Sure, Beau’s heart went out to Gavin. He’d been young, confused, and probably in love with someone he knew his family wouldn’t accept. Too bad it didn’t sound like he had a sturdy support system to get him through the confusion. And just like so many unfortunate others, he’d taken his own life. Beau couldn’t even imagine the pain Gavin had been in at the time. He was likely confused and watching his own brother beat the man he loved had to have been hell.
And maybe Beau had it all wrong, but he didn’t think so.
Unfortunately, Beau couldn’t change the past, didn’t have an option to fix what had been broken. But he was here now. He could love Ethan with all that he was and hope that was enough.
Did that mean he’d have to live his life hiding out with Ethan? Pretending that he didn’t love this man? If he left it up to Ethan, he was sure that would be the plan.
Beau wasn’t sure he could do that. He wasn’t built that way.
He’d spent his life in a house where love wasn’t shared freely, and generally it was only given when something had been proven. Since the moment his football career came to an abrupt halt, Beau wasn’t sure his father had even said the words. He sometimes wondered whether Ben even felt them. Beau loved his parents, but he didn’t look up to them the way he did Zane’s parents.
He wanted the type of love that could be shared freely and openly. Like Travis and Kylie and Gage had. The three of them had gone against the norm, but their families accepted them. And more importantly, they accepted each other. And Travis and Gage were the type of men who would stand up to the world and tell anyone who didn’t believe in what they had to fuck off. Beau wanted a man who would stand up for him, a man who wasn’t ashamed or scared of what they shared. Because Beau was that man. He would go the distance to ensure Ethan knew he was loved and to make sure no one harmed him.
Above all else, Beau would take care of Ethan. Emotionally, physically. It’s what he wanted. Hell, it was what he needed.
He didn’t think Ethan was ashamed of who he was, and he knew damn good and well that Ethan was strong enough to stand up for himself and those he loved. The question was whether he would be able to or not. Would the pain and fear from his past always cripple him to where he felt he had to hide?
“Are you awake?” Ethan asked, rolling over onto his back.
Beau shifted with him, refusing to let go. “Yeah, I’m awake.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking about.”
Beau wasn’t sure he could explain it. Knew he didn’t want to. Not if it meant risking what they were sharing at the moment.
“You,” he said truthfully. “I’m thinking about you.” Kissing Ethan’s hair, Beau gripped him tighter.
“Well, then we have something in common,” Ethan said quietly.
“Yeah? You’re thinking about you too?” Beau teased, hoping to pull himself out from under his pressing thoughts.
“Yes, as a matter of fact,” Ethan replied, rolling over to face Beau fully.
Beau chuckled and settled into the bed so that he could pull Ethan closer.
“Now tell me what you’re thinking about,” Ethan told him.
“How I don’t want this to end.” There. He said it. If that sent Ethan running, he’d just have to deal with it.
Silence descended, and Beau’s heart raced as he waited for Ethan to say something.
“I don’t want it to end either.”
Well, that’s definitely not what he expected him to say.
“What does that mean for us?” Beau asked, curious as to where they were headed from here.
“I’m quite content just like this,” Ethan said, his arm sliding over Beau’s stomach in light, gentle strokes.
“What does that mean when we get back home?” Beau knew he was pushing the conversation in a dangerous direction once again, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted to know.
“Nothing is going to change for me, Beau.”
And that’s what Beau had been afraid of. Ethan wasn’t willing to change for anyone. He was obviously satisfied with the way his life was, and Beau wanted more than a discreet affair. He wanted the whole nine yards. Unconditional love. A family. All of it.
He was tired of wasting time. Love had evaded him because he had been too confused to know which way to look and now that he knew without a doubt just what true love felt like, he wanted it.
Permanently.
“I understand,” he whispered, not willing to destroy this moment.
For now he’d let this be enough. Tomorrow or the next day, or even the day after that, then Beau would worry about his next step. Should it have to be without Ethan, then he’d put one foot in front of the other the way he always had before. It would hurt, would tear his heart to shreds, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t experienced it before. He’d managed to let others push him away and he’d survived.