I felt a wonderful tension building and knew I was getting dangerously close. I panicked for a moment, suddenly worried that I'd lose it all over her body. But it was approaching fast, closer and closer with every thrust, and eventually I stopped worrying about it, and heard Sawyer's name pass my lips with a "more" and "yes", followed close behind. My forehead rocked against hers, my breath fast pants that matched hers, as my hands dug into her shoulders.
Just as I felt my stomach clench with the start of my release, her hand let go of me and her other hand stilled my hips. The feeling immediately faded from me and a disappointed whimper escaped my lips before I could stop it.
Her lips came to mine, kissing me softly, bringing me down a little with soothing touches and soft words. Her gentle kisses traveled to my ear, where she very gently said, "It's okay, Lucas. This will be better...I promise." I dropped my head to her neck and moaned softly.
With that, she adjusted her legs wider and guided the head of me, to the entrance of her. As her wet warmness called to me, I ached with the need to plunge deep inside her. I stopped myself though and lifted my head to gaze at the pale, gray eyes looking back at me so lovingly.
"This means everything to me, Sawyer. You mean everything. I love you."
Her eyes misted over as her hand urged me inside of her. I gasped as the tip of me slid in and she pulled her hand away. "I love you too, Luc," she whispered, as she pulled my h*ps to her, sinking me all of the way inside of her with a deep moan.
I was overwhelmed as she took me in, inch-by-inch, until our h*ps rested flush together. She conformed to me, like she was made...just for me. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move. All I could do was lie there and try to absorb the fact that I was within her - we were one.
"Move in me, Lucas."
Her sweet voice awoke me from my over-stimulated state and I inhaled a deep, steadying breath. Slowly, I moved my h*ps back and then equally as slow, forward again. I will never, no matter how many more times in my life that I do this, forget that first thrust. It was electric. It was earth shattering. It was exquisite pleasure, made all the more so because I was experiencing it with her.
It started at the very tip of me and shot all the way back through my body in shuddering waves. I cried out with the ecstasy of it and dropped my head to her shoulder. Her hands came up to cradle me, and our h*ps started a slow, easy rhythm - neither one of us wanting to rush this moment.
I sort of felt like I should be doing something more for her - touching her, kissing her or whispering words of undying love, but I found that all I could do, was keep my head buried in her shoulder, making near whimpering noises as explosive new feelings and sensations rocketed through me. Even though I knew this wasn't her first time, like it was mine, there were enough moans and general sounds of approval passing her lips that I believed, whatever I was doing, was enough for her.
Of their own accord, our h*ps started rocking together faster and my whimpering changed to some sort of uncontrollable groaning. I felt that unbearably wonderful tension building in me again, but stronger than I'd ever felt before. It started somewhere in my abdomen and throbbed outward down the length of me buried deep inside her. The need to relieve that wonderful pressure was so incredibly strong that I grabbed her h*ps and started thrusting in her hard and deep. I gasped at the sensation and muttered incoherent words of "more" and "harder". It was working, the buildup was coming.
As I drove faster into her, her murmurs of pleasure turned into outright cries of ecstasy as she met me thrust for thrust. As I panted with pure need, she threw her head back and cried out my name. I sat up slightly to watch her, her black hair spread out over my white pillows, her chest heaving with her exertion, her pale eyes closed. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. And then I felt it - I felt the walls of her tighten hard around me, squeezing me in the most intense and erotic way. I'm pretty sure an, "Oh my god, Sawyer," fell from my lips before my stomach clenched and I started coming inside her, pulsing repeatedly with an intenseness I'd never felt before.
She gasped and pulled my head tight to her neck while I groaned, as our h*ps slowed to gentle rocking. I tenderly kissed her neck, her cheek, her lips, and then I carefully pulled out of her. Gently, I scooped my arms underneath her, rolling onto my back and bringing her with me. She laid her head on my chest as our hearts slowed in time with our breaths. "God, Lucas...I felt you. I felt you come in me."
I kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tighter. "I felt you too." I pulled back to look at her and she looked up, her gray eyes dancing with happiness. "I love you so much, Sawyer. That was...amazing."
I smiled and she laughed and then kissed me softly. "I know. I told you, you wouldn't disappoint." I chuckled and she ran a finger down my cheek. "I love you too, Lucas...so much." She laid her head back down on my chest, snuggling her legs up close to mine. As a shiver went through us, I brought a blanket around our bare bodies and she burrowed even closer to me. Closing my eyes, I let out a long exhale, reveling in the stillness that I felt.
"Are you okay?" she whispered, breaking our silence.
She looked back up at me, concern in her eyes. I knew what she meant by that question. She wasn't asking if I was physically alright, and, I so was, she was checking on my mental state, just like she always did. I'd just done something with her that I'd always assumed I'd do with Lillian first. She wanted to make sure I was okay with my decision, after the fact. I looked away, looking inside myself. Was I okay? Searching the bits and pieces of my heart and head, all I could find in me was happiness though. Happiness, and a calm depth of peace that I'd thought was lost forever to me.
I turned back to her and kissed her forehead. "Yeah, I'm great."
She sighed happily, placing light kisses along my chest. I smiled wider with each pass of her lips over my skin. I felt like I could stay here, nak*d in my bed with her, for days. I hated that we'd eventually have to separate. She lifted her body up and kissed my jaw before propping her elbows on top of my chest and settling her head into her hands. My hands instinctively cradled her waist, holding her against my body.
As she dropped one of her hands to lightly stroke my cheek, the scar on her other wrist was exposed. My eyes locked onto it, hating what she'd done to herself, remembering what I'd nearly done to myself.
She noticed my gaze and spoke softly, "Did you know...that I didn't fail in killing myself?" My eyes went back to hers, surprised and terrified. Her eyes flicked between mine as her hand on my cheek twisted, so her knuckles brushed my skin. Her eyes went to the scar I knew was visible on the wrist I couldn't see. "I succeeded at my attempt. I died at the hospital."
My hand came up from her hip to grab the fingers caressing my face. I kissed the knuckles, holding them to my lips as I swallowed the horrid knot in my stomach. I couldn't imagine her gone. A soft smile lit her lips as her hand clenched mine, her beautiful gray eyes on our fingers. "For a full minute, I was dead. But somehow, somehow they brought me back." Her eyes shifted back to mine and she gave me a pointed look. "And there is nothing quite like death, to make you reevaluate your life. "She cocked her head to the side, her curtain of black hair brushing over my bare skin. "And I think you get that."
I pulled her hand away from my lips and twisted it around so I could fully see her scar. I grabbed her other wrist and brought it around to where I could see both of them in my vision together. Her hands tensed, as she seemed a little reluctant to let me examine them so closely, but of course, she let me. We had no secrets anymore. I placed light kisses along each one, feeling the difference in the texture of her skin, where she'd tried to sever herself from this world. I was so grateful she hadn't been allowed to give up.
"I'm glad you came back," I whispered.
Her hands twisted in mine to reach up and grab my cheeks. Her eyes glassed over with moisture while she looked over my face. Hers took on that expression that was so beyond her years, and I instantly remembered every wise word I'd ever heard her say to me. I understood so much better now, how she'd come to earn that wisdom.
She leaned down, placing a light kiss on my lips. "I'm glad you came back too."
Chapter 24
Graduation
Spring started stretching out into longer, warmer and sunnier days, a hint at the promise of summer approaching. It energized the student body, creating havoc for the teachers, who had the difficult job of trying to wrangle all that energy. I felt both an eagerness and a resistance for summer to arrive.
I felt eager to get away from the confines of assignments, tests and homework, and to relax for a few months before starting college. Sawyer and I had applied together to different colleges and universities. We'd both received acceptance to Oregon State, so we'd decided to go there. It really was a no brainer for me. I was going wherever Sawyer went. We weren't going to do the long distance relationship thing, because I wasn't letting her get more than a few yards from me, a mile at the most.
Sawyer's parents had surprised her by admitting that they'd invested in an education fund since she was a baby. Even though times had been hard for their family when they'd left everything and moved, they hadn't touched the fund, not wanting to steal Sawyer's chance at a promising future. As they had both gotten jobs in the meantime and were doing quite well now, things were really starting to look better for the Smith family.
Being a struggling single mom, my mom hadn't been able to plan for my education quite like that, but Coach had some influence with the coach there (who apparently was his brother-in-law or something) and I was allowed to try out for the football team. Even though I hadn't played at all this year, I did well enough, that I was offered a partial scholarship and a position on the team. I'd be second or maybe even third string, but I thought that wasn't too shabby for a freshman who'd taken some much needed time off from the game.
Sawyer rolled her eyes that she was seriously going to be dating a college football jock. I laughed and told her she already had the prerequisite boyfriend's letterman's jacket. Of course, that was a high school one. I jokingly told her I'd get her an Oregon State one, with my name in garishly large letters across the back.
She'd started tickling me then, and I'd retaliated by playfully tackling her. One thing led to another, and by the end of our play fight, we had collapsed in my bed, nak*d and breathless, hearts racing and bodies spent...and deliriously happy. She'd finally conceded that dating a college quarterback may not be so bad, even if he was only second string.
Those were all the things I was looking forward to. What had my stomach twisted into painful knots, was the upcoming anniversary of my friend's deaths. I nearly felt it approaching me as the school year started closing. Their deaths had happened not long after school ended last year. Because of the differences in days off and a couple school closures in January, the anniversary was going to fall exactly on graduation night. It sort of felt symbolic and appropriate...and it sort of sucked.
The circle of close friends that I'd managed to surround myself with by the end of the year, were all understanding and supportive of what the upcoming day meant for me. Randy and Sally, who had started dating after going to a Safe and Sound club dance together, had been especially sympathetic. In a way, it was just as hard for them, my friends weren't only my friends after all, but I don't think they fully understood my apprehension.