Her familiar voice flies across the room at the speed of a torpedo and goes straight through my heart. My knees feel like they’re about to buckle beneath me. In fact, I think they are. I reach for a nearby chair and I take a quick seat, dropping my head into my hands. I can’t even look at her.
How could she do this to Kyle?
How could she let me do this to Kyle?
Jordyn walks closer to me, but I still refuse to look at her. “If you’re about to puke, you better do it in the bathroom.”
I shake my head, wanting her voice to go away, wanting her apartment to go away, wanting the second-worst thing I’ve ever done to go away. “Jordyn.” When I hear the weakness in my voice, I can tell why she thinks I’m on the verge of being sick. “How did this happen?”
I hear the dip of her mattress as she plops down on the bed a few feet in front of me. “Well . . .” she says. “I’m sure it started with a shot or two. A few beers. Some pretty girls. And then it ended with you calling me crying at midnight last night, rambling about the date and how you need to go home but you were too drunk and you didn’t want to call Kyle because he’d be mad at you.” She stands and walks toward her closet. “And believe me, he would have been pissed. And if you tell him I let you sleep it off here so that he wouldn’t find out, he’ll be pissed at me. So you better not rat me out, Ben. I’ll kill you.”
My mind is trying to catch up, but she talks too fast.
So I called her? For help?
We didn’t . . .
God, no. She wouldn’t do that. I, on the other hand, seem to have no control over the things I do when I get in that state. But at least I called her before I did something stupid. She and Kyle have been together long enough that she’s like a sister to me, and I would trust her not to tell Kyle. But the question still remains . . . why was I naked? In her bed?
She walks back out of the closet and it’s the first time I’ve looked at her today. She looks normal. Not guilty at all. A little bit tired, maybe, but smiley as usual.
“I saw your ass this morning,” she says, laughing. “What the hell did you do? I told you to use my shower, but you could have put your clothes back on afterward.” She makes a face. “Now I have to wash my sheets.”
She begins to pull her sheets off her mattress. “I hope when I move in with Kyle you start wearing boxers or something. And I can’t believe I was forced to sleep on my own couch while your drunk ass stole my bed.” I want to tell her to slow down, but every time she talks, I feel more and more relieved. “You owe me big-time.”
She loses the smile on her face as she takes a seat on the mattress across from me again. She leans forward and looks at me sincerely. “I don’t want to pry into your life. But I love your brother and as soon as my lease is up, we’re all going to be living together. So I’m only going to say this once. Are you listening?”
I nod.
“We’re only given one mind and body at birth. And they’re the only ones we get, so it’s up to us to take care of ourselves. I hate to say this, Ben, but right now, you are the absolute worst version of yourself that you could possibly be. You’re depressed. You’re moody. You’re only eighteen, and I don’t even know where you’re getting your alcohol, but you drink way too much. And as much as your brothers have tried to help you, no one can force you to want to be a better person. Only you can do that, Ben. So if you have any hope left in you at all, I suggest you dig deep for it, because if you don’t find it, you’ll never be the best version of yourself. And you’re going to bring your brothers down with you, because they love you that much.”
She stares at me just as long as it takes for her words to make sense in my head. She sounds like my mother, and that thought hits me hard.
I stand up. “Are you finished? Because I’d like to go find my car now.”
She sighs with disappointment and it makes me feel bad, but I refuse to let her see that all I can think about now is my mother and how, if she saw me today, what would she think of me?
* * *
After a few texts to friends, I discovered where my car was. As Jordyn drops me off, I debate apologizing to her. I stall at the car with the door halfway shut, wondering what to say. Finally, I lean down and look at her.
“Sorry for the attitude earlier. I appreciate you helping me last night, and thanks for the ride.” I go to shut the door, but she calls my name and steps out of the car. She looks at me over the hood.
“Last night . . . when you called? You kept saying something about the date today, and . . . I don’t want to pry. But I know it’s the anniversary of what happened with your mom. And I think maybe it would be good for you if you went to see her.” She looks down and taps her fingers on the hood. “Think about it, okay?”
I stare at her for a moment and then I give her one quick nod before getting into my car.
I know it’s been two years. I don’t need a reminder. Every single day I wake up and take my first breath, I’m reminded of that day.
* * *
I grip the steering wheel, unsure if I’m going to get out of my car. It’s bad enough that I drove out to the cemetery in the first place. I’ve never visited her gravesite before. I just don’t feel the need to because I don’t feel like she’s really there. I talk to my mother sometimes. Of course the conversations are one-sided, but I still talk to her. I don’t feel like I need to stare at a headstone in order to do that.
So why am I here?
Maybe I was hoping it would help. But the fact of the matter is, I’ve accepted my mother’s death. I understand why she did it. And I know that if she didn’t make the choice to take her own life, the cancer would have taken her soon after. But everyone in my family seems to think I can’t move on. That I miss her so much it’s affecting my life.