I want to thank him for making me read it, but I’m so mad I can’t even speak. If I had just read the letter before the police took it, I would have known everything right then. The last two days would have turned out so different. I may not have been in such a state of shock had I been able to read the letter then. I also wouldn’t have misconstrued everything and assumed a man had to do with her decision.
And I would have actually stayed home last night, rather than make the choice to get in her car, drive to a stranger’s house, and start a fire that went out of control.
When I double over from the sobs, Ian puts his arm around me and pulls me in for a hug. I know he thinks I’m crying because of everything I just read, and he’s partly right. He also probably assumes I’m crying for saying such hateful things about my mother, and he’s partly right about that, too.
But what he doesn’t know is that most of these tears aren’t tears of grief.
They’re tears of guilt for being responsible for ruining the life of an innocent girl.
Fallon
I set the page down and pick up another tissue. I don’t think I’ve stopped crying since I started reading.
I check my phone and there’s a response from my father.
Dad: Hey! I’d love to, I miss you, too. Tell me when and where and I’ll be there.
I try not to cry when I read his text, but I can’t help but feel my bitterness has wasted a lot of good memories that could have been made with him. We’ll just have to make up for it over the next few years.
I’ve taken breaks to eat. To think. To breathe. It’s almost 7:00 p.m. now and I’ve only made it through half of the manuscript. I usually get through books in a matter of a few hours, but this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to read in my life. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for Ben to write.
I glance at the next page, trying to decide if I need another break before beginning. When I see that this next chapter is the day we met in the restaurant, I decide to continue reading. I need to know what motivated him to show up there that day. And more so, why he made the choice to enter my life.
I sit back on the couch and take in a deep breath. And then I start reading chapter four of Ben’s manuscript.
Ben’s novel—CHAPTER FOUR
Age 18
“Somebody’s boring me. I think it’s me.”
—Dylan Thomas
My arm dangles over the side of the bed, and I can tell by the way my hand lies across the carpet that the bed doesn’t have a frame or box springs. It’s just a mattress on the floor.
I’m on my stomach. There’s a sheet draped halfway over me and I’m facedown on the pillow.
I hate these moments. When I wake up too discombobulated to know where I am or who might be on the bed next to me. I usually lie still long enough to get a grip on my surroundings before moving in hopes I don’t wake up whoever might be in the room with me. But this morning is different, because whoever was on this bed with me is already awake. I can hear a shower running.
I try to count how many times this has happened—when I’ve gotten so drunk that I can barely remember anything the next day. I’m guessing at least five times this year, but this is by far the worst. I can usually at least remember which party I was at. Which friend I was with. Which girl I was flirting with before everything went black. But right now, I’ve got nothing.
My heart begins to beat as hard as the pounding in my head. I know I’m about to have to stand up and find my clothes. I’ll have to look around to try and figure out where I am. I’ll have to figure out where I might have left my car. I might even be forced to call Kyle again. But he’ll be my absolute last resort, because I’m not in the mood for another lecture today.
To say he’s been disappointed in how I’ve turned out is an understatement. Things haven’t been the same at home since the day our mother died two years ago.
Well . . . I haven’t been the same. Kyle and Ian are hoping my downward spiral will find an uphill slope soon. They were hoping once I graduated high school that I would get serious with college, but that hasn’t happened in the way they maybe think it has. In fact, my grades are so bad due to absences, I’m not even sure I’ll make it through the semester.
And I try. God do I try. Every day I wake up and I tell myself that today will be better. Today will be the day I resolve myself of guilt. But then something will happen that will trigger that feeling that I want to drown faster than it appeared. And that’s exactly what I do. I drown out everything with alcohol, friends, and girls. And at least for the rest of that night, I don’t have to think about the mistakes I made. The life I ruined.
That thought forces my eyes to open and face the sunlight beaming into the room. I squint and cover my eyes with my hand. I wait a moment before attempting to stand up and find my clothes. When I can finally stand upright, I locate my pants. I find the T-shirt I remember putting on before class yesterday.
But after that? Nothing. I remember absolutely nothing.
I find my shoes and slip those on. When I’m fully dressed, I take a second to look around the room. It doesn’t look familiar at all. I walk to the window and look outside and see that I’m in an apartment building. Nothing looks familiar though, but that could be because I can’t open my eyes wide enough to see very far. Everything hurts.
I’m about to find out where I am though, because the door to the bathroom is opening up behind me. I squeeze my eyes shut, because I have no idea who she is or what she’ll expect.
“Morning, sunshine!”