her gaze back to mine at hearing it. "I won't do that again to her." I brought a hand to her cheek, hoping she could see the apology in my eyes, hear it in my voice. "I can't let anything else happen between us. I can't cheat on her anymore."
She swallowed and her eyes clearly glistened, apparent even in the darkness. "But, we're not...having an affair or anything. She's gone, Luc."
I dropped my hand from her cheek and turned my head and body away from her, looking up to her ceiling. A spattering of glow in the dark stars spelled out 'I love you' right over her bed. I sighed, wishing those words were as simple as they looked. "I have to be faithful to her, she's my girlfriend." My head turned back to her. "And...yes, I know how that sounds. I know I sound completely crazy and that's why I never talked about this with you before. But it's still true...it's how I feel."
She was silent a long moment and then she propped herself up onto an elbow. "Okay, Luc. I don't really understand it and I don't agree with it...but, I haven't gone through what you've gone through, and I don't know how I'd react."
Her voice and face took on that seriousness that I'd gotten used to over the past few months and I automatically paid even closer attention. She looked down at the inch or two between us and then looked back up to me. "Just don't...don't use me. If you don't feel it, that's fine, but don't...don't go there anymore. Please."
I sat up on my elbow as well, twisting to face her. I resisted every urge I had to cup her cheek again. "I'm so sorry about what keeps happening between us, Sawyer. I'm not sure what..." I bit my lip and shook my head. "But I'm not like that a**hole who used you...and I really am sorry...for everything."
Her eyes still glistening, she nodded her head and sank back to her pillows. Releasing our fingers, she rested her head on her curved-back arm. I copied her position and we stared at each other in silence for a few long moments. I felt peace and sleep crawl up on me. After another few silent seconds, she quietly said, "But you do like me?"
I smiled in the dark, reaching over to squeeze her free hand. "Yes, Sawyer. I like you...a lot."
She smiled and looked down, then sadness passed over her face and she turned away. I muttered that I was sorry again and she swallowed and nodded, looking up at the stars over her bed. For a moment, I imagined that she was thinking the exact same thought that I'd had about love a few moments ago. I squeezed her hand again and she finally looked back at me.
"Are you cold?" I asked quietly.
She shook her head, but shivered involuntarily. I gave her a wry grin and then moved to pull the covers back. I climbed underneath and held my arms out for her. I wasn't sure what I wanted her to do, I just needed her close. She looked over my face and gesture, and then gave me a soft sigh before crawling under the covers. She twisted, so her back faced me, and I wrapped an arm around her, keeping her warm, keeping her safe, and I prayed, not being misleading again.