I was gazing into her wide eyes. I wanted to explain to her that I was different then my brother. I just wanted her to understand that there was hope.
"It's different for us. Emmet... these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as... practiced, as careful, as he is now."
I watched her expressions. She was in deep thought. She bit at her lower lip and instantly I wondered what her lower lip would taste like. She broke through my fantasy before it got out of control, "So if we'd met... oh, in a dark alley or something..." she left the sentence hanging.
I answered without thinking, "It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and - " I realized I was about to tell her that I thought about snapping all of their necks and saving her for last so I could enjoy her warm blood alone. I decided to leave some details out, "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."
I paused, looking into the trees. A scowl ever present on my face by the choice of our topic. I glanced at her and I could see that she was remembering that first meeting, too.
"You must have thought I was possessed," I said grimly.
"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly..." she trailed off.
"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin... I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow..." the memory bit at my cold heart.
Bella's lips had parted then, a little gasp of horror etched into her skin.
"You would have come," I told her.
And she would have. The way Bella flocks towards danger, it would have been very easy. I remembered how I had planned to take her as soon as I got her by myself and grimaced internally.
"Without a doubt," she replied
I removed my eyes from her face then, and frowned down at our hands. I was remembering that first day, "And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there - in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there - so easily dealt with."
I felt her tremble and was immediately concerned that I had said too much. Her eyes were blank, like she was remembering something awful, and she trembled again. I was instantly angry with myself for ever making her feel that way. My behavior that first day was something I have tried to forget, but my mind is not like a human's, I retain every last detail of every moment. She didn't speak.
"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home - I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong - and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving." I explained to her.
Of all the things I did that day after I had inhaled the most delicious blood ever, fleeing was the only one I was satisfied with. If I hadn't, surely she would be dead - my eyes crimson. I continued my story,
"I traded cars with him - he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary... By the next morning I was in Alaska," chagrin was etched in my face. I know it was weak to run away, but what else could I have done?
Bella sat there, frozen, enveloped in my story. I continued, "I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances... but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl" - I smiled at the fact that I ever thought her insignificant because she was the most significant thing in my world, "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back..." I peered into the forest then, remembering how my family surrounded me my first day back at school, afraid I'd still kill her.
Bella was speechless. Her fingers were still slowly moving up and down my arm. Telling her this story now, I suddenly felt free. I wanted to explain this to her since the first time I came back to school, to explain the reasons for loathing her so much that first day. I wanted Bella to be acquainted with everything about me. I continued, "I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human, I was arrogant about it."
"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind... her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating," I frowned, trying once more to make my mind explore hers with no luck.
"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions... and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair and the scent would stun me again... Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment - because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her.'"