“Why didn’t your aunt come over to your place if she lived so close?” Luca looked into her eyes, as if to reassure her, to show his concern.
“My aunt didn’t like children. She never married and preferred the quiet life; she was a bookkeeper for a local business. Auntie had a nice little terraced house and hated coming to the ‘nasty flat’ as she called it.” Sophia took a deep breath and continued with her story.
“Ben, my oldest brother, was wonderful. He was only a child himself, yet he helped us younger ones with our homework. He taught James to read. He would put on puppet shows behind the sofa using Dad’s socks and an oven mitt. He always had a smile and knew how to cheer us up. Most of the boys his age were down the park playing football; Ben was at home reading us stories using funny voices for the characters.” She smiled at the memories, but there were tears in her eyes. Luca ran his hand down her hair, offering her comfort.
“If something exciting happened at school, or if we did well on a test, it was Ben we told, not our parents. All our hopes and dreams or daily disappointments we laid at Ben’s door. He was so young for such responsibility, yet he never complained. He never told us to get lost or find someone else to talk to. He would’ve been such an amazing dad.” Her voice caught on the last sentence. Telling Luca was harder than she’d expected. She couldn’t pretend her past didn’t matter when his strong arms were around her, providing the security she’d so desperately needed then. The comfort she so desperately needed now. If he pulled away, she’d fall apart. And she wasn’t sure she could put the pieces back together again.
Instead, Luca lifted her so she was sitting across his lap. She put her empty brandy snifter down on the coffee table and leaned back. The steady beat of his heart against her ear, and the warmth of his body against hers, gave her the strength to continue.
“Paul was a bit rebellious. He didn’t like sitting at home with a ‘bunch of babies,’ as he used to call us. He would go and hang out with his friends, quite often getting in trouble. But he always managed to slip in the door minutes before Mum came home, pretending he’d been there the whole time. Paul was very clever, and though he never seemed to do any homework or studying he always had good grades, so Mum and Dad thought nothing was wrong.
“I was the cleaner. I used to clean the house spotless so Mum wouldn’t have to do it when she came home. I hoped it would make her happy and make her want to stay with us. I was always annoyed at the other children for making a mess. Paul used to call me uptight. I guess it was my way with coping. At least my surroundings could be clean, neat, tidy, orderly, even if my life was a mess.
“Sarah cried a lot, always whining and complaining. I think she was starved for affection. That’s probably why, even today, if a man shows any interest in her, she immediately falls in love with him. She’s always lurching from one bad relationship into another.” Despite being only three years apart, she’d never felt very close to her sister. They were polar opposites in temperament. She’d always thought Sarah’s sensitivity a weakness. Now, however, having had a taste of Luca’s tenderness, she could understand her sister a little more.
“James, my younger brother, was beautiful. He had curly, blonde hair and bright blue eyes and dimples when he smiled, which was often. People used to stop in the street when we walked by and comment on what a beautiful child he was.” Her voice broke and she took a deep, shuddering breath.
“I don’t think I’ll ever complain again about being an only child,” Luca commented.
“Oh, it wasn’t all bad. I do have some happy childhood memories. Paul once stole ten pounds out of his friend’s mother’s purse. But then he felt guilty for doing it. So rather than buy smokes, which had been his intention, we went to the park and he bought us all chips and ice cream.” She smiled genuinely for the first time since meeting Kathy. Getting all this off her chest made her heart was a little lighter. Luca held her tightly, one hand rubbing her back in a comforting gesture. Maybe he wouldn’t be put off by her past, consider her unworthy.
“Things went okay for a couple of years. We all did pretty well in school. Paul got selected for the track team and so had something more positive to focus his energies on. Although Mum and Dad were still kind of living their own lives, the rest of us were close-knit and we got on as best we could. We were five children living in a small space, so of course there were fights. Yet somehow, instinctively I guess, we all knew we had to stick together to survive.” She took a deep breath and barely whispered the words. “But when things went bad, they went bad very quick.”
Chapter 11
Sophia’s shudder went straight through Luca. Her pain became his. It was the first time he was truly connected to his wife, outside of the bedroom. The depth of his desire to protect her surprised him. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted her to need him, to rely on him, to trust him. He pulled her closer, and she rested her head on his chest for a moment.
“You do not have to tell me more, tesoro mio.”
“No, I want you to know it all. I just need a minute.”
She pulled out of his arms and paced the room, obviously too emotional to sit still. She paused by the fireplace mantel and rearranged the photos symmetrically. Finally, she turned toward him, but her eyes didn’t meet his. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He knew their relationship would never progress unless she unburdened herself—trusted him with her secret. But it was hard to watch her build her walls again.
Sophia took a deep breath as though bracing herself for rejection. “When Ben was seventeen, he fell in love with a girl at school. She was pretty but vain. Ben had spent the last five years looking after his younger siblings rather than playing football or hanging out with his peers, so he was a bit scrawny and quiet. This girl didn’t appreciate his sensitive nature or the incredible responsibility he’d shouldered without complaint. She rejected him outright, even mocking his attempts to win her heart. Worse, she made him the laughingstock of the school. Poor Ben, he was so dejected.” Sophia’s voice was soft and distant, lost in the past.
“Was it the woman from Lake Como?” He was trying to work out where she fit into the story and why she had caused so much panic in Sophia, not once but twice.
“No, I can’t even remember this girl’s name, and I don’t think I ever met her. But Ben couldn’t get over her. He followed her around the school and watched her from a distance everywhere she went. I guess finally he got the message that it was never going to happen. One day I came home from school to find Ben lying on the floor of the flat, unconscious. I couldn’t rouse him and was about to call for an ambulance when Paul came home. He’d seen it before and knew what to do. Ben had passed out from a drug overdose. When he came around, he begged us not to tell anyone. He said it had been a one-off thing and he’d learned his lesson and would never do drugs again … but he did.”