“How’d it go?”
“Shitty,” I answered and threw the stupid Seaside sweatshirt across the room.
“What happened?” I could tell he was walking, because I heard the car alarm go off and then the doors unlock.
“She told me we needed time apart. That it was too much, you know, the whole it’s-not-you-it’s-me garbage.”
“I’m sorry, man.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be.”
“I’m confused. Aren’t you pissed?”
“I’m more than pissed, and I even told her so. I kind of told her no.”
Alec was silent, and then, “Dude, when did you grow a pair?”
“Last night in my sleep, you ass. Now listen, I kind of got angry with her and went all protective barbarian he-man.” I still couldn’t believe I’d raised my voice at her and refused to give up.
“Did you pound your chest and roar?”
I laughed. “Tempted to, but no.”
“Then you’re good.”
“That’s it?” I cursed. “No words of wisdom from the older, happier, non-drug-addicted brother?”
Alec cleared his throat. “Love her.”
“How do you love a person who doesn’t even love themselves or see how their behavior is self-destructive?” Whoa.
And suddenly the giant light exploded in my head. So that’s what all that therapy was about. How do you let others in when you can’t even look in the mirror? The answer is, you can’t. But hopefully by showing them that they are lovable, they will start to see the truth.
“You still there, man?” Alec asked.
“Yeah, um, I gotta go.” I pressed end and threw on a Henley shirt and put my phone in my pocket.
I had a girl to kiss.
Chapter Twenty
Demetri
Note to self, this looked way easier in the movies and music videos. Why the hell was I shimmying up this girl’s house, when a normally sane person would go through the door? I mean, come on. It was ten. Nobody went to bed at ten. I was sure her parents were still up watching Wheel of Fortune or crap reality TV.
My foot slipped, making my face slam against the roof.
I waited for a few seconds before continuing my climb. I really hoped that was her room, because if it wasn’t, I was probably going to get arrested. But it was the only room with the light on upstairs, and I heard the TV downstairs. I just figured she’d be the sulking type.
I mean, I was the king of all sulking. I noticed it in others.
Finally, I reached the window and peered in. Yes, I peered in like the creepy stalker I was.
Alyssa was leaning back against her bed listening to music.
Well, that was a plus. At least she was listening to music. Though, seriously if I had to tour with Justin Bieber or One Direction the next year I was going to shit a brick. I could not, and I repeat, could not handle competition in my fragile state. Especially if she liked them. I may have to steal her iPod. Great, now I was stealing.
I knocked on the window.
She jerked her head in my direction, her mouth dropped open, and then she pulled a blanket around her.
Holy hell, she was wearing the tiniest shorts I’d ever had the pleasure of seeing. They were white. Damn. Parents should warn their daughters about what wearing white does to guys. It immediately makes me want to peel them off of her. Her small black tank top wasn’t helping matters. The tank top said Cheer.
You can take the girl away from cheerleading, but apparently can’t take cheerleading away from the girl. What the crap? Did I really just say that in my head? I should probably be on meds.
I knocked again.
She glared and shook her head no.
I lifted my shirt and showed her my abs.
She laughed. See? I could be funny and relaxed.
With a very exaggerated eye roll, she walked over to the window and opened it up. I slipped in and immediately kissed her on the mouth, not caring that she was probably going to slap me any second.
Instead, she kissed me back.
I lifted her up into my arms and pulled her against me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and let out a tiny moan.
It was my undoing.
I gently placed her back on her feet and went to close the window. I grabbed her arm and led her to the bed where I pushed her up against it.
“Why are you here?” she asked between kisses.
I chose to ignore all questions, considering all I really wanted were my hands everywhere on her body. They had a mind of their own as they roamed across her smooth skin, lifting her shirt just enough to give me a tease of her flat stomach.
“Demetri.” She pushed against me. This time I relented.
“I can’t let you go,” I whispered.
“What?” She tried to back away from me but she was trapped between my body and the bed. She wasn’t going anywhere.
“I mean…” I snuck in another kiss. “You can push all you want, but I’m not going anywhere.” I grabbed a fistful of her hair and let it fall between my fingers. The air filled with the smell of coconut.
“Even if that’s what’s best for me?”
“You don’t know what’s best for you.” I shook my head. “If you had it your way, you’d still be sitting alone in your room wearing Brady’s old sweatshirts and flipping through your high school yearbook. Alyssa, that’s not life. This, what you’re living, isn’t real.”
Her eyes flashed, and she pushed against my chest. “What makes you the expert? Huh? You have no idea! I mean, you said so yourself! You lost your girlfriend, but you weren’t even with her at the time! You don’t understand!”
I could tell I was pushing her toward the edge, and even though what she said hurt, I knew that if I didn’t allow her to snap she would stay in her tiny little bubble and never fulfill whatever her purpose was for her life.
She reminded me of baby eagles; the moms push them out of the nest the in hopes they will learn to fly. The babies constantly fall, but eventually after one final push, they make it and learn to survive on their own.
Alyssa needed to get out of her nest.
Shit. I needed to get out of my nest. Everything I said to her I was saying to myself too. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and live your life, you ass!
Sometimes, when love pushes you, it’s time to pull until you snap. I was going to be the catalyst for that, why? Because I cared, possibly loved her too much to see her continue this way.
“You’re being selfish,” I said, releasing her body so she could get away from me. “You think living like this is protecting his memory? Would he want this from you? Would he want you to sit in his sweatshirt every night crying over him? Would he be proud of the life you lived, Alyssa?”
“Stop, just stop!” Alyssa started sobbing. “I hate you! Just leave me alone!”
“No, you think you’re the only one in the entire freaking universe who’s ever experienced pain and loss. How selfish of a mindset do you have to have to believe that? Hmm? What about his parents? Do you even know what it’s like to lose a child?”
“Of course not! And neither do you!”
I swallowed and tried to calm my heart, but it was still racing. “Actually, I do.” I approached her with my hands up as I felt tears well in my eyes. “And believe me, it really was my fault.
All my fault. The entire thing. I did it. A mess of my own making, and a little boy died because of it. He would have been my son. I mean, I was going to help her raise the baby even though he wasn’t mine. Even though he was my brother’s. So betrayal? Lies? Losing a child? Yeah, I think I get it, Lyss. So next time you start to feel sorry for yourself, next time you allow yourself to feel the raw pain of guilt, maybe you should think just for a second that the world is only what you make it. You live in hell because you choose it.”
“And what are you offering?” Alyssa turned away. “Heaven in your arms.” Her lips pulled back into a scowl.
“No.” I shook my head and sat on her bed. “I’m offering you peace.”
Tear streamed down her face as she walked up to me and slapped me hard across the cheek. It stung, but she was tiny, and I knew she was just acting out. It broke my heart into a million pieces to see her hurt like that.
“Do you feel better, now?” Hit me. I wanted to scream, Hit me! If my pain would cause her relief, I was ready for it. I wanted it.
“No.” She cried into her hands. “I’m sorry. I just reacted. I just…” She fell to the floor. “I’m just so messed up.”
I knelt down next to her and pulled her into my lap.
“Welcome to the land of the living, sweetheart. Everyone’s messed up. It’s what makes us human.”
She shook in my arms. I whispered things in her ear and rubbed her head as she sank into my arms.
“I just…” she sighed. “I just need to fix things. I want to feel like myself again. I don’t want to be broken, but then I’m afraid that if I get fixed —”
“You’ll forget him,” I answered for her.
“Yeah.” She shrugged. “The pain sucks, but it’s better than forgetting him like everyone else does. I feel crazy sometimes, like I’m the only one who cares about what happened. Everyone else just keeps moving on with life, and I feel like I can’t because I feel so guilty all the time.”
“He wouldn’t want you to,” I answered using my thumbs to rub away the tears from her cheeks. “Believe me, he loved you. I mean, who wouldn’t? I love you, and you’re kind of a mess…”
Holy crap. I just admitted that out loud, and I believed every word, because it was true.
Her eyes got really wide and then she looked away from me.
“I don’t feel very lovable.”
“Okay, get ready because I’m going to only do this once.”
“Huh?”
“I’m going to act really smart right now. I’m just preparing you, because it doesn’t happen often. If you want to take a picture to document it, I’m okay with it, just don’t sell it online.”
“You’re insane.” She giggled through her tears.
I shrugged, because really, she kind of made me feel insane.
“Some scientists did this psychological experiment with dogs—”
“Did you just say psychological?”
“Shut up and listen,” I ordered and cleared my throat. “My mind is a little fuzzy on the particulars, but scientists would put a dog in a box, and then put a divider in the middle with its food on the other side. The scientists wouldn’t necessarily abuse the dog, but they would shock it over and over again each time it crossed into the other part of the box. Finally, they stopped shocking it, and showed the dog that it was safe, that it could cross over and get its food, but it refused to move. Even though there wasn’t a threat anymore, even though everything was fine. It’s a type of classical conditioning. You get burned so much that even when there isn’t any danger, you cower in the corner.” Wow. I can’t believe I remembered that from last year’s psychology class.
“Am I the dog?” Alyssa asked quietly.