“Valid point.” Alec’s fingers flexed across the ledge. “A groupie contacted our agent and said I got her pregnant.”
“Babies everywhere,” I muttered.
“Right.” Alec closed his eyes. “Nat didn’t talk to me for two whole days.”
“Verdict still out?” I asked.
“Yup. God, what I wouldn’t do for a cigarette right now or a drink.” Alec laughed. “It’s like I’ve turned into you.”
“Very funny.” I was still heartbroken but I managed a smile.
“I wish someone would have warned us when we were kids.”
Alec frowned. “Warned us?”
“About how exposed life is. When you’re little the biggest complaint you have is when you’re going to get your next meal, or if you can stay up late and watch TV. As you get older things get more and more serious. You realize that death is inevitable, people fail you, and those you love will always leave you.”
“Not always.” Alec put his arm around me.
“Right, I’m touched. We have each other. Excuse me for not being thrilled over the fact that the girl I love just jumped on my heart and ran me over with a car.”
We watched the waves in silence.
Alec finally spoke up. “It will work out. She’s just hurt.”
“So am I.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Cry?” I offered. “Yell? Scream? Throw a fit? Get high?”
Alec crossed his arms.
“I’m going to fight for her. I’m going to fight every damn day I have breath in my body, and if I die trying than at least I died loving someone with every part of my soul.”
Chapter Thirty-one
Alyssa
Numb, I walked the two miles to my house. The lights were off, meaning my parents were probably already in bed. For the first time in years, I wished my dad would have been waiting for me. I wished they would tell me what to do. My damn heart was breaking and I didn’t know how to fix it.
It felt like everything that was so secure beneath me just crumbled beneath my feet. As if the life I’d lived these past few weeks was a giant joke.
I threw my shoes across the room and sat on my bed, putting my head in my hands. Tears dripped from my cheeks onto the floor.
I should have known something bad was going to happen what with all the smiling I’d been doing lately. Sniffing, I wiped my cheeks and looked up at my dresser. The packet Sam had given me was sitting there with the sticky note still on it.
Well, my night couldn’t get any worse.
I quickly changed out of my dress and into sweats and grabbed the packet from the dresser. With a deep breath, I opened the packet and frowned.
It was one of those moleskin notebooks. The red leather cover was slightly faded. With shaking hands I opened the first page.
July 19, 2010 Sometimes I wish she knew how much I loved her. Every time I get ready to say it, I choke. The words are there, the feeling is there, but it’s like I freeze up and then start to panic. I mean, are you supposed to find the love of your life at the age of seventeen? If she only knew how much it freaked me out. I mean, the other day I found myself wondering what our kids would look like.
I can’t tell anyone but Sam, and even then he thinks I’ve lost my mind too. But, it’s killing me not being able to share that part of my soul with her. At the same time, I wonder if she’ll reject me. All the shit I’ve done is ridiculous, and the worst part is even though I love her, I still do things I know I shouldn’t.
Yesterday she asked if I ever did drugs. I laughed in her face and shook her off. Later that night I got high with Sam and Connor. I felt terrible afterward, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to have all that pressure. I’m just thankful that the football coach turns the other way.
My mom’s calling me for dinner, and I gotta go find Alyssa so we can hang out before the carnival. Sometimes I feel so confused.
Tears streamed down my face as I flipped ahead a few pages. One of them was marked. I wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or not.
September 1, 2010 I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I feel like shit. It’s the second time in a year that I’ve cheated on the girl I love and I didn’t even remember it happening.
Alyssa picked me up last night from the party. I’m sure I was a mess. Sam said I drank a lot. I don’t really remember much except for Holly crying and me comforting her and then, well… an hour later I woke up in bed with her. I must have blacked out.
I threw up for ten minutes before dialing Alyssa’s number. I meant to tell her everything, to say what a complete screw up I was. But the minute I heard her sweet voice I chickened out.
It was the only time she saw me drunk. I still felt pretty wasted by the time she dropped me off. Apparently all I needed was a little liquid courage because the minute my feet touched the concrete I turned around and told her I loved her.
I’m a piece of shit. I told her I loved her for the first time only hours after hav**g s*x with someone else.
I started to cry, and then I felt worse because I knew she took the tears for passion when they were tears of regret.
If I could take that day back I would, but I can’t. And I can’t take back the time before that. The drinking is out of control. The partying is getting to me, but I’m selfish. I’d rather keep this from her than tell her.
Because if I tell her then I lose her, and I can’t lose the only woman I’ve ever loved.
October 27, 2010 I love her. With every fiber of my being. I love her more than life. I know I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but I’m going to tell her before I leave for school. I have to tell her the truth, and if she rejects me, then at least I know I was completely honest with her before I took her heart away with me to school.
I dropped the journal to the floor. Something fluttered out of the pages. Leaning over, I picked it up.
A picture of me and Brady. We looked so happy. His smile was wide and beautiful. I was tucked under his arm like a football, and he was swinging me around.
“Why? Brady?” I threw the picture to the floor and sobbed into my hands. Why did he cheat? Why didn’t he tell me? Why wasn’t I good enough? I had so many questions. Ones that I knew I would never ever get the answer to. Which made everything so much worse!
How could he hurt me like that? How could he betray me?
Did he only cheat twice? And what made those girls more worthy than his own girlfriend? Than a girl he supposedly loved?
I jerked up when I heard something knock against my window.
Demetri was hunched over, looking like he was going to tear open the window or throw a rock through it if I didn’t move quick.
I sighed and walked over to the window and opened it.
He was so beautiful. His blue eyes were wide with concern as he reached out and pulled me into his chest. The tears clouded my vision so much that I was afraid I was going to pass out again.
“I’m so sorry, Alyssa. I’m so so sorry.” Demetri rocked me back and forth and then scooped me up into his arms and laid me across the bed.
Without thinking I reached for him and crushed my lips against his. His groan was desperate as his hands went to my shirt and lifted it over my head.
Yes, this is what I needed. To forget everything but Demetri.
“God, you’re beautiful.” Demetri stared at me reverently as his hands moved across my hips. I was feeling so many sensations at once. As if just one tiny touch from him would shatter me into a million pieces.
“I love you.” He knelt down in front of me and kissed my stomach. “I love you too much to do this right now.” He stood up and went in for another scorching kiss.
What did he mean too much?
I reached for his shirt and tried to lift it over his head. He wouldn’t budge. I tried again, this time our tongues tangled until I was out of breath.
“Sweetheart, you’re going to kill me.”
“What’s wrong?” I stepped back suddenly feeling insecure about the fact that I was shirtless.
“Nothing.” He chuckled and then cursed. “And everything.”
I held myself tighter wishing I could disappear into the floor. “You’re just like him! I hate you!”
“Whoa.” Demetri stepped toward me. But I jerked away.
“Leave me alone!”
“No.” Demetri grabbed my elbow and threw me onto the bed covering my body with his. “I can’t just leave you alone. I love you.”
My body was numb again as I gazed up at Demetri. “He said he loved me too.”
Demetri froze, his breathing was heavy. “It’s not the same.”
“It is the same,” I said through tears. “It’s the same damn cycle and I can’t seem to break it. You’ll get bored with me. He did and he wasn’t famous. You’ll get tired of me and then you’ll leave me, just like him.”
“It wasn’t Brady’s fault he died, Alyssa. He didn’t mean to leave you.”
“You won’t either.”
“Damn it, Alyssa! Do you hear yourself? When are you going to stop running?”
Shuddering, I looked away. “I think you should go.”
“I can’t.”
“Go!” I sobbed. “Please, just… go. I need time.”
“It’s not me, it’s you. You need time. You need space. You want to take a break. Sure I’ve heard the speech before. I hate that I’ve heard that speech so much, but let me ask you one thing.”
“What?” I gulped, was this the last time I would touch him?
Feel his skin against mine?
“The love you felt for Brady, is it the same you feel for me?”
Goodbye, Demetri Daniels… “No.” I shook my head as a few stray tears fell down my swollen cheeks. It was more. It was better, but I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t let Demetri know how much of my heart he held, because I wasn’t sure I could trust him not to take it and never give it back. I was already a mess. I was a hundred different shades of angry. I was broken.
“Right.” Demetri closed his eyes for a few seconds before releasing my arms and walking over to the window. “You need to know something…”
“What’s that?” Just leave already so I don’t take it all back!
“I’ll never stop.”
“Never stop?”
“Loving you,” Demetri said sadly. “I won’t stop. You can hate me forever. Shit, I’ll even take all the blame for what Brady did to you. I’ll take it on my shoulders and I’ll bear that burden for you.
So if it helps, hate me, despise me, curse me… If it helps you heal, then I’ll be the punching bag. Just know that every time you curse me, my answer is I love you. Every time you hit me, my answer is I love you, and every time you close your eyes, I’ll still be loving you.”
Something finally snapped inside me. Maybe it was my sanity; whatever it was, I felt it the minute it unleashed. Like a tiny thread that was finally stretched too tight and with one final pull, it disintegrated.
All I knew is everything hurt, and all my hurt was directed at Brady. I could see it now, but Demetri was standing right there so I lashed out.