I felt her body relax into mine and I rubbed her arm, wanting to encourage the comfort that she always gave me.
"Luc?" She twisted her head around to look at me.
"Yeah?"
She bit her lip and I thought she was debating whether or not to ask me something. Finally she whispered, "You talked about the crash tonight. And you've mentioned...bits and pieces before. Do you...do you want to talk about what you remember?"
I tensed up, but made myself not react negatively to her words. Memories rushed through me though. Memories of that night and memories of yelling at the students tonight. Both were equally horrid. I looked down and shook my head. "I'm sorry, Sawyer. I can't. I just can't. It's...too hard."
When I looked up, I could feel my tears, and knew they were close to spilling over this time. She nodded and immediately said, "You don't have to. If you're not ready...you don't have to."
I sighed and felt myself instantly start to relax. Swallowing, I found her hand again and squeezed it. "I'm sorry if I ruined your big night, Sawyer."
She twisted in my arms, her head turning all the way around, so she was directly in front of my face again; her breath lightly hitting me again. "You didn't, not really. I still had fun with you...for most of it anyway." She shrugged and then gave me an apologetic face. Then her eyes flicked down to my chest. "I wanted to show you that school could actually be fun." Her eyes met mine, looking genuinely remorseful. "I feel like I failed."
I smiled at her and shook my head, pulling her tight against me. "I had a good time with you..." I sighed and she twisted around so her back nestled into my chest again. I brought my knees up, so hers curled around me, and lowered my head to rest it against her shoulder. Peace and love and warmth flooded through me and I sighed again. "I had a good time with you, Sawyer...it was everyone else that I had a problem with."
She nodded and clutched my arm, bringing it around, so the back of my hand rested against her heart. We were silent after that, all words momentarily spoken, and then sleep found us and we gave into it.
The sound of music entered my consciousness first; hard, thumping music that reverberated through my chest and ear drums. It was loud, much louder than was needed for the large rectangular room. I looked up at the disco ball suspended from the ceiling, spinning so fast the swirling lights were making me nauseous. I looked down at the popped balloons littering the floor, the floor swarming with people, with what looked like the entire student body. I had no idea why I was back at the gym, back at the dance, and why the crowd of people didn't seem to be dancing. They seemed to be forming a tight circle around two people moving back and forth inside it.
That was when a slight shock went through me. That was when I saw myself between the cracks of bodies. Darren walked up beside me, crossing his arms over his chest and looking at the other me moving around someone else in the circular opening that the student body had left us.
I slightly relaxed, registering a dream in progress. "Hey, man," I said over to him.
The music around us suddenly softened and I clearly heard him when he spoke back to me. "Josh was in fine form tonight." He twisted his lip and shook his head, his dark hair matching the dark mood in his eyes. "I'm going to have some serious words with that kid, next time I see him."
I nodded and looked back at the circle, which I could see did include Josh as well as me. We were apparently engaged in a screaming match, although I couldn't hear it. The sound of the music, while quiet around Darren and me, was blocking out all other noise.
Sammy came up on the other side of Darren, leaning around him to nod politely at me. I nodded back and watched, slightly confused, as she turned her golden brown eyes to watch the show with Darren. I wasn't sure why I was dreaming about this. This was a moment I didn't want to relive.
As I was contemplating trying to change the location, I felt Lillian step up to my side and grab my hand. I stopped my efforts and turned to smile at her, squeezing her small fingers. She gave me a tiny smile in return and turned to watch the show as well.
I glanced between the three of them, not sure why they were so intently watching this, when they knew what had happened - they knew everything in my head. Finally, I turned to look as well, my curiosity mixing with apprehension as I watched an angry version of myself yell at Josh. I hated seeing myself like that. I hated hearing it too, but unfortunately, I had to - the music had suddenly stopped when I'd focused fully on the fighters.
"It's not true! Whatever you think you know, it's not true!"
Josh's angry, scrawny form stepped up to mine in the circle, shoving me back against the wall of eager listeners. The faces watching us held a look of cruel delight; they were eating up my torment. Sawyer was nowhere in sight.
"Everyone knows it, Luc!" He looked over the crowd and they all started nodding and murmuring agreements. He came back to shove a finger in my chest. "Your mom is a whore and screwed you out of trouble! Because you are a no-good, worthless drunk, who slaughtered my best friend!"
My body in the circle paled and cowered, scrunching down among the wall of bodies, looking defeated. I however, was enraged again. I took a step forward, ready to pummel the living hell out of my dream version of Josh, when Darren suddenly put a hand on my shoulder, stopping me.
I looked over at him, but he was still staring at his brother intently. I exhaled slowly and turned to watch as well. The dream version of me sank to my knees, despair appearing to ebb my anger. "I'm sorry...I did kill him. I did get away with it."
Josh stepped up to me, hands clenched at his sides. "So, you admit you're a murderer?"
I watched myself lower my head and then nod. I felt sympathy for that dream version of me, which was an odd thing to feel. I hadn't killed my friends in the manner that Josh was referring...but I had killed them, and I did sort of feel like a murderer. I felt Lillian's grip on my hand tighten.
Josh sneered and looked over the crowd. With a triumphant voice, he boomed, "He admits it! He admits that he killed them ruthlessly, coldly." He looked back to me while the crowd booed their opinion of me. When it quieted down, he spoke lowly, "Well, what do we do with you now?"
The crowd started voicing their options, most cruel and most about wanting revenge. I swallowed as I watched the entire student body, and a large section of the faculty too, try me for my crimes against humanity. Well, three members of it anyway.
Josh listened to the suggestions and then came up with one of his own. "I think we do the only fair thing." He squatted down and lifted my drooping head. My eyes widened, both on me and on the dream version of me, as I watched his hand swing back, a jagged rock the size of a softball enclosed in it.
"Eye for an eye...right, Luc?"
I broke free from my friends and darted to the crowd, trying to worm my way through, once I realized what Josh was going to do. My friends let me go, but it didn't matter. The mass of bodies eagerly thirsting for my blood were impossible to get through. I pulled and struggled and even punched, but it was no use. They were as effective a barrier as concrete.
From over the din, I heard Josh sneer, "You want to die every day? Well, today's your lucky day!"
Through the breaks in people's bodies, I watched in horror as Josh brought that rock around to the side of my head. My dream version of me did nothing, only continued to stare at Josh with pathetically empty eyes. I turned away and closed mine when I heard the sickening connection, the wet thud as my brains were bashed in. The crowd around me erupted into cheers and I sank to my knees, no longer able to stand. I felt my chest heave and my stomach rise, and I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to keep it together.
Then the gym was quiet. Then my three friends were the only bodies left in the room. Sammy and Lillian squatted down on either side of me while Darren stood before me. I looked up at him, wondering if my face now matched my pathetic dream version's face.
He sighed and squatted down, placing a hand on my shoulder. "The dance was awful, Luc."
I swallowed and looked at him and then Sammy and my girlfriend. True, the dance had been bad, but nowhere near what I'd just envisioned. I steadied my breathing as I locked gazes with Lillian. Her hand came up to stroke my cheek and she gave me a sad smile.
I nodded as I held her gaze. "I know. I tried."
"You didn't try hard enough, Luc. You handled that badly."
I looked back up to Darren after he said that. "I handled it the best I could, Darren." I looked back to the empty gym floor behind me, almost expecting to see my blood everywhere. "I handled it better than that."
"Did you?" he asked and I twisted to give him a sour face. He shrugged. "You let them vilify you. You let them pick on you. You let them make you a victim." His eyes flicked over to where Josh had just killed me.
I bristled at that and stood up. "I told them what happened. I told them about that night. Doesn't that count for anything? Isn't that what you all want from me?"
Sammy stood and put a hand on my arm. "It's a start, Luc. But you did that to push people back." She shook her head, her auburn hair flashing red where the lights hit it. "You did that to force people away, not bring them closer."
I shook my head, not understanding. "I spoke...isn't that enough?"
Lillian put her other hand on my other arm, her pale hair a sharp contrast to Sammy's. "No, Luc. You need to stop being defensive and start letting people in. Like Sawyer."
I pulled away and stared at the three of them, irritated and slightly scared. "What is this? Some sort of ethereal intervention?"
The three of them looked between each other and then back to me. There was a solidarity in their silence that unnerved me. Finally Lillian was the one that spoke, and she did it like she was speaking for the group. "Lucas, we're just worried for you. We want you to be healthy and happy...and you're not."
I shook my head and grabbed her hands, holding them up to me. "I'm happy. I'm happy here with you." I looked over at Darren and Sammy. "With all of you."
Darren clapped my shoulder. "But your real life is suffering because of it, Luc. Holding us tight is pushing everyone else away."
I shook my head again, but Sammy spoke before I could argue. "Look at Randy, Luc. You didn't even hear his apology...and I'm sure there are others who want to befriend you, that you don't even see."
Darren took up her speech. "Because you go through every day in a daze, only thinking about how to pass the time, so you can come here again, to be with us."
My mouth dropped open as I stared between the two of them. "So? What's out there that is better than what's in here?" Aside from watching myself get stoned to death, of course.
Lillian's voice was soft in my ear, but struck me to my core. "Sawyer."
My head snapped back to her, my eyes watering. Knowing my physical body was currently spooning with Sawyer, I felt guilt creep through me. "No, Lil. I told her no."
Her answering smile was a sad one. "Exactly, Lucas." One of her hands released mine to come up and touch my face. "You can't push away a chance at real love for the twenty minute encounters you get with me."