“Sure. Thanks.”
I made both of us some tea as she paced the room some more.
“Do you listen to anything modern?” she asked, looking at some of my new photos.
“Sometimes,” I said as the microwave dinged. “Cream and honey?”
“Yes, both.”
I handed her a mug and she blew on it before taking a sip. She couldn’t really pace with a mug of hot liquid, so I pulled out my desk chair for her and sat on my bed.
“This is good, thank you.” She seemed surprised. “Most guys think tea is lame or g*y or something.”
I smiled. “I think most males in Britain would have a problem with that.”
“True.”
We both sipped as I waited for her to say something. I knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with the silence for long. Her eyes perused my wall, which had changed since she was here the last time.
“Did you take those?” She nodded at some of the recent pictures I’d taken of the horses at the farm.
“I had to find a way to keep you out of my head.” I wanted to pull the words back, but they were already out. “I’m sorry. That came out sounding a lot creepier than I intended.” She laughed nervously and I finished my tea.
“What else do you do? For hobbies.”
“Terrorize pretty girls like you.” She snapped around to see if I was serious. A beat of silence passed. “I run.”
“I never pegged you for the running type.”
“That was what I was doing, when I nearly took you out that time. Is your ankle okay?”
“Yeah, it’s fine.” She finished her tea, and that looked like it was going to be the end of it.
“So what do you do for hobbies?”
One corner of her mouth lifted in a half-smile. “Annoy handsome guys like you.”
It was my turn to be shocked. She giggled at my expression and handed the mug back to me.
“Maybe we could do something sometime. I know that sounds vague.”
“You’d go somewhere with me?”
She moved toward the door. “As long as I can drive.”
“I don’t drive anyway. I never got my license.”
Stopping, she turned. “You didn’t?”
“I couldn’t really get behind the wheel after all that, and Zack is always around to give me a ride.”
“Huh.”
“Does that surprise you?”
“Not now that I think about it, actually it does.” She sat on the floor and crossed her legs. Maybe she wasn’t going anywhere.
“Sorry I brought up the driving,” she said.
“It’s okay. It’s not like I can avoid it.”
“True.” She drew a circle on the rug with her finger. “I don’t hate you, by the way. I used to, but I don’t think I can. Not now that I know you.”
I wanted to kiss her right then, but I made myself stay still.
“I tried, and I couldn’t. Then I tried blaming myself for letting it happen, and that sucked. I thought Will was going to have to beat some sense into me.”
I wanted to do the same. How dare she take on any of the blame?
“I should have done more, that night. So she didn’t get in the truck. If I could have convinced her, it wouldn’t have happened, and I’d still have her the way she was.”
“You’re smarter than that, Charlotte. Falling into that trap is too easy for someone like you.”
She traced some more circles, turning them into loops, like the infinity symbol.
“It was easier to blame myself than to say that it was an accident that I had no control over. Losing control is one of the scariest things. That’s why people are afraid of the dark. Or death. They’re afraid of not being in control.”
She looked up from the rug to see what I thought. This was one of those times when I couldn’t find the right words.
“You’re right.” Simple, but true. She looked back down, and I realized I should have said more. The silence lengthened and then it was too late.
“Sorry to be such a downer,” she said.
“It doesn’t bother me. I’m sorry I’m not better at conversation.”
“I talk enough for two people.”
“Maybe I could borrow some of your words, and then we’d be even.”
She laughed softly.
“Deal.”
All the things I wanted to say to her, to have her know, clamored around my brain, begging for me to let them out.
“I should probably go. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming down here. Katie probably thinks I drowned in the bathroom sink.” She started to get up.
“Wait.” Her eyes locked with mine. “There are a lot of things I want to say to you, but I’m afraid if I say them that you’ll go away again, and I don’t want that.”
“I say things I should be afraid to say all the time. You didn’t seem afraid that night by the football field.”
“That was before I knew what it was like to lose you.”
“In all fairness, you never really had me.” Her words should have hurt, but they were true, and I knew it. “Just spit it out Zan. If I haven’t left already, given what’s happened, I’m pretty sure I won’t.” Even she seemed shocked by the last part. “That’s not because I like you, or anything. It’s just—shit.”
Her face went a brilliant shade of red and she looked so flustered I couldn’t help but laugh.
“You are not laughing at me.”
I pressed my lips together and tried not to, but I couldn’t help it.
“Stop laughing,” she said, starting to laugh herself. She leaned down and smacked me in the shoulder. “Jerk.”
I grabbed her arm and pulled her down next to me. She made a little sound of surprise, but didn’t stop me.
“This is what I want to tell you.”
I clasped her face between my hands and let myself sink into the depths of her eyes. She was frozen, probably with shock, but at least she wasn’t struggling. I would have let her go if she did.
“‘I want to see you.
Know your voice.
Recognize you when you
first come 'round the corner.
Sense your scent when I come
into a room you've just left.
Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.
Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.
I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
‘more’’”
The words, memorized this summer came to my lips. They were better than any I could come up with.
She reached her hand up and stroked my hand on her face, and looked away from my eyes.
“I guess I asked for it,” she said, closing her eyes. “Why can’t you be someone else?”
“I’ve asked myself the same thing every single day.” I moved my hands, tracing her face, her nose, her ears. She had such sweet ears.
“Why can’t you be someone else?” She opened her eyes and gripped my arms, but she didn’t try to pull them away from her face.
Biting her bottom lip, I watched her struggle. I knew I wasn’t the only conflicted one.
“I swear to God, if I kiss you, and something bad happens, that’s it. And not something like a papercut or getting my period early. Something like falling down the stairs, or getting robbed. Anything happening to Lexie. Got it?”
“If the sky starts to fall, I’ll catch it for you, pretty girl.” I moved my face an inch closer, so I could feel her every exhale on my skin.
“Why do you have to say things like that and make this so hard? If you were just an a**hole like your brother, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
“I could be an a**hole if you want me to.” I moved again, and we were so close that her face blurred in my vision.
“That would make things a lot easier.”
Neither of us could fight the last millimeter of space that separated our lips.
It was even better than the first time, if that was possible. This time she knew it was coming, and wanted it. Probably not as much as I did, but still. It took two people to make a kiss happen. I started to move my head, and she went in the same direction and our noses crashed, causing both of us to pull apart and try again.
“Sorry,” she said to my mouth.
“Okay,” I said back.
We tried again, and I let her decide where she was going to go. Fuck, her lips were soft and clean. I’d drowned far too much in sticky gloss in my lifetime. Lips didn’t need lube.
Her hands reached for me, fisting in my shirt and pulling me closer. We were sort of smashed sideways against the wall, so I turned, and let her lie back, keeping myself propped on my arms so I wasn’t lying on top of her. I didn’t think I could deal with that much body contact without losing it and embarrassing myself.
And then her hands wrapped around my back and she pressed her body upward, begging me.
“Charlotte,” I said before I slid my tongue into her mouth. Her only response was a throaty moan that had replaced her saying my name as my favorite sound in the entire world.
If she was any other girl, I would have had her clothes off and would be f**king her by now.
I never wanted to f**k Charlotte. Well, not unless she let me.
All those other girls, I lost myself in them. Forgot who I was. Forgot Zan Parker and all the mistakes he’d made and what everyone thought about him, and how shitty my life had gotten.
I wanted to find myself with her.
I pulled away from her lips and kissed her nose.
“Let the sky fall,” I said. “It’s worth it for something like that.”
She brushed my lips with her fingers.
“Regrets?” I said.
She shook her head.
“I’ve never seen you mute before.”
“It’s rare,” she said, tracing the outline of my lips with her forefinger. I kept just enough space between our bodies that she couldn’t feel my hard-on. It was pretty obvious, but I didn’t want her to think that I was pushing her. We’d only talked about kissing. I was also almost positive she was a virgin.
“I’m not hav**g s*x with you,” she said.
“I don’t expect you to.”
She raised both eyebrows.
“I would never, ever push you to do something you didn’t want to. If sex was what I wanted, I could find it somewhere else.”
She swallowed before she asked. “Do you?”
“I used to.”
Her hands moved up and down my arms. “Oh.”
“Does that shock you?”
“I don’t know. My brain is not exactly in top thinking form right now.” She smiled and I relaxed a little.
“Do you think that this could happen again?” I said.
“I’ll have to ask my Magic 8 Ball, but my sources say… Maybe. I don’t know, Zan.”
“Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”
She licked her lips. “Be someone else?”
“I could be someone else. Who do you want me to be?”
“Can I call you Alex?”