So when I answered the door, wondering who it could possibly be, I was shocked to find Jackson standing before me. He looked tired with dark circles under his eyes and his hair tousled as if he had been running his fingers through it. His complexion was pale and his face looked drawn. I had never seen a more beautiful sight in my life.
Jackson quirked his mouth as I continued to just stand there gaping at him, drinking in the sight of him.
"Are you going to let me in?"
"Of course!" I exclaimed, startled out of my reverie. I stepped back to let him in, uncertain of his mood or why he was here. "I'm just surprised to find you on my doorstep. This is a long way from California."
Jackson didn't say anything as he swooped down, gathering me in his arms and burying his face in my hair. I clutched at him, feeling relief and joy at being in his arms again, relishing the feel of his body against mine. I had been terrified that I would never see him again, let alone be held in his arms again.
Jackson pulled back after a few moments although he didn't release me from the circle of his arms. He looked down at me, a faint smile on his lips but his eyes were serious. "This has been about the worst three days of my life."
"Jackson-" I started, but nothing more was said as he claimed my lips with his, kissing me gently until urgency took over and we started kissing each other ravenously, the separation having been acute, building the pressure of our desire.
"Wait," I said breathlessly, breaking the kiss and pushing him back so that I could see his face. "We need to talk."
Jackson sighed. "Talking doesn't seem to solve anything."
"Please, Jackson. We need to discuss some things."
I led him to the living room and onto the couch, sitting down next to him. I was now grateful that my mother wasn't home. Even though the feel and taste of him had been intoxicating, it didn't change the circumstances of our situation.
"I can't tell you how happy I am to see you, but what made you decide to come all the way out here?"
"I wanted to talk to you in person. I can't see you on the phone. I can't hold you. I need to see for myself why you're insisting on staying here."
I sighed heavily. "I won't lie that I was having second thoughts about staying here." I held up my hand when I saw Jackson's eyes brighten, not wanting to give him false hope. "But my mind is made up. Sean tried to kill himself again. He doesn't think there's anything to live for because he doesn't think he'll ever walk again."
Jackson's eyes darkened at my admission, but he just nodded his head. "Even though I didn't know about Sean trying to kill himself again, I was pretty sure you weren't changing your mind." He took a deep breath before continuing. "That's why I've decided to stay here with you. We'll stay here until you feel comfortable enough to leave Sean. We'll figure out what to do afterwards when the time comes."
I shook my head, not understanding him. "What do you mean you're staying here? What about the movie?"
"I quit."
"What?!" I screeched, hoping against all hope that this was a dream and that I would be waking up soon. When all that happened was Jackson looking back at me with a satisfied smile, I felt my heart start to beat erratically. I was doing it again. I was ruining someone's life because they cared too much about me.
"I asked them if it was possible to push back the filming date, but I knew that they'd never agree to it, especially when I couldn't even tell them when I wanted to push it back to. So I thanked them for considering me and I quit. Even though I signed the contract, Mark doesn't think they'll pursue any legal action. It's more of a bother than it's worth."
I shook my head, horrified as I realized what Jackson had done. "Jackson, no! You can't do this! This was a chance of a lifetime! You can't just throw it all away for me."
"I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for us." Jackson caught me by the chin, looking at me intently. "I meant it when I said I would be happy as long as we're together, no matter what. If you need to be here, then I need to be here too."
"Jackson, I can't have you give this up for me. No matter what you say, you are giving this up for me. And I can't handle that kind of burden!"
"It's no burden, Emma. I'm doing it gladly. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The rest of my life doesn't start six months from now when you feel that Sean's ready to be on his own. It starts today."
I felt panic and fear clawing at my chest. I couldn't do this. Whether Jackson knew it or not, he would eventually start to resent me. He would wonder what his life could have been like if I hadn't ruined it with my obligation. And it was my obligation, not his.
"Please, Jackson. I'm begging you. Call them and say you made a mistake. That you had a moment of insanity. Anything!"
Jackson brushed my cheek with the back of his hand, the gentleness and love in his touch killing me. "Emma, listen to me. I've already made up my mind. Nothing is going to change that. I can work as a personal trainer in a local gym around here and we can rent a place until we're ready to leave."
I remembered telling him that I would be happy as long as we were together, even if I was flipping burgers and he was a bag boy at a supermarket. And it was true, but only if it was by choice. Jackson didn't have a choice in this. I was forcing his hand.
I looked up at Jackson, tears falling down my face. I wanted to tell him that I had changed my mind, and that I would go to California with him, but I knew that was impossible. If I did that, I would start to hate myself for abandoning Sean. I was afraid I would start to hate Jackson too.
I took a deep breath, knowing what I had to do. I steeled my resolve, telling myself to remember that I was doing it for Jackson. Because I loved him.
"Jackson, I'm not telling you the whole truth." My heart turned when he furrowed his brow but I forced myself to continue. "Being back here...seeing Sean...I've realized I made a mistake. I should have never left him."
Jackson's face whitened as he dropped my hand that he had been holding. A look of terror crossed his face as he shook his head. "No. Emma, no."
"I'm sorry," I said, openly sobbing now, my heart feeling as if it was being squeezed in a vice.
Jackson grabbed the hand that he had dropped, squeezing it so tightly that it hurt. "Sweetheart, why are you doing this? I said I would stay here with you. Please!"
I dropped my head, watching the tears fall from my face onto my lap. It was too much. I didn't know if I could go through with it. Then I imagined Jackson leading a life of drudgery, always wondering "what if." I couldn't let that happen.