Luca wanted to go to her, to take her in his arms, yet he sensed that she needed to stand alone to tell him. To exorcise whatever demons still haunted her by wandering about the room. She moved over to the window. Her face was reflected in the glass, her eyes lifeless, caught up in the memories. She cleared her throat and continued.
“Ben started stealing, first from home, selling anything worth anything to get money for drugs—then from our neighbors and friends, the local shops. Paul and I tried to talk to him, but I was thirteen and Paul was sixteen. Ben had been acting like our parent for so long, he didn’t think he needed to listen to us. I think Mum knew something was wrong, although she never said anything. About six months after I found Ben on the floor from the overdose, the doorbell rang at six in the morning.
“I knew it was the police—I thought they’d come to arrest Ben for stealing, and in a way I was relieved. I thought then maybe he would be able to get the help he desperately needed.
“I answered the door and sure enough there were two police officers there. But instead of asking for Ben, they asked for Mum and Dad. I woke them up and then listened at the sitting room door as they told my parents that Ben had been found dead in a known drug house. Mum started crying … Dad couldn’t believe it, he had no idea that Ben had been into drugs. They left shortly after to identify the body. My aunt came and stayed with us while they were gone. I don’t think any one of us said a single word until they returned and confirmed the news. It was like being in a nightmare, where you can’t speak, can’t scream … but there was no waking up from this bad dream.”
Sophia’s voice was quieter now and she returned to the fireplace, as though seeking out its warmth even though it wasn’t on. She wrapped her arms around herself and paused for a moment. He had to stop himself from getting off the sofa and pulling her down beside him—she seemed so distant, so lost. He ached for her.
“I don’t remember the funeral, except feeling numb. Ben was the one I told when I was happy, sad, scared. People kept telling me I should cry, but I couldn’t. There was nobody there anymore to hold me and tell me it was going to get better.”
Sophia shrugged, but her eyes were bleak.
“For a few months after Ben’s death, Mum and Dad actually spent some time with us children. I think Dad even went on a school trip with James. Although I missed Ben dreadfully, it looked like things had at least changed for the better in our family. However, within six months it was back to normal. Dad was out at the pub, or with his mates, and Mum was either at work or over at Auntie’s house. Paul tried to take Ben’s place, but he didn’t have the same temperament. Ben had always been gentle and kind, Paul was more of a hothead. He had no patience, especially for Sarah, who cried even more now that Ben was gone.
“Before long Paul was away from home as much as Dad and Mum. He was missing from school, too. Soon it was apparent he’d joined a gang. I tried to talk to him … he said he was attempting to find out who had sold Ben the bad drugs and once he did, he would leave the gang. I was scared, first Ben now Paul. I was still the cleaner, trying my best to look after Sarah and James.
“About a year after Ben died, Paul came home late one night, covered in blood. I watched him through the crack in my bedroom door as he tried to clean himself up in the bathroom, across the hall. I guess he didn’t want to turn on any more lights in case he woke someone up, so he kept the door open and used the hall light that was always on, as Sarah was afraid of the dark. He made such a mess. Isn’t it strange how even a little blood can make such a big mess? I remember wondering how I was going to clean it up before Mum and Dad woke up.”
Sophia was so remote now, he almost didn’t recognize her. It was as though she was telling someone else’s story. Luca didn’t know whether he should encourage her to go on, to get it all out, or stop her now and continue another time. She let out a long sigh, and continued.
“Before I could even get up in the morning, the police were banging on the door. I didn’t answer it this time. I hid in my room. But the walls were paper thin, and I could hear everything. Paul was arrested for murdering one of the gang members and also another boy, who the police think witnessed the first killing, and was stabbed to keep him quiet. They had Paul’s image on CCTV camera, and with the blood all over his clothes and most of the bathroom it was a pretty open and shut case.
“Our family was notorious and people even crossed the street to avoid us. School was a nightmare. Fortunately, Sarah and especially James were still a little too young to fully understand what was going on. There was talk that they would be taken into care, so Dad promised to be at home when they finished school and stay until at least Mum returned. A promise he actually kept. I think for the first time he realized what was happening to the family.”
“What about you? How did you cope?” Luca found it almost impossible to get the words out. The distress Sophia had experienced certainly put the bullying he’d endured into perspective.
“I no longer had any friends, so there was nothing to do but study and read. With the evidence against Paul, it took only six months to bring the case to trial. It was terrible, even harder than when Ben had died. I was a witness, having seen Paul come home covered in blood. I didn’t want to grass on my brother; however, I also believe in justice. If Paul took an innocent life, then he should undergo some form of punishment. I didn’t really care about the gang member; I figured he had made his own choices. I kept thinking about the poor boy who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He’d been fifteen when he was killed, same age I was. But it didn’t stop the guilt; I felt like I was betraying my brother.
“I was in school the day the sentence was announced. Of course by lunchtime the whole school knew Paul was going to prison for twelve years. I went to the loo to try to compose myself, when a group of my former friends came in, including Kathy Summers, the woman we saw at Villa d’Este.”
Sophia started to shake. He stood and pulled her into his arms, holding her head close to his chest.
“They grabbed me and pushed me to the ground and a couple of girls sat on me so I couldn’t move. Someone stuffed a school tie in my mouth so I couldn’t scream. Then Kathy carved the initials of the boy who had been killed into my buttocks with a pen knife. They were discussing doing worse to me when one of them I guess felt squeamish from all the blood and ran to get a teacher. Funny, I don’t remember the pain, but I can still smell the floor cleaner. To this day I can’t stand pine-scented cleaning products. Anyway, someone called an ambulance and that was the last time I set foot in that school.”