It had been months since I'd seen any sort of vision of my friends. The dreams had stopped once my friends had painfully said goodbye to me the night of the dance, but I'd continued having visions of memories around places that we'd been together: Darren and I at the river, Sammy and I playing video games while Darren napped on my couch, and Lillian. There were so many memories of her, that for awhile, they'd nearly assaulted me at every turn.
Sawyer helped me through the painful ones and I struggled through the happy ones. A part of me was having a hard time leaving this town for that very reason. The memories, although sometimes painful, were all I had left of them. When I changed towns, there'd be nothing to remind me of them. I'd lose that too. But...I suppose that was just a part of letting go.
And I wouldn't have to give up every reminder. Surprisingly enough, Josh had called me. He'd been a crying, blubbery mess, and I'd rushed over to his house to check on him. I'd actually driven my mom's car over there, which was saying a lot about how worried I was for him. While I'd driven a couple times since stealing Sawyer's car that day, it was still something that made me edgy, and I generally tried to avoid being behind the wheel.
But Josh had needed me and I'd dropped everything to help him. Being in the house again had hurt and I had a sudden appreciation of just how hard it was for Josh. Everything in there was the same - every picture frame, every childhood keepsake, and every accolade Darren had ever won. It was all in the same spot they'd been in while he was alive. And his room, right across from Josh's, was exactly the same, nearly a shrine of his life. It had even still smelled like Darren when I entered the room and found Josh sobbing on the floor.
We'd talked for hours. It had been the most he'd said to me since Darren had died. He confessed how much he'd hated me, simply because he'd needed someone to hate. It hurt too much to miss Darren with no one but fate to blame. He hadn't understood that at the time, truly believing that I'd been careless and gotten behind the wheel drunk, with friends who'd been reluctant to join me.
Apparently, Brittany had been very convincing when he'd talked to her at his brother's funeral. I cringed that she'd taken that painful moment to twist Josh against me. She really was a manipulative, vindictive little bitch. He'd told me that he'd heard about the sheriff and my mom while listening to some waitresses talk at the diner, and had figured Brittany's story of witnessing me drinking at the party was true, and my connections had let me get away with killing them all.
I assured him it wasn't like that and he said he knew that now. That Mrs. Ryans was helping him see that he'd been transferring his grief into anger and using the swirling gossip to fuel it. But it was all just a distraction, so he wouldn't have to deal. Now that he had to deal, he was struggling with it.
I told him that I struggled too, but we could lean on each other. He'd agreed and we'd started meeting up after that. It brought me comfort that I could maybe mend the rift between Darren's family and myself. His parents were still distant from me, neither condemning nor supporting, but I felt like I could somewhat reconnect with his little brother, and that brightened my spirits considerably.
Mom was equally eager and resistant to see me go. A part of her didn't want to let her baby out of her sight, especially with the tumultuous last year that I'd had. I think it was only the fact that I was leaving with Sawyer that made her okay with it. Those two had bonded in a way that almost overshadowed how my mom had bonded with Lillian. Sawyer saved my life. Sawyer was practically a godsend to my mom. And to me too.
But Mom was also nearly giddy for me to leave. That fact was mainly because she was preparing to move in with her boyfriend. A few weeks ago, his wife's health had taken a turn for the worst. He had stayed with her at the hospital, right up until the very end, offering the friendly comfort and companionship that a lifetime of marriage had afforded them. It was bittersweet for me, maybe for Mom too. She'd finally get to have the relationship she'd wanted with him for years, but at a heavy price.
The sheriff had been understandably sad after his wife's passing, plagued with guilt and remorse and an underlying joy that he could move forward with my mom now, or so he confessed to me one night as we sat together on my couch, watching a baseball game. During that conversation, he confessed that he'd decided to not charge me with anything that fateful night, partly because of my mom; he didn't want her hating him. Then he'd turned on his cushion and given me a hard, steely look.
"But more than that, Lucas...I didn't want to punish you farther." He looked away from me and his voice softened. "When I told you at the hospital that they were gone...when you completely lost it...that's when I decided to not charge you with anything."
My mouth had dropped open at that and I'd tried to respond with something coherent, but couldn't. He looked back at my floundering face and then nodded, a small smile on his lips. "So, don't blame your mom for that. It was me." He sighed heavily and dropped his head. "There was nothing I could legally do, to punish you any more viciously than how you'd already been punished." He looked up and I swallowed and nodded. His brow furrowed and he twisted his lips. "I'm sorry if that decision caused you more problems. I understand that some people were upset that you didn't get in trouble?"
I hung my head and sighed. "Yeah...some."
His hand came up to my shoulder and I looked back at him, at this stern but caring man who would probably be my stepfather one day. "I am sorry for that, Lucas. I was trying to make things better for you. I guess I didn't."
I stared at him for several seconds before answering. "You did help. I don't think I could have dealt with anything...more than what I had to." I shrugged. "So, thank you."
He nodded, his eyes just slightly wetter than usual. With a chuckle, he slung his arm over my shoulder and pulled me into a quick side hug. My mom came across us like that and I thought she was going to start bawling right on the spot. She had desperately wanted her boys to be friends and couldn't be more thrilled at seeing it start to happen.
And it was, in a way. Being around him still brought that horrid accident to my mind, but the longer I spent with him, the more new memories started forming over those painful ones. I'd never forget my friends, or that night, but I felt positive that memories of my mom snuggling with him on the couch, the sheriff and I tossing a ball in the backyard, and all of us laughing together over the antics of the local town crazy, who had wandered down main street buck-naked (and, I was really glad to not have turned into that sort of nut job), made me begin to believe that we could be a family together, a happy one even.
So with excitement and trepidation, I got ready to graduate from this small school of mine. Walking down the halls on my last official day there, I couldn't help the tears that sprang to my eyes. I thankfully didn't start crying as I went about my last day, but it did affect me. I was tied to this school in a more emotional way than I'd realized on my first day back from the crash. This school was such a big part of the friendships and loves that I'd formed. A part of me struggled with letting that go.
"You alright?" Sawyer asked as she reached down and clasped my hand with hers, letting our fingers weave together, as she preferred. Her hair was pulled into adorably cute pigtails, the same way she'd styled it on our first day together.
I smiled softly at her question as we walked to the cafeteria, on our way to have lunch with Randy and Sally, who were giving each other light pecks of affection as they walked in front of us. I watched the large linebacker and the plump, frizzy-haired girl who'd stolen his heart and my smile widened. Life could certainly surprise you sometimes. I'd never have pictured those two together at the beginning of the year. Looking down at the gray-eyed angel gazing up at me with open adoration, reconfirmed those thoughts. I'd never have believed on that first day, that I could feel the way I did when I looked at her, when I made love to her. I'd never have imagined that feelings that strong were even possible, outside of sappy romance novels.
Leaning down to brush her lips with mine, I smiled against her mouth. "I'm wonderful." My free hand reached up to stroke one of the long tails of her hair and I had a brief 'school girl' fantasy flash through my head as I pulled away. My smile widened. She looked doubtful though as she searched my eyes, and I sighed contently and shook my head at her boundless concern.
My eyes flicked over the loud, boisterous cafeteria as we entered it. Some of the students looked up when I entered, some smiled and shot me a wave. Some looked at me blankly for a moment before returning to their conversations. Josh met my gaze while I waited in line with Sawyer, deciding to splurge on our last day with some hot food that I'd heard was nearly edible and vaguely resembled pizza. He gave me a polite nod before he went back to what looked like an argument with the girlfriend he always seemed to be in a tiff with.
Some of the students snacking on their midday meals had spilled out into the warm air of the sunny, near-summer day and we decided to join them, picking a vacant spot under a shady tree. Even though Sawyer and I were dressed in typical summer garb, shorts and light t-shirts, her shirt was still long-sleeved, and she still played with those sleeves on occasion, stretching out the fabric with her habit. I knew now why she dressed that way, and as we held hands while sitting in the grass, my thumb came up to sweep the scar at her wrist. She didn't flinch anymore when I did that, completely comfortable now with me exploring her body. Besides, I think she understood that I did that as a silent thanks to the Heavens for keeping her here...for me.
My eyes drifted over the familiar buildings and memories of my friends assaulted me. I drew them to me, absorbing them, never wanting to forget a moment that I'd spent here with them. I felt a chin rest on my shoulder and I pulled out of my thoughts to gaze down at Sawyer sitting close by my side.
"You sure you're okay? You seem a little...down." She kissed my shoulder and then rested her cheek upon it.
I kissed her forehead and allowed myself a sad smile. "I guess I'm just...reminiscing."
She lifted her head and held my gaze. "About Lillian." She said it calmly, but I knew enough about her to know that a trace of sadness was there, buried deep under the surface. She knew that what she and I had, went way beyond what Lil and I had ever shared together, but she also knew that Lil would never leave my heart. Unlike an ex that I had simply drifted apart from, Lil had died, and in the middle of our love affair. And a part of me, a miniscule part of me, would always be in love with her.
I kissed her head again and shook mine. "No, not just Lil." My eyes swept over the campus again. "All of them. I feel like once I leave here...I'm leaving them all behind, for good."
Her hand came up to touch my cheek and I looked back at her. I blinked when I realized my vision was watery and I couldn't see her clearly. Great. Guess I was going to start crying today. She brushed one tear that had managed to escape away before our lunch mates saw it. Her gaze softened as she watched the emotions slide across my face.
She nodded and looked thoughtful for a moment. "Do you want to talk about it?" Her eyes swept over the campus before returning to mine. "It will help you to remember, if you say it out loud."