'No, that's not what I mean.' He moved, rolling her towards him. He leaned over her and brushed his lips against hers. 'You're different. And I'm different with you. There is no comparison,' he repeated, and kissed her with a slow sensuality that robbed Karen of any thought at all.
Her hands crept up over his back, and in the close darkness of night, she surrendered to the pleasure of following her instincts which encouraged Hal to take whatever he wanted of her. But this time he gave far more than he took, and if it wasn't love, it left Karen feeling as if she had been loved, and she fell asleep, cradled in his arms, a smile of contentment still on her lips.
CHAPTER NINE
IT WAS crazy. It was unreasonable. The highly dubious foundation of their marriage should have discouraged any such feeling from developing, but it had happened. Karen was in love with Hal Chissolm. She knew it was madness, but she simply could not help herself. It was beyond her control.
It was impossible to actually pinpoint the time when her life had stopped revolving around David and started revolving around Hal, but as the weeks had passed her awareness of him had grown until he was now the focus of practically everything she did and thought and felt. She did not understand why it should be so. Barry had never inspired such a depth of feeling even when he had been at his most loving, and Hal certainly didn't love her.
He was kind and considerate to her. The savagery he had shown her on their wedding day had never been repeated. Nor did he mock her efforts to keep a smoothly running relationship with him. He cooperated all the way. But he kept a distance between them that she couldn't cross, no matter how hard she tried. Sometimes the distance wasn't so apparent.
Sometimes she could pretend it wasn't there at all. It frightened her that just a pleasant word or a hard look from him could swing her emotions from happiness to despair. The need to be loved by him was eating into her more each day, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She tried to hide her vulnerability from him, but she wasn't sure she was successful.
She didn't want to be with anyone else and Hal seemed content with their small family unit. Although he spoke of friends at work he invited no one home, and it came as a jolt when he finally suggested such an invitation, an invitation that Karen found particularly unwelcome.
'My father has been complaining that he hasn't seen anything of David since we were married.'
Hal's casual remark over the dinner table dimmed Karen's pleasant glow of well-being. She had been savouring the companionable tone of their conversation and imagining that they were any normal husband and wife, chatting over the doings of the day. The mention of Owen recalled all too clearly the circumstances of their marriage.
'It's been five weeks,' Hal added with a rueful littie smile. 'I thought we could invite him over for lunch on Sunday. Is that all right with you?'
It wasn't all right at all. She did not like the idea of their relationship being put under Owen's critical scrutiny. The memory of his unjust disapproval of her decision to marry Hal still had the power to hurt.
'Some problem?'
The slight edge to Hal's voice cut through her thoughts, and she glanced up quickly to find the smile gone and the familiar hard reserve in his eyes.
'No, of course not,' she denied swiftly. 'Sunday lunch is fine.'
But her answer had come too late. The reserve did not go away and the friendly mood was spoilt. Hal continued with polite conversation, but it wasn't the same; he had distanced himself from her again. Karen's happiness deflated into a dull inner misery as she tried unsuccessfully to reach past the barrier he had erected between them.
She hated it when that reserve shuttered his eyes, closing her out. The best times were when they took David on a family outing, which they had done every Sunday; to the beach, to,the zoo, to fantasy playgrounds around the outskirts of Sydney. These occasions invariably provided moments when the love Hal gave openly to David seemed to be transferred to Karen in an unguarded look of intimate sharing.
There were no such moments when he was alone with her, but occasionally he was relaxed and friendly, as he had been tonight before her hesitation over Owen's invitation. Sometimes Karen wished she could see the expression in his eyes after they had made love, but it was always too dark. Hal did not touch her during the day except for ordinary courtesies.
More and more Karen regretted her rejection of him that first afternoon. Perhaps it was only a sexual act to him, a necessary process to get her pregnant, yet it never felt like that to her. Hal did not finish with her once he had climaxed, nor did he ever take her without concern for her pleasure. She always fell asleep feeling they were truly one, yet in the morning the barriers were up as if they had never been dropped for a moment.
Just as the barriers were up now, impenetrable.
Karen gave up trying to reach past them and retired to the kitchen, taking her frustration out on the pots and pans from dinner. She wished there was some ironing to do, any mundane physical activity that might, soothe the turbulence of her thoughts, but the household was run with meticulous efficiency by the housekeeper Hal employed.
Mr and Mrs Hanle were well past middle age and they were both pleasant, cheerful people who liked to be kept busy and took a pride in their work. The garden was always immaculate, the house spotless, and Karen only had to make a list andthe shopping was done. All she had to do during the weekdays was cook, and Mrs Hanley even prepared the vegetables for dinner. At the weekends Hal often took charge of the meals, surprising Karen with his skill until he explained that his tours overseas had taught him how to look after himself.
That was part of the problem with Hal, Karen thought despondently. He didn't need her for anything, except as David's mother, and possibly in his bed. If only he could come to love her as she loved him, she would be so happy. He was happy with David. Maybe when she had their very own baby he would be happy with her.
On Sunday morning Owen arrived while Hal was still giving David a swimming lesson in the heated pool on the patio. Karen was forced to greet him alone and it was with some apprehension that she opened the door to him. To her relief his smile for her was warm and his manner even more so as she showed him into the house and explained David's and Hal's preoccupation. He stopped her as she began to lead him out to the patio.
'I'm in no hurry, Karen, and lowe you an apology.'
'Whatever for?' she retorted lightly, embarrassed by the concern in his eyes.
He gave a rueful little smile. 'You know what for, Karen. On the day you and Hal were married I made an accusation which was obviously wrong.'
'It doesn't matter now, Owen.'
'It matters to me,' he replied with such deep sincerity that Karen could not brush it aside. 'I thought you were out to hurt Hal,' he continued purposefully, 'somehow forcing him into a marriage by holding David over his head. But from something he's said since, I've realised that the marriage was of his making. Quite frankly I don't understand either of you, but since you've been together Hal has become more of the son I used to know, and our relationship is back on its old footing. I've got you to thank for that. He's happier now than I've seen him for years, and I can't doubt that it's your dOing, Karen.'