Her pale blue eyes watered, but it was mine that finally broke down. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I responded to that. "Those twenty minutes are worth it." I looked over all of them, desperation clear in my face and voice. "You're all worth it. Please..."
They all looked at each other again, Sammy's tears flowing as freely as mine. Darren sniffed and stared at the ground and a soft sob escaped from Lillian. I suddenly got the feeling that this wasn't just another 'Lucas must live' speech. I suddenly got the feeling that they were giving me a goodbye speech. Ice shot through every nerve in my body.
"Don't do this..." My voice was barely a whisper, but they all turned their attentions back to me. "Please," I added, my voice strained with tension.
Sammy stepped up to me, throwing her arms around my chest. "Oh, Lucas. You know how much I love you, right?"
I swallowed and shook my head, momentarily dropping Lil's hand so I could clutch Sammy's arms. "No, please...no."
The tears dripped from her cheeks as she started to lightly sob. "I'm sorry, Lucas. You need to let us go if you're ever going to heal." Her hands grabbed my face. "I love you too much to let you slowly fade away because of us."
She kissed my forehead and I felt the burn of it run through me. I started panicking. "No, please, Sammy. I'll do anything...anything. Just stay..."
She sobbed again, resting her head against mine. "You were the best, Luc...and I want you to be that man again." Then she vanished and I was clutching air.
"No! No, please, Sammy." I tried to mentally bring her back, but nothing was happening. I couldn't control anything.
Darren stepped up to me, his eyes watering as he watched my frantic face search for his disappeared girlfriend. His arms came around me in a hug and I momentarily forgot my horror at Sammy leaving. A new horror struck me.
My mouth dropped open again as I clutched his shoulders. "NO! You can't leave! Not you!" My voice broke. "You're my best friend and best friends don't leave!"
He shook his head, tears finally making it to his cheeks. "I already left you, Lucas." His eyes flicked over the sob filled room, sobs I realized were coming from me. "This isn't real, man."
I clutched at him, trying to physically restrain him from abandoning me. "No...no, I won't let you. You have to stay."
A soft sob escaped him as he ignored my attempts to keep him in place and hung his head. "We should have done this awhile ago. Maybe it would have been easier for you back then." He lifted his head as I vigorously shook mine. "And that's what matters, Luc. You." His hands came up to grasp my face. "You're the only one left. Don't forget that you lived. I love you, Luc."
Feeling him slipping, I started repeating "no" over and over. It didn't matter...he faded right before my eyes. A sob tore through me and I felt a piece of me shatter. Darren had been my best friend since we were five years old. There wasn't a monumental moment in my life that he hadn't either been a part of, or I hadn't told him about, even after his death. I couldn't comprehend a lifetime without seeing his friendly face.
Arms swept around me then and my sobs started coalescing together into one long grief-filled wail. If I couldn't comprehend a life without Darren, then a life without Lillian...
I spun and pulled her to me, determined to make her stay. I needed her. She was my air. I couldn't function without her. I was frantic in my desire to keep her near me, pulling at her clothes and hair and arms. She calmly shushed me and tried to still my body. Her hands came up to my face and she cupped my cheeks, making me stare at her, making me calm down.
When I could breathe more normally, I whispered, "Please, not you...please. Don't leave me..."
She closed her eyes, tears falling. "Luc..."
I shook my head, panic flaring. "No, no, no... I can't do this on my own. It's too hard. I need you, Lillian. I'll change, I'll be better...I'll do anything. Just stay... I need you to stay. I love you. I love you so much."
Her eyes opened and she kissed me softly. "I know you do, Luc, and I love you too. That's why I have to do this. But you won't be alone. You'll wake up, and Sawyer will be in your arms...waiting."
I rubbed my forehead back and forth across hers, not wanting to hear it. "No! I don't want to wake up! I want to stay here with you. Please?"
She shook her head against mine. "And that's exactly why I'm doing this...why I'm not staying."
I pulled back to stare at her, my eyes wide with the pain slicing through me. "But why? We're so close...we've gotten so close." I kissed her over and over, hoping I could convince her just how right this was. "I want you...forever. You're mine. I want to show you. I want to make love to you."
She pushed me back, making me stop. "No...it's not real. It won't help you. You need to be with someone real."
Tears dripped repeatedly from her face and I could tell this was killing her to say these things, but right now, my pain was so incomprehensibly great, that I couldn't even care about hers anymore. "How can you do this to me? You said you'd never break up with me...you lied."
She swallowed, a sob escaping her. "Lucas...don't..."
I gripped her arms roughly, feeling like I had a way to make her stay...even if it was a manipulative one. "No, you promised. You said you'd never leave. You said you'd always stay by my side. And I demand that you keep that promise." My voice broke as I horribly twisted the tender words that she'd spoken over our time together. Twisted them into weapons - weapons designed to hurt, weapons designed to stake her to me with guilt.
She sobbed again as she met my eye. "Oh, Luc, don't..." She shook her head. "Darren's right, we're already gone. I can't break up with you if I'm already gone..."
I shook her arms, knowing that I was probably bruising her. "And yet you are. I'm not breaking up with you! You're the one betraying me!"
A look flashed across her face once I'd said that and I immediately recognized my mistake. I'd misfired my weapon, so to speak, because she wasn't the one that had betrayed the relationship. That had been me. A moment of anger seeped into her features as she knocked my hands away from her arms.
"No, I didn't betray you. I never would. But I can't stay here with you. I won't do that to you...or Sawyer." There was strain in her voice as she spoke, and a clear note of jealousy as she said Sawyer's name again.
The guilt swept through me, taking my momentary strength with it. I engulfed her in an embrace. "I'm sorry...please don't go. Please don't walk away from me. I need you. I need to be with you. Please..."
She stiffened and then relaxed, wrapping her arms around me and threading her fingers in my hair. "I'm sorry too, Lucas. I love you...always, but I can't be this person for you. We can't be together...not while you're still alive."
Then she vanished.
Chapter 20
Fixing a Mistake
I jerked awake, simultaneously gasping for air and begging for Lillian to stay. Silence and darkness answered me as I struggled to reject reality and return to my fantasy, or my nightmare, depending on how you looked at it. Losing all of my friends in rapid-fire succession like that, had ripped a hole straight through me. My chest ached as badly as it had the night of the crash. It was like it was happening again - like I was losing them all again. Only this time, it oddly felt permanent. I knew I'd never see them again.
Panic seized me, and my gasps for breaths turned into a full on attack. I couldn't breathe. I struggled with the physical discomfort of that, but it was nothing compared to the hole tearing open in my chest. That wound was still searing along the edges, like acid had been poured over the top of me, eating me alive.
I twisted and turned in the bed, clutching at anything I could - cool sheets, silky hair, soft skin. I heard a vague voice shushing me and asking what was wrong, but the pounding of blood rushing through my ears was too intense to really pay attention to the voice. Besides, my friend's voices were vibrating through my skull:
"You need to let us go if you're ever going to heal. Don't forget that you lived. I love you...always, but...we can't be together...."
I turned and jerked on the bed while small hands tried to still my shaking body. Unfortunately, Sawyer's bed was smaller than mine, and in my near maniacal twisting I fell right off the edge, landing painfully, face down, on the hard floor. I groaned as what little air I had inside of me was forcefully pushed from my lungs. Taking small breaths when I could, I stayed where I was on the ground.
Sawyer immediately sprinted to my side, her arms encasing me. Her worried face looked me over and then looked upstairs; my fall hadn't exactly been quiet. Her face dropped back to me but I couldn't make out her features anymore. She was blurry, like a mirage, as my eyes filled with unstoppable tears.
"We can't be together..."
I choked and sputtered, trying to sob and speak at the same time. The only words I could understand coming from my mouth were, "don't leave...please...don't leave me..." Sawyer gathered me in her arms, pulling my limp body to my knees and rocking me, quietly reassuring me that she never would. I didn't know how to tell her that I didn't mean her. I didn't know how to tell her that I'd just lost everyone I loved...aside from her.
After what felt like an eternity of embarrassing blubbering, I numbly dropped my head to her shoulder. I felt drained, empty inside. I had nothing left now, nothing to look forward to, just long days of various forms of torture, and endless nights of...nothingness. They were all gone...and I knew I wouldn't be able to call them to me anymore.
"We can't be together..."
Sawyer sat on her knees before me, holding me tight and stroking my back. When she felt my breathing return to some normalcy, she pulled back, her hands drying and cupping my cheeks. Her eyes glistened with sympathetic tears at the look on my face. I imagined that if the look was anywhere near how I felt, then I probably resembled walking death. Well, kneeling death anyway.
Swallowing, she started stroking my cheeks. "Oh, Lucas...I'm so sorry," she whispered.
I scrunched my brows and tilted my head. My grief soaked brain couldn't comprehend what she was possibly sorry for. Interpreting my confused look, she shook her head and said, "You dreamed of the crash again? You dreamed of what you remember?"
I shook my head at her, for once actually wishing that I'd had that dream again. That dream would have been downright cheery compared to the one I'd had - the one that had just altered my future from this moment forward. I found my voice creaking out of me, in answer to her question that wasn't really a question.
"No...she broke up with me. She left me...they all left me." I felt more tears drop from my eyes to splash on Sawyer's fingers. I didn't care. What did I care about embarrassing tears anymore? What day from now on would have anything but embarrassing tears?
In a sort of overwhelmed trance, I watched her mouth fall open. I wondered if she'd feel sympathy for me...or agree with my friend's decision. Good for them for leaving my insane ass. I bristled at the idea of yet another person deciding what the best path for me was - I'd been perfectly happy with my delusional life - and stood awkwardly, before she could respond.