I ran until it was so dark I couldn’t even see where to put my feet. I fell a bunch of times, but I got up and kept going. My hands were scraped raw, as were my knees.
I was punishing myself, I knew, but that didn’t mean I was going to stop doing it. I’d just do it without drugs and sex this time.
***
The only way I could push Charlotte out of my life was to fill it with other things, like playing the banjo and running and reading.
I pulled out the camera Miss Carole had gotten me that had been neglected in a drawer and started taking pictures on my runs. I visited the farm and took some of the horses. I didn’t encounter the woman who’d chased me off the first time, but I mostly went to the farm late or early, when fewer people were around.
I filled my life as much as I could, but the other things couldn’t squeeze her out. I saw her a few times, but only at a distance. I’d thought about sending her a note, or something like that to make it final, but I didn’t. I’d accidentally made eye contact with her in class once, and she’d broken it as fast as she could, and that was all the good-bye I needed. I caught her brother looking at me, and it wasn’t with pure hatred. It was almost pity, but that didn’t make any sense.
“You shouldn’t back down,” Stryker said during one of our banjo sessions. He had a habit of starting random conversations with me while we were playing. He was on his banjo and I was on an extra one he’d bought. He claimed it wasn’t specifically for me, that he’d gotten a good deal on it, but I didn’t believe him. It was a pity banjo.
“I can’t put her through any more. It’s not fair to her,” I said, struggling with our current song. He was convinced I could play ‘I Will Wait’ by Mumford and Sons, but I thought he was insane.
“Then you’ve got to decide if potentially hurting her is worth getting laid.”
“You know I don’t want her for that.”
“I know. You love her. In a deep once-in-a-lifetime kind of way. A first love. Maybe an only love.”
I kept my mouth shut because he was right.
“You ever felt like that?” I asked.
He shifted the banjo on his lap. “Not yet. I’ve been looking for the right girl. Haven’t found her yet. Hasn’t stopped me from trying a few out to see if they fit.” He gave me a grin.
“How is that working out for you?”
He plucked out a tune. “I’ve had to return all of them so far. Haven’t found the right fit yet. Trying them on is part of the fun, though.”
Chapter Twenty-seven
Lottie
With some mental gasoline, I set the Zan Parker box on fire and watched it burn, then swept the ashes out of my mind. I added some bleach for good measure.
I wasn’t going to think about him, talk about him or even acknowledge his existence for the rest of my life.
Will told me I was crazy. Simon shook his head in disappointment. Trish said I was fighting the inevitable. Audrey said I should give him a chance. Katie didn’t say anything. Mom suggested Mockingbird, but that reminded me of him, so I asked her for another suggestion, and I got Pride and Prejudice. How my mother knew it was a problem with a boy was one of those mysteries about moms that kids had been trying to solve for hundreds of years.
They all seemed to want to talk about it, and it wasn’t until I went ballistic during a study session with Will, Audrey and Simon that they decided to drop it.
I called Mrs. Davis every day to get updates on Lexie, and she was making progress. They upped her medication and effectively turned her into a doped-up robot. At least she couldn’t hurt herself.
The days turned into weeks, and Halloween was upon us.
I’d been hard at work on my Jane Austen costume, staying up late until my eyes were burning so I could get the damn thing sewed. Trish thought I was insane to hand-sew it. She had a really nice machine in her apartment and was working on her own costume, an absolutely sick Mad Hatter outfit that she was hoping to win a costume contest with.
“So Zack and I are going to the Kappa Sigma party, and you can come, if you want,” Katie said a week before Halloween. Will, Simon and I had just planned on going to the campus party, which would be lame, but none of us had an in on any of the “cool” parties.
“I think I’ll pass.”
“Are you sure? It should be a good time.”
“My costume isn’t really frat party couture.” It covered most of my body, but at least had a little cl**vage going on. I’d bought a non-period appropriate bra to go with it because I didn’t have the time to make a corset and I couldn’t afford to buy one.
Katie smiled in a way I’d come to dread. It meant she was plotting something. I’d come to know her better, and this was my least favorite of her faces.
“Well, I just may have a solution to that problem.” She dashed back to her closet and came back with a box.
“I may or may not have bought you a little something.”
“What for?”
She laughed.
“For putting up with me. For not kicking me out. Maybe for that night that I ended up kicking you out. I’m still sorry about that.”
We’d had an awkward conversation afterward, and Katie had agreed to take her carnal activities with Zack elsewhere. She also agreed not to drink that much again, but I wasn’t sure if she’d be able to keep that promise, especially considering we were considering going to a frat party.
“Go on, it won’t bite.” I opened the box and pushed back some tissue paper to find something silky and red. I crossed my fingers, hoping it wasn’t lingerie. I pulled it out and found a fire engine red 1940s style form-hugging, wide-strapped dress.
“I thought it could be part of your new wardrobe.” She’d been subtly sending me hints about the supposed makeover, including sending me emails with pictures and buy links for things she thought I should get.
“It’s gorgeous,” I said, because it was. Silky and sexy and made for someone who wasn’t me. “There’s no way I can wear this.”
“Why not? It’s just a dress, Lot.” Katie had glommed onto the nickname of my nickname. “Will you at least try it on?”
“How much did you pay for it?”
“I got in on sale. Will you please just try it on?”
“Fine, fine.” I started to take my jeans off, but Katie stopped me.
“Wait, I want to get the full effect of the before and after.” Katie turned her back and I slipped the dress on, after taking off my T-shirt and jeans. I wasn’t wearing the right underwear with it. This thing was going to require a thong and a strapless bra.
The zipper was on the side, so I was able to do it myself.
I smoothed down the rich red fabric and told Katie she could turn around. She didn’t say anything at first.
“How bad is it?” She was blocking the mirror.
“Turn,” she said, twirling her finger, and cocking her head to the side, as if I was a mannequin she was studying.
I turned slow so she could check out the full effect.
“Come here,” she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the full-length mirror that was propped in her closet.
“I think the two words to describe this look are ‘hot’ and ‘damn.’ You look amazing.”
I turned to the side and back. Somehow the dress had pulled in at my waist, giving me an hourglass figure, and making my somewhat hippy body look proportional. It also made my boobs look much boobier than they really were. Stopping just short of my knees, it made the rest of my legs look longer than they really were, too.
“This is a magical dress,” I said.
“If you didn’t have the raw material, it wouldn’t work. I also had your measurements, so I could fit it right. They were written in your sewing notebook.” I had them written down in a little book I took with me when I shopped for patterns so I could always buy the right one. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”
I checked out how flat my stomach was and tried to be pissed. I didn’t try very hard.
“So will you wear it and come?” I couldn’t really accept the dress without having a place to wear it. Maybe a frat party wouldn’t be so bad. I’d have to bring someone else. Maybe Will or Simon, or even Trish. Someone as a buffer. Someone I could escape with if I had to.
“As long as I get to bring someone.”
She played with the straps, adjusting them so they sat perfectly on my shoulders. “Zan isn’t coming, if that’s what you’re worried about. I know I’m not supposed to mention his name, but I just wanted you to know he won’t be there. In case you were worried.”
I hadn’t considered it until she mentioned his name. I’d been that good at keeping him out of my brain.
“So now I’m not going to talk about him, but how damn gorgeous you look. Would you let me do your makeup? I have red lipstick that would look amazing, and we can do a smoky eye –” I cut her off before she could go much further.
“Sure, why not? I just have one question. Who am I supposed to be?”
She grinned again, as if she’d been waiting for me to ask. “I was thinking you could either get some white gloves and do Jessica Rabbit, or be really daring and do Marilyn. You’ve got the hair and the skin to do Marilyn, you bitch.” The last part was said in a playful tone.
“Are you kidding? I’d kill for your skin tone. Or at least severely injure someone.”
“I’d kill for your figure in that dress.”
I just gave her a look.
“Thanks for the dress,” I said. “Really.”
“You’re so totally welcome. I meant what I said about the makeover. Anytime, anywhere and you’re on. I’ll have to practice with your hair before Halloween so we get it right.” She started messing with my hair and twisting it around her fingers and talking about curlers and mousse and such. I just let her.
I’d become a human Barbie doll.
“Okay, take it off. We don’t want anything to happen to it.”
I slid the dress off, and pulled my regular clothes back on while Katie wrapped the dress back up in the garment bag and put it on a hanger in my closet.
“What are you going as?”
“Zack and I are doing this whole vintage gangster thing. It’s really an excuse to get him to wear a fedora. I love guys who wear hats.”
Talking about guys in hats made me think of him and his newsboy cap.
Katie interrupted my thoughts. “We’re doing dinner tonight, yes? Zack’s got this training thing he has to go to.”
“As far as I know.” Katie had joined our dinner crowd, when she wasn’t with Zack. I wanted to ask why she didn’t eat with her friends, but it seemed like a touchy subject. I’d seen less and less of them lately, and her pictures had been gradually disappearing from her wall.
Katie and I walked down to get Will and Simon. He’d abandoned his initial attraction to her after she said she’d never seen Star Wars, so they’d turned into sort-of friends.
I ignored the door beside Will’s. It was so odd that I’d bumped into him so much those first few weeks, but I’d barely seen him since. Except in class, which we couldn’t help. He tried to sit as far from Will and me as possible, but sometimes the only seat was a few rows away. He kept his eyes to himself and didn’t even glance over.