I closed my eyes then, remembering that fateful day; the van rushing towards her, me running to save her. I remembered how I was very afraid I had hurt her... and I remember it was the first time I had held her in my arms, securely to my chest. I was craving to hold her to me again. Bella pulled me from my distraction, "In the hospital?" she asked.
My eyes met hers then, "I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power - you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." I felt a jolt of pain at the thought, and I felt Bella shiver too, "But it had the opposite effect," I told her quickly, trying to reassure her, "I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time... the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice," of course, Alice was thinking I would turn her.
I frowned at the thought but continued, "Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." I tried to shake the uneasiness I was feeling, because the only way I would stay, was to stop seeing her, and I knew that there was nothing that would prevent me from seeing her, now. The pain I would endure if I were to leave her was inconceivable.
"All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair... it hit me as hard as the very first day." My eyes found hers then.
My lungs took in the air around us, and the scent was the most delicious fragrant. I took in one more gulp of air and continued, hoping I hadn't scared her off, "And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all that first moment, than if now, here - with no witnesses and nothing to stop me - I were to hurt you."
I was still irritated at the fact that she hadn't told a single soul that she was spending the day with me.
"Why?" she asked.
I didn't understand why she had to ask, didn't she know that it would cause me physical pain to hurt her now, that I loved her more than my own existence?
"Isabella." I said, letting her know that I was being nothing but serious by saying her full name. I stared into her eyes then, and my hand came up and I carefully ruffled her hair with my free hand. The current of electricity was now going in one hand and out the other, being released and zapping again with our touches, like we were meant to be joined together.
"Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I looked down, away from her gaze because I was abashed. I didn't want the words to exit my mouth, but she had to know, "The thought of you, still, white, cold... to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses...it would be unendurable." I returned my gaze to her eyes then, "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."
At the sound of my words, a craving burst through my chest and it wasn't for her blood, it was for her soul. I wanted to hold this precious soul close to me and never let go. To protect it from anything and everything that would harm it. I continued to stare fixedly upon her face, she had looked down, securing my hand in hers... reaffirming that she felt the same way. She spoke then, "You already know how I feel, of course. I'm here... which roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." Her lips turned down then, "I'm an idiot."
"You are an idiot," I agreed, but I couldn't help but laugh. She met my gaze then and joined in with my laughter. My cold dead heart squeezed in that moment. I felt eager to pull our bodies together, to intertwine them. After everything I confessed today, she still wanted to be with me, she was continually saying yes to me. At that moment, I wanted to confess my feelings for her. I wanted to bring her close to my body and whisper what she meant to me. I finally spoke, "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...," I whispered.
She looked away then and her cheeks began to flush.
"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.
"What a sick masochistic lion." I murmured.
I had wondered if she were masochistic before, about not telling anyone we were together today and realized it was me who gained gratification from pain, not her. Every breath, every touch... it was exceedingly painful and fantastic. Every moment of pain I was feeling was pleasurable because I was able to be with her. I continued to seek her out and deny myself a touch. I was the only one who was masochistic here.
"Why...?" Bella asked, not finishing her question. She had paused, like she wasn't sure how to finish. Ah, what was she thinking now? I smiled at her expression, "Yes?"
"Tell me why you ran from me before." She pleaded.
My lips began to turn down then, "You know why."
"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This for example" she caressed my hand then and the warmth sent electricity up my spine and down to my toes, "seems to be all right."
My smile returned. She wanted to make things easier for me because she wanted to be with me. Even after we leave this meadow, she was planning on staying with me. Would I ever get use to this wonderful creature? She needed to understand though, that there wasn't anything she did to make me want to take her life, it was strictly on how delicious she smelled.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."
"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you." She explained.