Mrs. Somers words had me jumping out of bed, my heart beating frantically as I ran to the living room and grabbed my mother's car keys from the coffee table.
"How is that possible?" I exclaimed, the phone still to my ear as I grabbed my purse. "How could he try to kill himself in a hospital? Aren't they watching him?"
"He broke a plastic spoon and tried to slash his wrists with the sharp edge. Please, just hurry. He's not responding to anything I'm saying. He's not responding to anyone."
"I'm on my way."
I ran outside and slid into the driver's seat of my mother's car, my hand shaking as I turned the key in the ignition. I tried to calm myself on the short drive over, knowing that I must look crazy. I was still wearing the crumpled clothes from the day before that I had fallen asleep in, my hair wild and eyes frantic.
Mrs. Somers' eyes were red and puffy when I arrived at the hospital. She looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She surprised me by giving me a hug when she saw me, but I didn't question it as I hugged her back. It was a painful reminder of how close we had once been.
"I don't know what to do, Emma," she whispered. "He's barely talking. All he keeps saying is that he doesn't want to spend his life dependent on other people."
"Should I go see him? What if I make it worse?" I took a deep breath. "After all, this is my fault."
Mrs. Somers' shook her head. "I'm angry at you, Emma. So angry I could spit. What you did to Sean was inexcusable. But...I can't make you responsible for his life. He's the one making these choices."
Instead of helping me, Mrs. Somers' words pained me. Everyone was making excuses for me, even her. The mother of the man I had destroyed.
"I think you should go in and see him. Maybe you can get him talking."
I took a deep breath before stepping into the room. Sean's eyes followed me dully as I walked over to him, trying not to look at his bandaged wrists.
"Hi, Sean," I said quietly.
"I guess you heard." Sean limply lifted one wrist and then let it fall back on the bed. "I can't seem to do anything right."
"Sean, please. You don't want this. You have your whole life ahead of you. I know how incredibly angry you must be right now. You have every right to be. But please, not this. Don't do something that you'll regret. Don't do something that everyone who loves you will regret."
Sean turned to me, his eyes full of pain. "It's okay, Emma. You don't have to humor me anymore. I know you want to leave. I know that you're with someone else now. I was determined to get you back. But one stupid impulse when I was feeling hopeless made that impossible. And now I can't seem to stop making bad decisions. There's nothing I can offer you. You can go, Emma. It's okay."
Sean's words scared me more than if he had been insisting that I stay with him. He seemed completely hopeless now. Before I had seen a glimmer of hope in his eyes. Now it was extinguished.
"Sean, you have to promise me you won't try to hurt yourself again," I said urgently, panic rising in me as Sean just stared at me blankly. "Promise me."
"I promise, Emma."
With those three words, my fate was sealed. Sean and I had spent a decade together, sharing confidences and dreams, surviving the anguish of losing my father and the pain of Sean's father abandoning him. Despite everything that had happened, I knew Sean better than anyone else. And I knew he was lying.
I sat in his hospital room for the next hour, watching his mother try to talk to him while he answered her with one word replies. I was amazed at how calmly I could sit there while my world was falling apart. Last night, when I had been sobbing with misery, I had wondered if I had made a mistake. Maybe I was sacrificing my happiness, but more importantly Jackson's happiness, for a misplaced sense of obligation. I had been on the verge of deciding that it was too much to give up. That I would call Jackson today and apologize, tell him he was right, and get on the next plane to California.
All that had changed.
With a promise of visiting tomorrow, I left the hospital, but I didn't drive home. I drove to Troyer Way, a popular hangout for teenagers with a wide green expanse of grass where cars were often parked.
I parked my car by the road and got out, walking along a path. It was odd that no one was here now. This place was usually full of laughing teenagers on a Saturday afternoon. Maybe Sean's grisly accident was keeping them away. My mother told me that they had to shear the car in half to get Sean out.
My throat tightened as I walked up to a towering oak tree, the lush limbs swaying in the light breeze. You would have never known that someone had tried to kill himself with this tree, the trunk looking strong and unblemished.
I sat down next to it, leaning my back against the trunk as I looked up, catching glimpses of blue sky between the limbs. It looked like a halcyon day. I realized today was the first day of fall, my favorite season. When the air began to get crisp enough that you dug into the back of your closet for your favorite warm sweater, the leaves turning color so that everywhere you looked was a canvas of art. It was a season of change, to prepare you for the chill of winter so that you could experience the rebirth of spring.
I sat by the tree for a long time, contemplating my life and future. I had moved to New York to become the new Emma Mills, only to find that the old me refused to budge. I decided to accept that.
On the drive home, I thought about what I would say to Jackson. I wouldn't lie to him. I had promised before that I would never lie to him. As much as I loved him, I had to stay here in Merrittsville to make sure Sean was okay. It wasn't that I was choosing Sean over him. I was choosing to face my responsibility. I didn't expect Jackson to wait for me, especially since I couldn't promise when I would be ready to leave here. I couldn't think beyond that, because it was too painful to contemplate. To know that there was a chance I would lose Jackson forever almost made me forget about Sean, to ignore my responsibilities. But then I remembered the dull look of hopelessness in Sean's eyes.
Despite my decision, I was still a coward. Jackson had said he would call me when he was ready, and I wasn't prepared to disregard his wishes by calling him. I told myself that was the only reason I didn't call him, not because I wanted to postpone the inevitable conversation as much as possible.
When Jackson didn't call on Saturday, my mood went from bad to horrible. Maybe I wouldn't even need to have the conversation with Jackson. Maybe he had already given up on me.
Chapter Twelve
Sunday had the audacity to be another beautiful day. My visit with Sean was uneventful as he spent most of it silent, barely answering me. I spent the rest of the day at home, resentful that my mother was spending a lot of time out of the house because she wanted to avoid the tumultuous situation. I was also heartbroken that I hadn't heard from Jackson yet.