Beau considered changing the subject, but they had made it this far. Ethan had been holding this inside for so long, he only prayed that, by urging Ethan to tell the story, he was able to alleviate some of Ethan’s pain. He doubted it would help, but he still hoped.
“Gavin texted me. Told me he was willing to talk, but I had to come to his house. I didn’t want to and told him as much. There was no way I was going to risk running into Jimmy. Anyway, I couldn’t say no because I wanted to see him.
“When I got to his house, his front door was standing open. I called out, fully expecting another setup, but there was no one there. The idiot that I was, I walked in the house and went in search of Gavin. Something pushed me forward, telling me I had to find him. I knew before I even walked in his room what he’d done. He had overdosed on some prescription pain pills that his mother had. He was dead when I got there.”
It was Beau’s turn to look down at the table. Gavin Reardon had killed himself. Had he done it because he was gay? Beau knew the unfortunate statistics of suicide. He’d read about them. And young gay men were amongst those with the highest suicide attempts.
It was disheartening.
The waiter interrupted them when he brought the bill, but Beau paid him no mind, nor did Ethan. He wanted to show Ethan that he could share his story, and he could still move forward.
It might not be easy, but it had to be done.
Chapter Thirty
Ethan could hardly swallow past the lump in his throat. He was angry, and he was sad at the same time. He was pissed that Beau had gotten him to open up about something that he didn’t want to talk about. On the other hand, he felt somewhat lighter, even if his heart still ached for Gavin.
No one knew exactly why Gavin took his own life because he didn’t leave a note. Ethan had a theory, not that he would ever share it with anyone. It was obvious Gavin was gay and coming out didn’t seem to be an option for him. Especially after the way Jimmy had reacted to Ethan.
If he thought about it, Ethan was pretty sure Gavin had loved him. Although the memory was fuzzy, Ethan was almost certain Gavin had told him as much the first time they made love, but again, he would never know for sure.
And it was true, the bullies were everywhere, especially in their small, redneck town, and it didn’t help that Gavin’s own brother was amongst them. But Ethan still carried the guilt because he felt as though he could’ve stopped him. Could’ve made him understand that everything would be all right.
But would it have been all right? It surely hadn’t been for Ethan. He’d had to keep himself locked up in that proverbial closet so that he didn’t draw attention from the Jimmy Reardons of the world or he risked something far worse than some cracked ribs, a broken nose and a busted face. He’d been lucky. The evil still lurked everywhere he turned.
Ethan drained the rest of his beer and spun a knife on the table as he tried to collect his thoughts. Staring back at Beau, he said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell you that now.”
Beau gave him a questioning look as he pushed his beer away. “Would there have been a better time?”
He heard the annoyance in Beau’s usually calm tone.
No, there certainly wasn’t a good time to talk about Gavin and all that had been lost back then. Not only had Ethan been beaten, but he’d lost the only man he had ever loved. It was the one and only reason he didn’t fall in love. He didn’t want strings. Nothing to bind him to someone so tightly that he would ever feel that kind of pain again. “No,” he said simply.
“I’m glad you told me, E,” Beau said, and his hand moved across the table to touch his.
Ethan didn’t pull back, unsure why not. Had he been thinking clearly, he would’ve looked around to ensure no one was looking, yanked his hand as far back as he could. But for some reason, he needed Beau’s reassuring touch, needed everything Beau had to offer him even if he had nothing to give in return.
“Let’s get out of here,” Ethan told him, forcing a smile.
Beau nodded as he pulled his hand back to his side of the table. Ethan snatched the check off the table and tossed his credit card in the folder.
While they waited for the waiter to do his thing, Ethan stared at his hand, feeling the loss of Beau’s warmth and realizing just how much he missed his touch.
A short while later, Ethan was walking into their hotel room with Beau right behind him. He was emotionally drained, and he was pretty damn sure he’d ruined Beau’s night. He had tried to apologize again, but Beau had shut him up with a glare.
Glancing at the bed, he suddenly wished they’d opted for two double beds. He doubted that Beau would want to be anywhere near him at this point.